My Attempt To Get You Off My Mind...

I'm having a bit of a crisis at the moment. Isn't the mind a wonderful thing? It's so interesting, how it works, how powerful it is. Right now, my mind is all over the place. I have issues with concentration, not serious ones - nothing that you would class as a condition - but when one thing is on my mind, I can't really concentrate on anything else. I've only just figured that out, within the past few weeks, which is silly really seeing as it happens so often. I also figured out though, that writing down my thoughts helps me to order them. It might sounds strange, but it's like I've able to have a conversation; it's with myself but writing it down helps to get it all out in the open (even though it's not really in the open because no-one will know about it which is perfect because if people did know they might think I was a mental case) and therefore it helps me to get it off my mind so that I can concentrate on the things I need to.

I have motivation bursts and I've been waiting for one for a couple of weeks, and tonight - right now - I have one, but there is a huge problem... I have something else on my mind and it won't go away. I'm so confused and interested in something else that I can't concentrate and push my motivation towards what I should be doing - I have an assignment that needs to be done over the next two days. I know I'm irresponsible and disorganised for leaving it so late but it is because I've been waiting for a motivational burst. So, now the plan is to get off my chest everything I'm thinking about that I wish I wasn't so that I could concentrate and do my work, get it over and done with so I can go for a drink tomorrow and not have to stress about it and also then maybe tomorrow night and I can go and sort out all my other issues that are stopping me from doing my work for good, rather than just postponing my crazy thoughts by writing them down on here for the time being.


Here goes...

Every time something happens, my questions disappear. I have nothing to ask, I don’t feel like there is anything to know because when something happens it’s like you’ve shown me something, I don't know what. It's our little secret and it's so special and it makes me happy and the questions don't matter any more. What I needed to know doesn't matter, there is nothing left to ask because I'm happy and I think you are too. That's the main thing, everything else is irrelevant. Then a week passes without anything happening and I start thinking of questions again; maybe the same questions as the last time, maybe different ones that have cropped up because of whatever happened the most recent time we were together or something you've recently said, but questions all the same.

How many times have you said you thought we needed to talk, or you thought I should have the opportunity to ask the questions I have and get answers, or that you'd like to talk to me? First things first, what did you want to talk to me about last weekend? You said you wanted to talk to me. Maybe after I’ve found that out I won’t have any other questions, maybe you want to talk to me about everything I want to know. I don't want to go for the next month without talking to you much but wondering every day what you wanted to talk to me about. The month will be long enough as it is without me having countless questions running through my mind every minute of every day.

Ages ago, you said that lads have just as many questions as girls but they won’t ask them. Girls have so many questions all of the time so I'm intrigued that lads have this many questions. What could you possibly be wondering? There aren't many questions I can think of that you might want answering. Not that you would ever get them answered because you said you'd never ask and I definitely have no idea what they might be and I can't answer without knowing the question.

What do you think I want? You said you thought you’d got what I think or want down to a tee and maybe you can help me out because I don’t even know what I want yet. You seem to be good at that because you knew I liked you before I even told you so maybe you’ll get it right this time too. So please, help me out, tell me what I want, because I have no idea. I've got a pretty good idea of what you think I want - my idea is that you're thinking stereotypically what a girl wants - but I'm not sure if that is actually what I want.

I don't know anything about this. I don't know what is it, what I want, what you want, how you feel, if this is it, or where it's going, whether there is anything emotional involved or if it's simply physical. I don't know anything. And the truth is I'm too scared to ask. I'm too scared to ask because I don't want the answers to be things I don't want to hear. That's terrible, isn't it? Backing out and not asking because I'm scared. Even I realise that is pathetic. The longer I wait, the harder it will get, so I will bite the bullet soon. But first I have work to do.

I guess that's it, for the time being. I really need to actually talk to you about this rather than writing on my blog because I'd die if you ever read this, but I think I am actually losing my mind. Not just because of you, you're not that special, although you do seem to make things much more difficult that they should be.



Just you wait and see.
x

Losing Faith and Being "That Girl"...

Surely there is only so much one person can take. Actually, I know there is only so much one person can take. And I'm nearly at my limit. I'm going to burst soon. I'm losing faith. I'm ready to give up. Fuck it. What's the point?

I take it back. I know that's no attitude to have, not the right mind set to be in. I'm just at the point where I think it's never going to happen, it's never going to be the way I've always hoped. It's just a dream. Is it even real? Can it be real? At the moment I think the world just has this illusion that it's the final thing, the perfect part that completes life.

"That girl". Everyone swears they will never be that girl, the one that falls for someone they can't have, or the one who is the lover rather than the partner or girlfriend, the one who is stupid enough to put herself into a situation when things are bound to end badly, where she is bound to get hurt. Some people never learn. It's the same over and over again until they lose hope and faith completely, until there is nothing left and life seems pointless. Hopefully, that is the point that someone - a special person, maybe the one - brings hope into your life and things begin to look up again. That's the point when you can be happy for yourself as well as everyone else who is happy, when you can get true joy out of your own life instead of getting joy out of other people's happiness.

It gets boring, doesn't it? All this talk of love - unrequited and otherwise, guys and girls, sex and drama. Oh no, when there is sex involved it's never boring. It can be amazing, difficult, simple, complicated, heartbreaking, fun, wonderful - but never boring. Why is life for girls based on love whereas for lads it's pretty much just sex, films, sport and video games? It's so true. It's actually heartbreaking.


Right now, I can't wait to go home. Maybe a few weeks away from this life will be good for me. But I know it's going to break my heart, not like disappearing like last time. I want my best friends. I want to sit in silence and listen to them talk. I want for them to know exactly how I feel without me saying one word and know exactly the way to treat me. For them to leave me to listen and to smile and ask under their breath if I'm okay, knowing I'll say yeah and just carry on listening even if my heart is breaking inside. I want someone to understand and to comfort me just by being there. I want the people who know and understand me. I want my best friends.


Give me a break. Let it work this time. PLEASE.
x

December and White Rabbits...

30th November 2010. The last day of the month. It's nearly 11pm. I'm so unbelievably tired, but I need to stay up until midnight so I can text everyone saying "White Rabbits" so that they can hopefully get luck for the month of December. I know it's probably a silly superstition, but it's one that me and my best friends have followed for years and this month isn't going to be any different.

December. I love the month of December. It's special. March, June, and December are special months in my mind. I don't know why, they just seem to mean a little bit more to me than the other months - even though nothing particularly happens that is different to any other month. Well, apart from December. December is a month of traditions. Traditions that started the weekend just gone and I wasn't there for.

It's so weird, the first time you miss a tradition. Every year, my Dad and I get a Christmas tree the last weekend in November, he always comes into my room singing Christmas songs because it's almost Christmas and it is such a big deal in our family. I love tradition. I love Christmas. I love my family.
I'm so excited to go home for Christmas, I've already got lots of plans to see family and friends. The worst thing is buying presents. I hate buying presents, I'm so rubbish at it. I hope I find some inspiration for this Christmas!


This is also a short one, because I'm so tired. This is only my third blog of the month, I think I need to pull my act together and get writing again! It's been a busy, busy month. My life is so different now, my experiences are so different, everything has developed. I wouldn't change a second it it.

Don't forget to say white rabbits in an hour... x

Fire, Phobias and Other November Ramblings.

It's over half way through the month and I haven't even written one blog yet.
A lot has been going on to be honest. University takes up so much time - not the lectures or the work, but everything else that comes with it like meeting new people, going out all the time, getting in touch with or visiting home, and making sure you're eating and living properly here.

Surprisingly enough, I think this blog may be to complain about men - makes a change! I'm a bit confused at the moment as to what is going on. Life is confusing though, isn't it? That's just the way it goes, we all have to deal with it. It could be about anything really, an occasional rambling of a teenage girl with lots on her mind but doesn't really know where to start or how to phrase it. Then again, you're probably used to that. I might skip from one thing to another because I started writing this blog when I was annoyed with a lad, but today I'm on top again with and I've been thinking about other things too. Just to warn you!

I don't understand why if two people have got something going on, that changes everything, and I mean everything. If one of them is ill and the other asks them how they are feeling, why does that suddenly become different to the way that person would ask anyone how they were feeling? I mean, if anyone is ill, I'd ask them how they were feeling and check up on them every now and again to see if they were okay. As soon as it is someone that isn't 'just a friend', things change and somehow the meaning of that question deepens.

I don't think anyone will ever truly understand the opposite sex. They can almost understand, and find out after something has happened, but no-one can ever know what they mean before hand. I'm exhausted by wondering. I think I'll just start asking questions. It might ruin the game but it'll be much easier in the short term.


This morning, I was thinking about writing. I came on here to write but I remember thinking about a poem - well it wasn't really a poem, just a poetic description - I wrote in my head and never put down on paper. It was about a big fire that my Dad made on bonfire night and I described it in a metaphorical, descriptive, pretty way so that even though it sounded nice or clever, you had to figure out what it was actually about. At the time I thought it was really good but now I can't remember it. All I remember is daydreaming in front on the fire.

Isn't fire such a beautiful thing? The sparks that fly from it, all the different colours in it that flicker and shine, the the embers that glow and the lovely warmth is gives off and makes you feel inside and out. It has the power to do so much. To heat, to sterilize, to burn, even to kill. It's lethal. And yet it is essential.
If I'm honest, fire terrifies me. I'm scared when I think it's not under complete control. I don't mind candles, but even lighters and matches sometimes make me feel uncomfortable, especially in someone else's hands.

One of my house mates is doing a photography project on "fears". So far, he'doing heights and clowns and he needs to find some more fears that he can take photos off, but phobias are so interesting.
What are you afraid of?

Although they can make things difficult and scary, fears shouldn't stop you from doing anything.

My Favourite Quotes..

"It's up to us to make the best of the things that come out way."

"The challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you just like everyone else."

"The important thing is this: to be able to, at any moment, sacrifice what we are for what we might become."

"Don't hestitate. Just do it."

"Just jump, and pray to God that you can fly."

"A best friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words..."

"When you come to the end of all you know, you must believe two things: there will be earth under your feet, or you will be given wings."

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.”

“In love, it is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder.”


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

"Be Yourself... Everyone Else."

A few days ago, I was in one of those cool little shops that no-one really knows about but everything in the shop is really amazing and interesting. The sort of place you can get everyone a Christmas present because it's just full of little treasures.
There were some cards in there with quotes on and I spent ages reading every single one. I loved loads of them, but the my favourite was this:

"The challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you just like everyone else."

It's my new favourite quote. It's strange though, because that topic seems to have been coming up quite a lot lately, 'being like everyone else'. I'm not really sure why. It's an on-going argument between me and a friend of mine, that people are the same but there are a few special people that stand out.
I do believe everyone is different in their own way once you get to know them but there are definitely some special people, some people that are like you've never met before in your life and you never will again. If you want to find those people go to university. Or meet my friends!

I'd love to be one of those people. Someone that makes an impression, that makes people think and someone people don't forget straight away. Those people are - there is no other word for it - special (in a good way).

This blog is kept short because I'm off to get a train now - I'm going home! I can't wait to see my family and friends. The people that will always be there for me no matter what, you will never forget me. They may not stand out in everyone's crowd, but in mine they do, they glow because they're such amazing people and I can spot them from a mile off.
I just wanted a blog with that quote in, because it describes the way I feel about that topic perfectly. Be yourself. Don't let the world change you.



"The challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you just like everyone else."
x

Judgements and Conversation.

What is it with girls falling for people so easily?
Maybe it's not all girls, maybe it's just me. Maybe my heart is open and ready to love anyone who crosses my path. I'm so open minded about people, give everyone the benefit of the doubt and like everyone unless they give me good reason not to. Whenever I meet people I come to the conclusion of whether or not I will or want to be friends with this person - and if it's a lad, whether I could like them more than a friend or not. That's the only judgements I make about new people really, the relationship I might have with them in the future, because I don't like to judge and I always go into every new relationship with any person, whatever the relationship might be, with an open mind.

Maybe that's why I fall for people for easily - because I keep an open mind and know that I could fall for anyone really. There was one person I had decided I wouldn't like as more than a friend. I don't think I should make those decisions any more because I've proved myself wrong and it's only been a couple of weeks.

I don't really possess the talent of the art of conversation. I haven't mastered it yet. I'm not really good at making conversation with people I don't know that well unless we've been given something to talk about that I know about and I have an opinion on. It's a flaw that I'm working on all the time because I'd love to be able to chat away, be confident and always have something to say. I admire people that have that quality. I admire all of the people I've moved in with and their friends because they all have the talent of conversation and talking, even if the person they are talking to isn't contributing to the conversation very much. Hence, I just sit and listen the majority of the time, sometimes I chip in if I think of something and I speak if someone directs a comment or question at me, but that's pretty much as far as it goes.

Everyone makes judgements within minutes of meeting new people. They say you make a judgement within between 3 and 10 seconds of seeing or meeting someone new which is probably quite true for most people. Within the first 5 minutes of talking to someone, you judge what the person is like, whether you'll get on and you decide what your relationship could be in the future; whether you'll be friends, acquaintances, best friends, enemies, lovers, partners.
You judge people by what they're wearing, what their face and hair look like, by how much they smile, how much they talk, what they say and their expression. I'm terrible for it, but usually I'm right in my judgements even though I know it's wrong to judge.

Well, I've been wrong. I was warned. I'd already decided how far all our relationships would go. Maybe I should just let things run their course and not decide anything straight away.

But is judging really wrong? People say "shouldn't judge". I say it all the time. I believe you shouldn't judge someone in a bad way until you actually get to know them but then it's not a judgement any more. Judgements within the first few minutes should only be good ones, or open minded ones like what your relationship might be with them in the future. Also, if you do think something bad then the conclusion would be "I'll be careful with how I act or how I am with this person just in case", but it shouldn't be a bad judgement. Does that even make sense? I know what I mean. But as I said, I don't have the art of conversation.


What is it with girls falling for people so easily?
Maybe it's not all girls, maybe it's just me.

x

Being Closed Or Open With People.

I used to think that being really closed, secretive and not telling anyone anything was the way to go. When no-one knew your secrets and thoughts then there was no way you could get hurt from them. I admired people who could deal with everything themselves, people who never needed or wanted to tell anyone anything. I always wanted to be one of those people, so I taught myself to do it with every new person that I met. My guard is always up, don't trust them for a long time until you believe they've earned your trust, don't tell anyone anything.

Yesterday, I had the first proper conversation with someone I've met from moving away from home to university. I met him a few weeks ago but last night I had my first real conversation with him one on one and he was just so open about everything. The fact that he's only known me a few weeks and this was our first proper chat, and he answered any deep question I asked, he didn't mind me knowing anything about him and he said that there wasn't anything about him that people didn't know anyway because he is just such an open person. Although I don't know him well, I can imagine that he is a very strong person mentally and emotionally, so being open works for him.

I find that a bit crazy if I'm honest, because my whole life I've been building myself up to a point where I can be strong and independent and as soon as I finally get to that place when I can be those things, someone comes into my life and turns everything upside down and prove my opinions completely wrong all over again.

Do you think it's better to be open or closed? I think I might stick with being closed right now, but who knows what the future brings?

Being at university doesn't just teach you about your course and how to live on your own. It teaches you so many new things about people, about yourself, about the ways of life, about mentalities and how to cope with things.

How many times since I got here have different people said "you've got a lot to learn"? I didn't even realise it before, I thought I knew everything, I thought I'd be sorted for the rest of my life. But now I realise that I've got so much to learn.

I just can't wait to learn it all.
x

Desperation of a Homesick Girl.

I would give anything to be with my best friends right now.

Please, someone tell me it gets easier leaving your best friends and not seeing them everyday like I'm used to. I miss them so much and I have no-one to talk to. I don't feel like I'm being myself because I'm scared they won't like me. If they don't like the person I'm pretending to be it doesn't matter so much.
I'd love to have a best friend with me here.

I don't understand so many things. Is it me? Is it the person I am? Is it something I do?
I just need someone to care.

I miss you so much.
x

The Next Step.

I know it's been a while. Over three weeks. So much has happened in the last few weeks, I haven't had time to write. The moments when I did have the time, I haven't had the energy or the inspiration.
My whole life I've been waiting for something more but recently I've forgotten about waiting for something more because I've been so busy with new things. I guess that's a good thing though, it's exhausting always wishing for something more. I'm quite happy at the moment, although I don't really fit in anywhere at the moment. I'm in the lurch, thrown into the deep end of a different pool, one that I've never been in before and I don't know which way to swim.

I'm officially a university student. I live in a house with 7 other students - 2 girls, 5 boys - and I love it. I love the people here so much. I have my reservations though.

You know when you're thrown in at the deep end? When you start a club or a new school half way through the year or the season and everyone has already made friends, they're all in their own groups and you need to find some friends but it's difficult to get into other people's groups when they've already formed? And when you do get into a group, there is always one (or two or three or four) people who don't see you as part of their group because you weren't there from the beginning, therefore you're not as worthy as everyone else. It's a little bit like that here. I've been accepted with open arms by most of them. You'd expect the girls to be less welcoming than the lads, but that certainly isn't the case here.

It's not like I'm having problems, I love every single one of them, I'm just a little apprehensive. I know that they're all really trustworthy and lovely people, I just can't wait for the day that I really will be "one of them", like really truly one of them, not just them saying it.
I keep texting my friends at home with lyrics of songs that come on when I've been out that remind me of them. It's weird because all of my memories are back at home but all of the people I'm with here, their memories are here. They are with the people that the songs remind them of already. I can't wait for the time when I hear a song and it reminds me of the people here, that I can sing and dance with to it here.

I can't believe I'm actually here. I was talking to my best friend (who I miss so much!) and we were saying, "we made it!" We're actually at university, like we've been dreaming of for years and years.

We've taken the next step. This is the beginning of the rest of our lives.

Here's to the next step.
Here's to making new memories.
x

Stories of love: unrequited and otherwise.

Does everyone have a love that they'll never forget? One person that they'll never really get over. Sterotypically this is how it goes: once upon a time you were together, you break up and not see each other for a long time, you're convinced you're over them but one day - one completely normal, ordinary, nothing special happening day - you see them in the street, and just like in a film, all the amazing memories you had with them coming spinning through your mind, overwhelming you with nostalgia and a love for this person like you had for them back at that time when you were making the memories.

But what about if you were never together? What if you were friends? What if you loved them as a friend, you grew to love them more and more, so much that it became unbearable and you wanted to just blurt it out but you knew you couldn't?

All we hear about are love stories, happy endings, where people find love and it makes their world - even if one of them leaves the world, it doesn't matter because you're left to believe that they would always love each other.
What about the people who find "the one", but their love is unrequited? They aren't "the one" to the person they love. What about those people? Why does no-one tell those stories? They may be depressing, heartbreaking but they're true! Just as true as any other love story.

Maybe I sound like a bitter girl who hasn't found love. Not requited love anyway.

I don't understand love. I don't understand anything to do with it. I just wish it was harder to fall in love so that your heart didn't feel like it was being ripped out when love goes wrong.

I'm scared that it will never go away. I'll leave, be convinced that I'm over it and then as soon as I see him smile at me, or just look at me and hold my glance and stare for a second too long like he always does, I know I'm just going to fall all over again. I'm scared it will never stop. One day I'll come back and he'll be in love with someone amazing and beautiful, she'll be everything I will never be, and I've lost, but it still doesn't stop. I'm scared that I'll meet someone, I might fall in love, but they'll never be everything that *he* is.

"I love him, I love him, I love him, but only on my own."

I hope you find requited love. But if not, tell someone your story. Everyone needs to tell their story.
x

Friends.

A few weeks ago, my Dad met up with a friend of his, one he only sees every 6 months and sometimes even less. But they're still best friends. When they meet, it's like not a minute has passed and they're best friends again as they always have been.

My university asked, "which three words would your best friend use to describe you?" I text five different friends of mine and each of them said "loyal". Loyal, funny, kind, caring, trustworthy, talented, honest, "spur of the moment kind of girl" (sp (I think she was lookign for the word spontaneous) and strong were the different variations. Considering I could've had 15 different adjectives and everyone single person said loyal, I think I'm loyal! They make me smile so much.
I'm the luckiest person in the world when it comes to the people who I love that love me.
Someone I care about (more than I think he'll ever know who might have a blog dedicated to him very soon), when he was asking what was wrong and being a wonderful friend to me once said "how many people do you have that genuiely care about you?" I thought about it for a second and I could think of ten people of the top of my head that I know what be there for me at the drop of a hat if I needed it. I reolied, "I'm lucky in that aspect." I know I am. My family and friends are wonderful. I'll never forget it.

It makes me wonder about friendships. In the past, I've had friendships that I thought would latst forever, we'd be best friends forever and I'd never need anyone else. Then we grew up, went our seperate ways - to different senior schools or we met new friends. Then at senior school I made some better friends. Friends that I still have now, that have been by my side throught the good and the bad for years and I can see in my future as being the ones there for me.
We're getting older, becoming adults, becoming our own people who can make our own desicions. We can live where with want with whom we want. We want study what we want and do what we want. We can love who we want and spend our time with whomever we please.
The people I thought I'd have by my side my whole life may not be. I may have been mistaken by some of them. And though I would never doubt their love and friendship for one second, I can see them slipping away. I know they'll always be there if I needed them, but other people and other things become more important and we learn to live without each other. Some are slipping, but there are the special few who are by my side who I don't think I will ever be mistaken about.

As for these special few, as we've gotten older, although we've stayed best friends, the past couple of years one thing became more important. Love.
Now, although I still have my best friends, they all have their partner, a loved one who I've become great friends with too and I'm one hundred per cent happy for my best friends as they've found love.

Remember old friends, never forget the friends you had, have and always will have. Remember that you can never have too many friends. To have a friend you need to be a friend. There will always be people in the future, friends that you haven't even met yet.
I'll always remember my friends. Old and new.

"Understand that friends come and go, but to the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle. The older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young."

x

100th Post.

Yep, you got it. This is my 100th published post on my blog! Go me!

Today is September 6th and the past few days have been pretty hectic.

Friday 3rd September:
I recieved a letter off my university saying that they were unable to provide me with accomodation. My Dad and I have a matchplay final - the family trophy, a competition we both really wanted to win - but I was so worried about having nowhere to live! We rang up and got some appointments to look around some rooms in houses in the private sector part of the accomodation for the university for Saturday 5th.
We went to play golf, although it took my half the round to get to grips with myself and get university out of my head, I started playing well and as my Dad was playing really well, we managed to win 5 and 3. We are the Family Trophy Winners 2010! Everyone was so please, I'm over the moon, it's such a nice thing to win with my Dad.
We spent the evening drinking, walked home via the chippy and went to bed ready for an early start the next morning.

Saturday 4th September:
Early rise, leaving at 8 to meet our first appointment at 10. We looked around 3 apartments, it was chaos! So many people were looking for rooms, they were going here there and everywhere, we barely got the chance to look at some because they were taken off the market the minute we stepped out of the houses.
At 1pm, we met an estate agent and 3 of the 4 rooms had been taken since we had spoke on the phone. We went to look at the fourth room. In a house where eight friends in their second year who had moved in together, but one person had dropped out so there was a room spare. We went and looked and I liked the house and the room. We had to decide between that room and one we'd seen earlier if it hadn't been taken. As my parents and I were discussind it, a pretty girl who lived there came in and introduced herself saying that she'd love for a girl to move into the room because there were two girls and five lads there. She was lovely and it's her I have to thank for making me decide on that room.
I signed the contract and now I officially have a room, I'm moving away. All of a sudden, it got real.
That evening I had an email off the estate agent, I had been attatched to a email sent to all of the other tenants introducing me.

Sunday 5th September:
I played golf with a few people, one of which I adore and wish we were still as close as we were but I suppose that's life. I also waited for one of the people living in the house to get in touch. No-one did. Maybe they're all cool and actually have a life, therefore don't spend all their time on the internet.

Monday 6th September:
I went to meet my two best friends, had a lovely day catching up and talking about uni. I checked my email when I was there and guess who I had an email off!
One of the lads from the house had emailed me and told me to add them all on facebook. This evening I've spent my time singing to try and get my voice back because I found out today that I am very out of practise and messaging three of the lads who I will be living with in less than three weeks.


I've had a turn around. After this weekend, something changed and I can't wait to move in there and meet them all. I really hope we get on and they like me, I'm quite nervous but it doesn't matter because I'm so excited!
I'm going to miss my friends and family immensely, but this is it. I've been waiting for this my whole life.


The next step. The next move. The start of the rest of my life. And I just cannot wait.
x

Between Sleep And Awake.

Today, my friend text me asking whether I was going to tell the boy. Another friend text me when she was out saying how she wished her "girls" were out with her too and they made me smile for many different reasons, but mainly it made me realise how lucky I am to have such great friends. They are the people that keep me going. Random texts and comments from the most wonderful friends I can ask for make me happy and I'm going to miss seeing my friends so much when I go to university. My standards of friends are set so high that I don't know hot I could meet people at university that are half as great as the friends I have now.

Besides that, I just feel like writing. I'm sitting in bed, I just watched a film, it's half past twelve at night and I feel like writing. I don't even know what about. My dreams are coming true, my future is actually here, I am actually beginning to live my life and I love it, I can't wait. It just doesn't leave me much to write about.

Apart from one thing.
Earlier, my parents and I watched "Hook". It was on the television, it's a sequel to Peter Pan, great film. Anyway, towards the end when Tinkerbell is saying goodbye to Peter Pan she says, "you know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you." I wrote it down because I wanted to remember it because I really loved it. It reminded me of a certain someone and made me think maybe I don't have to get over him or forget him. Maybe he helped to make me who I am and we'll always be friends.

It also made me think about dreaming (as if I need something to trigger me to think about dreaming, it's all I do). That is an amazing feeling, don't you think? When you're half awake, half asleep and you remember what you were dreaming about so you carry on the dream but you can make it go where you want it to but it still feels like you're dreaming. I love that place, between sleep and awake.

I think I'm going to go to sleep now, hopefully I'll go to that place in the morning.



You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you.
x

I Got In!

So, I'm going to university! Can you believe it?
Granted, it's not where I wanted to go, but it's my second choice and the course looks amazing. I've yet to find out about my accomodation, the part I've been dreading, but things are looking up at the moment so hopefully that will go in my favour too.

After writing loads of lists, "to do" lists and lists of things I need to take, buy or sort out, I need to actually start preparing to go. It's less than a month till I move out, which is a scary thought. I know I've been going on about living my life and dreams and getting away from here ever since I started writing this blog, but now it's actually happening! I can't wait, although I'm quite worried about the financial aspect of it seeing as I've never really had to deal with. I know I'll learn quickly but I haven't got enough money to start with. Hopefully I'll be able to work it out though.
Apart from the finances, there is only one thing that I'm not looking forward to and it's the only thing (not including money) stopping me from taking off and never coming back. You got it. Family. And friends. The people I know and love here, I am going to miss unbelievable amounts. I know they're all going to learn to live without me, I realise that doesn't mean they're going to stop caring about me, but it still means I'm not going to be quite as important as when I lived here. Maybe I'm selfish and paranoid. Maybe I'll meet people at university who are in the same situation as me and we'll become great friends and it won't matter so much.


There is one thing I haven't written down on my list. Do I tell the boy how I feel before I leave? I don't know why, but since April it has been something I wanted to get off my chest and tell him. I know it won't go anywhere. Maybe the feelings will go when I tell him? Or should I not tell him, hope they go and all will become clear when I see him when I come home for Christmas. I'll have a few months to move on and when I see him next I'll know how I feel about it, whether this is just a phase, (a long one, granted, but still a phase).
I'll think about it. And maybe consult the girls.


This one is just a bit of an update really. I haven't written much this month because so much has been going on. Birthdays, holidays, my parents being off, schools grades and sorting out university.

I hope you're all happy. Right now, I am.
Things are looking positive.

Smile. x

A beautiful world of beautiful people... And other ramblings.

Seeing as I'm 18, this year was supposedly the last time I was to go away with my parents. My Mom needed a holiday and unfortunately my Dad couldn't come with us but he flew my Mom and me off to Tenerife for 8 days to get us away for a while to destress and relax.

On the way there, there was a little girl who must have only been about 4 or 5 sitting behind us. I don't like planes, they affect my head and ears more it seems more than anyone else, it's so painful and I dread flying even though I want to get to the destination we're heading to. Anyway, the little girl sitting behind me giggled everytime something that I would normally hate (like her ears going weird and painful or popping, or her tummy going, or anything else that flying may cause) and it made me smile, hearing her enjoying herself and hearing that cute little laugh. The flight wasn't so bad anymore because she made me smile. She doesn't even know me or know I exist but she made my day that day.

When I was away, I was willing my phone to go off. I had a few names in particular that I would have liked to have seen a message from but I really wanted it to go off so that I knew someone did care, and some did miss me. It took a few days but towards the end I had a few different people make me smile because they made my phone buzz.

I feel as though we were flown away from reality for a week and now we've just crash landed back home, one day away from the day that is going to change all of our lives as we know them forever. Results Day tomorrow.
I'm glad to be home, I missed my Dad, the boys, the dogs and my best friends.I wish we were still in Tenerife though, with the beautiful, beautiful people that surrounded us there. One in particular. Wow, he was the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on. It's a shame I won't get to see him again.

I've always wanted to spend my life travelling, going around to all sorts of different places, but this holiday made me think "will I fit in?" Whenever I go away, the people I see are always so beautiful, handsome, cute, pretty, lovely and charming to look at and it makes me think that I'll be the odd one out. Why are the majority of Spanish people gorgeous? Maybe it's the tan, maybe it's an illusion because I'm on holiday and when I'm on holiday everything is always 10 times more beautiful. But maybe they are just a prettier nation. Either way, everyone I saw in sunny Tenerife seemed to be beautiful. Maybe that's even more reason to want to go travelling. But it's made me think that now more than ever I just want to get away again. Anywhere. Just away. Preferably somewhere beautiful, warm and interesting when the people are gorgeous so I can people watch all day. But if not that just away somewhere I don't know that I can explore will do. Anywhere.

When I was away, I took a notepad that my friend got me with me and whenever I was alone (when my Mom was in the shower or I'd managed to slip away and go back to the hotel room for a bit without making her think I wanted to get away from her because that wasn't the point, I'd scribble any ideas down that I had to write a blog or just a small thing I wanted to record and tell so that I didn't forget. I had ideas for 3 or 4 blogs but I looking back, what was important a week ago doesn't seem so important now so I've left a few things out and squashed the other ideas into one blog, this one.


Now, I'm going to see my friends. I have some questiosns I need to ask about university, life and boys. My friends' opinions matter to me a lot and I know they're all truthful, genuine and sensible, they'll give the cons and pros and I know they'll be able to help me. So for now, as they would say in Tenerife, adios.

Summer 2010.

A few months ago before we'd finished school and the weather was beautiful, when we were all completely stressed by exams but all the best of friends and nothing could come between us or stop us, summer 2010 looked like it would be the best one yet.

A few months ago before we'd finished school and the weather was beautiful, we had planned to do so many things together. Drive to the seaside, go out every week to dance and sing our hearts out, lie in the sun talking and laughing, find a coffee shop or cafe that we could spend all of our time in. The idea was that this would e our last summer all together before we all went our seperate ways and although we would definitely keep in touch, this summer was going to be "the summer", the summer of all summers, the summer of our adolescence that we remembered above the rest because it was so amazing. We had 3 months to spend how we pleased.

I know it's only the beginning of August, but that means we already half way through our summer holidays. I think I've seen my best friends 3 times not inculding our weekly Wednesday week because that has and always will happen). And not all us together, just a few of us at a time.

Maybe it's me. Maybe everyone else has moved on with their life and I haven't. They nearly all have boyfriends now, and the ones that don't were previously really close and have each other. But this definitely how I imagined it.
Last year, summer 2009 was amazing, the best summer I've ever had. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was "the summer" and now is the time to move on and let everyone else start having summers with new friends and family, partners and the people who are going to play the main parts in the rest of their lives.

As long as we're all always friends - and I know we will be - that's all that matters.

Although yesterday my Dad booked a holiday for my Mom and me for 7 days and I have 2 nights out to look forward to before going on holiday, so things are starting to look up for August. August could potentially be a very good month.

And still, I can't wait to leave. Only 13 days until I found out my fate, until I find out the next step to the rest of my life. On one hand I simply cannot wait, I just want to go off and live my life, be the person I want to be. On the other hand, I'm dreading it, not because I'm scared or nervous to live the rest of my life - not at all - I'm terrified I'm not going to get in to the university and that would just stop my in my tracks to moving forward because I don't know what I'll do.


Me me me. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing, thinking.
The rest of the time I'm thinking "there must be something more."

Is there something more?
x

I Will.

I feel like haven't written for ages. It has been a couple of weeks, maybe longer than normal but still not longer than I promised myself, yet it seems like forever. The past month or so has been really busy but I can't think of why. We've finished school so in the day I've been free. I've played quite a lot of golf and been out with friends but that's about it. Nothing different to usual.

It's less than a month till we get out results. Three weeks yesterday, and I'm beginning to worry. The rest of my life depends on three letters. If those letters are ABB or better then university here I come. Watch out. I'm beginning to like the idea of university again because it means I can leave immediately. I know that shouldn't be the reason I want to go, it isn't the single reason, but it contributes a lot. The second reason is that it would make me parents proud. My whole life, that has been my life's aim, to make my Mom and Dad and the rest of my family proud. They all expect so much of me because they think I'm the "intelligent one", and I just pray that I can live up to their expectations this time.

The further away my exams get, the more I start to doubt that I will get the grades. I know that two out of three subjects went really well but I've never succeeded to get the grades I need now in the past so why should this time be any different? I worked ten times as hard, maybe that work will pay off. I really hope it does.

I'd really like to get the grades because then it gives me the desicion. I can choose whether I want to go to university or not. If I don't get the grades, I can't go and that's the end of that. I want to find my own path, I don't want to be pushed down one.

All along, through all of my blogs I've been saying (whether subtely or just outright) that I hope there is something more to life that what I have now, I'm determined to find something more, something amazing that will make me excited and happy and not just "ordinary". For the first time, last night I told someone I was looking for something more out of life and their reply was that they'd wanted something more out of life a few years ago when they were about my age, but now they'd given up on it because "it just isn't life the movies". There are so many things that I want to do, want to find, want to prove.

There are so many things. I'm eighteen years old. This is just the beginning.


I will prove everyone wrong one day.
I will live my dreams and do everything I want to in my life.
I will be extraordinary. Even if it's just for a minute.
I will change someone's life.
I will make myself happy, and I will make my family proud.
I will.
x

"Do you blog?"

"Does anyone have a blog?" I was the only person who raised my hand.
"Yeah, I have one too. What's yours for?"
"Erm... Writing."
"What do you write?" I paused, stumbled over my words because I didn't really know how to answer.
"For writing down your feelings, getting them off your chest?"
I pulled a face, it sounded cringeworthy when he said it. "Sort of..."
He figured I didn't want to talk about it.
"Well..." He looked at the rest of the class, away from me to save me anymore embarrassment and awkwardness I think he could see I felt. "On mine, I write reviews. Reviews on films, books, television programmes, music, anything really."

There are very few people I know who I would want to read any of these things. I wouldn't want my family to, there are a few of my friends that I wouldn't mind if they read it, but for the majority I'd only have strangers read it. Strangers and him. If he actually cared.
I hope he cares.

x

Overprotectiveness.

To all those girls (and guys) out there who have brothers and fathers and other relatives who are way too overprotective, I feel for you and I really hope the overprotectiveness is not to the degree than I know.
If it is, you might be single forever. I think I might be.

It's been happening forever, but now it's starting to get worse because the reality is upon them. I might actually meet someone who I like and that likes me back (hopefully) and my brothers and Dad would have to deal with it and welcome him into our family like they do the girls that my brothers bring home.
Don't be daft, they'd never welcome him in like that. He'd get beaten and gotten drunk, quizzed and tormented first, and if he stayed around then maybe (just maybe, not guarantee) he might be good enough to accept but if he puts one toe over the line then it's bye bye to him, even if I like him and want him to stay around.

Until now, I've just let it go over my head because that's the easiest way. I used to play off it, use it to my advantage, I loved the attention and drama. But now I've grown up a bit and tonight, for the one of the first times, the overprotectiveness annoyed and upset me a little.

There's someone I've got a little bit of a thing and my brothers know of him because he works in our local. I don't even know him really, we haven't spoken much but he's really good looking, eye candy I suppose really. He's been warned of my brothers and their ways by another one of the barstaff who knows them. Tonight, I went to our local with my Dad and we got talking to some guy who obviously knew the lad. This guy must have noticed me glancing at the lad from time to time and asked if I wanted him to put in a word for me to which my Dad (who had had a drink or two...) explained about my overprotective brothers, but my Dad thinks it's a wonderful thing. Later on, the lad went to turn the TV off that was behind me and had to squeeze through a gap between me and a table to get to it. He brushed past me once he'd turned it off and then pretended to trip whilst glaring ast me as if it was my fault, to which I replied "you walked into me!" but I was laughing as I said it. Then my Dad suddenly turns around and starts saying "is he giving you hassle? Is he giving you hassle?! I'll tell your big brothers he's giving you hassle!" I explained thast he was just joking around with me and that we were having a laugh, he wasn't giving me hassle. My Dad didn't seem to understand. As we left, the guy we'd been talking to said "I'll put in a good word for you" and winked at me. I smile and shrugged and I wasn't sure whether to be really happy or quite worried about it, I wasn't sure whether I hoped he would actually do it or not -I'm still not sure.

But anyway, I really hope my Dad doesn't tell me brothers that the lad was giving me hassle (because he just wasn't, whatever way you look at it, and I loved that I got to talk to him!) because I might lose all hope and I'll definitely lose all chance of anything with the lad.

I'm too worried to ever bring a lad home with me. Even one that I've been seeing for a while who I know is decent. That really isn't a good thing. There is nothing I can do about it. I've told my brothers to tone it down but they don't, I don't think they know how to.
It's a nightmare, I just hope that one lad I bring home (when I finally pluck the courage up to...!) they find appropriate and good enough and don't treat him too badly.
I'm a bit insecure, not that anyone would ever know it, and I think that if I take a lad home and they have a hard time off my brothers there, they'll just leave because it's not worth the hassle. It probably isn't worth the hassle, I don't suppose I could blame them. My brothers would never understand that. They think I'm as confident as ever. What do they know?

I love my family more than anything and I would choose my family over friends or a lad anyday, I know I would. That's the way I've been brought up, that's the way my priorities stand and they always will. But I hope that one day my priorities won't all conflict like they do at the moment, like they always have done.



To any person who suffers from overprotective family or friends, I hope that when the right girl or guy comes along for you, your family and friends get along with them and see them fit for you aswell.

I hope you all find happiness in friendship, family and love, all at the same time.
x

Fortune Favours The Brave.

I put up post-it notes around with all sorts of messages on them, but they all reoccur and get used over again. One of the messages I like to use is "fortune favours the brave". If you put yourself out there and take the chances that can be taken then you're more likely to be fortunate, the more you put yourself out there and go for it.

Taking chances, in my opinion, is important. It helps you grow as a person, helps you find out who you truly are and what you're willing to take chances for.

This week, my first week of freedom, I watched two series of a TV programme that I didn't watch at the time but I wish I had. "Skins". Know it? The first two series are about 7 or 8 teenagers in their second year of A-levels (same as me) but instead they were having the time of their lives, living the dream, doing what they wanted, going wild, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, having sex, all sorts. All sorts that I wouldn't do because I know it to be wrong, to not be sensible, to be dangerous. I'd never have the nerve, I wouldn't want to disappoint my parents or anyone else, I'd be too scared because of all the bad side effects.
I want to go and have fun. Go and do the stuff that all the other teenagers in this country are doing that I don't seem to be.
In Skins, one of them gets left behind. Everyone in the group of friends passes their exams and go to uni or to do whatever they dreamed of doing except one who failed and his plans can't happen. Instead though, his best mate asks him to move to London with him and his boyfriend so that he doesn't get left behind.
I feel like I'm the one who's going to be left behind, even though my friends are staying here.

What does all this have to do with fortune favouring the brave? I have no idea. I guess if that's what I want to do then I suppose I've got to throw myself out there so that there is a chsnce it could happen to me. As the people in Skins would say, "Fuck it."

Fuck it. Take a chance. Because fortune favours the brave.


On the other hand, if you're too sensible for that, another message I put on my post it notes is:
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." ~ Mary Anne Radmacher.

Have a wonderful day. x

Here's To My Teachers.

The day has finally come. Thursday, I did my last exam, and yesterday I went to school one last time to help out in Sports Day. I was classed as a teacher though and spent the day with my favourite staff in the school; the PE department and my English teacher. It was the best day I have ever had at my school and for the first time ever, I felt sad that I was leaving because I was going to miss the teachers so much.

Those teachers are somthing special.

Being in year 13 has one huge bonus; you can be friends with your teachers. They help you, are understanding, respect goes both ways and you can get to know the teachers as they get to know the pupils properly... Not just as students but as people. You can have a laugh, be friends with them, talk to them about anything, trust that the other won't go and tell everyone else anything that has been said.

Yesterday, I went to help out in Sports Day as I said, and I went to sit with all the teachers as I was the only sixth former helping out and one of my three PE teachers said "don't worry, she's one of us", and they carried on being as they would with fellow teachers - they would never act that way infront of students, but I was classed as a teacher for the day and I saw a new side to them all. A side that I absolutely love.

I spent the morning with the PE department who I've been quite close with since the beginning of my senior school life because I've always loved PE. All the teachers in the PE department are amazing and I had a good chat with a couple of them and a really good laugh while helping to run some field events in sports day. Then in the afternoon, I spent the afternoon with my favourite teacher ever, my English Language teacher, choosing the music that should be put on and teasing him for his bizarre music taste.

He's one of my favourite people, my (ex) English Language teacher. Not just out of the teachers but out of everyone. He'll never realise how much of a difference he's made to my life over the past couple of years. For teachers that go the extra mile, who try their best to keep everyone happy, do a good job and be friends with their pupils who seem like they actually care who we are, how we are and how we do. I'm going to seriously miss his lessons, his passing comments, his praise, his humour, the looks he gives, his company, him in general. I don't think anyone will be able to motivate me as well as he could. I have so much respect and admiration for people with the patience, ability, understanding and caring to be a really good teacher... I have so much respect and admiration for him.

"Change lives. Become a teacher." That couldn't be more true, for my teachers - especially my A2 teachers - have changed my life, they've had such a huge impact on me and my life and no-one will ever understand just how grateful I am.


Last night, we went into town to celebrate because our exams had finished. It was awesome night.
I drink to my teachers.
The people that have taught me, been there for me and changed me for the better. The people that have had a huge impact on my life and yet they'll probably never realise quite how much. The people who got me through the most difficult year of my life to date, and even helped me to enjoy it - and maybe even get some decent grades out of it in the end.
I thank them. Here's to them.
x

Giving Up.

The extremes of giving up means suicide, doesn't it? I think that's a soft point that could deserve it's whole own post but it's very controversial and a difficult topic.

Giving up, debately a bad thing but sometimes it could be a good thing for a situation. Giving up and not trying anymore, not going out of your way to make something work or happen even though you still hope it does work out. Giving up means that someone else has to try, put in the effort to make whatever it is work. If it doesn't mean that someone else has to make it work and it it mean to work then that means destiny and fate get involved so that things plan out the way they should.

Should we ever give up on something we want?
I've always strongly believed that you should never give up on your dreams, I definitely never would. I want to go travelling and one day I know I will, I'm determined and I will make sure that I can do everything I possibly can to get me on a plane and around the world. It's a dream, a hope, a plan for the future, therefore something that should't be given up on. It should be considered, taken seriously and something that should be reached for.

Should we give up on other things though? For example, if you like someone, should you give up on them before you know for sure whether or not it's going to happen? You don't know for a fact that nothing is going to happen between you but it seems pretty hopeless and you've got a feeling it's not going to work out the way you might have hoped. Do you give up? Or do you wait until you know for sure that it won't work? Do you start looking for someone else, start trying to get over him OR do you start going completely out of your way to get him interested or to let him know that you like him?
I like the idea of going out of your way to find out whether it is going to happen or not, because it's so romantic, but at the same that's just setting yourself up to get hurt isn't it?

Maybe if I give up on it, fate will come to my side and help me out. I can always hope.

Is there a right answer? I suppose it depends on the situation.
But I just need a sign. Yes or no? Please let this work out... Tell me what to do.
x

For Once...?

I've written about distractions before. And normally they're a really good thing because they're not that serious and they help you get over someone or something that you really need to get over. But what happens if you fall for the distraction more than you planned to and then that distraction becomes the new problem, not just a distraction any more and you need a new distraction because the first distraction(which is now the problem) is starting to get as unbearable as the last problem?

Does that make any sense?

My family are so overprotective though and it worries me sometimes. I'd never settled down with anyone in fear of how my brothers will react and treat him. Should I care more about keeping them happy, or about being happy myself?

For once, I wished for myself. It won't work. It never did. But for once, just once, I'd like for something good to happen for me so that I can be happy for myself, not just for everyone else.
If it made someone else unhappy then I wouldn't want it. I just don't think anyone would mind, people might actually even be happy for me for once.
I don't ask for much. I hardly ask for anything. But please, just this once, let it be me. Although I don't know why it would be me, please let it be?

"I'm lucky, I smile a lot, but sometimes I wish for more than I've got, what about me? It isn't fair, I've had enough now I want my share. Can't you? I wanna live, but you just take more than you give."

I love all my friends, but is it bad that I'm be scared to introduce my guy to them all because I'd be worried he'd like them more than he likes me? I've got to find a lad first - maybe I've found one. But I'm convinced that it's just a waste of my time and affection as he likes someone else - someone else who I'm close with - but I can't drop it. I never can drop it. I don't drop it because I think maybe one day my perserverence and emotion will get me where I want to be - with who I want to be with. "It's got to happen, happen sometime. Maybe this time I'll win." Surely it has got to happen sometime? I don't want to wait forever to find what I'm dreaming of.
I think I might still be waiting for a long time yet. Maybe I'll have a nice surprise. Oh, I hope I do get a nice surprise.

Please. For once?
x

My Fear.

Lately, my best friend and I seem to have mentioned our fears quite often. They've been trival ones like birds, polistiren (don't ask!), heights, the normal things people are scared of. I'm not particularly scared of any of these things (although I'm not a huge fan of heights)! There are more important things I'm scared of, things that affect the way I act and what I do.

I don't know what to do at the moment. If I don't go to university (which is probably going to be the case), I can stay here and re-do my A-levels and go to university next year, I can get an apprenticeship or a job, not bother with university and try and get to high places with working hard. Or I can get a pass the time job, save up some money and go travelling and worry about all of this when I come back. I can't wait to get away from this town, the dramas, sometimes even the people. Yet, that's exactly what's stopping me... The people. My parents, my best friends.
My 4 best friends are all staying at home and going to the same university as each other. So whatever happens, I'm going to be the 5th leg, the odd one out. That terrifies me.

What terrifies me more though, is that if I leave, what if people don't notice I've gone? What if, when I come back, life if still the same and no-one has missed me.
I'm scared that I'm not going to make an impact on anyone's life.

I miss being appreciated or needed. Everyone has moved on. Everyone has grown up. No-one needs a friend anymore, they all have their boy or girlfriends instead. As long as they know I'll always be there if they ever do need me though, but I doubt they will. Everyone is settling down and I just want to go out and enjoy being eighteen. Isn't that what we're meant to do?

I hope I make impression, I hope I make a difference.
"There's a life that I am meant to lead, a life like nothing I have known. I can feel it and it's far from here, I've got to find it on my own. Even now I feel it's heat upon my skin, a life of passion that pulls me from within, a life that I am aching to begin. There must be somewhere I can be astonishing."

Although I'm posting this blog, part of me wants no-one to read it so that no-one will know what I'm scared of. It seems attention seeking, and God knows that's not what I want - attention. Sometimes it's just nice to know that your life does count.


I hope you all get the chance to change someone's life for the better. There is nothing that gives more satisfaction than that.
x

Exams, University, Future...

I've been meaning to write on here for a while. I keep thinking about it, thinking it's been ages, thinking that I'm not going to have any "June 2010" blogs. Not that I need reminding of what's happening this month. Nothing is happening. Nothing has happened in my life for the past month, hence the lack of blogs.

I've been revising non-stop, worrying about my present and my future. My exams aren't going as well as they could be, so September and going to university is looking further away than ever.


What I've thinking about lately is the way people say the things that they think you want to hear, and how much it irritates me.
If I tell anyone that I'm not going to get the grades I need, if I say I'm not going to get into university they just reply with "you'll be fine, you'll get in, you're an intelligent girl, you're working hard." What do they know? They weren't in the exam. They can't get inside my head and find out what I do and don't know for my exams. They don't know how good I am at the things I'm doing, they just say "you'll be fine" for their own peace of mind, and they think it'll make me feel better.

In all honesty, it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel worse because when I don't do as well as I "should" or I fail, they'll all be disappointed, think I could've done better. They'll think I didn't work hard enough even though that's not true. I just freak out in exams, they never go the way I want them to - and I'm not as intelligent as people think I am. They can't say I didn't warn them.

I only have 3 more exams left, I can't wait for them to be over so that I can have a life again, so that I can see my friends and family, actually appreciate their company.
Today, my Dad said to me, "I can't wait till you've finished so that I can have my babby back." It's the nicest thing that someone's said to me in such a long time.

But I'm worried that once I finish, that;s the start of the rest of my life. I know we don't get our results until the end of August but I don't think they're going to change my life like everyone else's results are going to when they're off to uni.


But two more weeks of solid revising before I can properly start worrying about that.
Good luck to everyone doing exams. I hope yours go much better than mine always do.
x

Easier Said Than Done.

What do you do when everything is wrong, everything is difficult, when you have no motivation to do anything but if you did have the motivation, you wouldn't know what to do anyway?

What do you do when the last place you want to be is where you are? What do you do when your whole future relies on the next month, doing something that you've began to hate so you can't be bothered and just don't want to do it?

What do you do when your life plan takes a blip, you don't achieve something you were meant to for it to stay or track and suddenly you have to figure out a whole new plan?
What do you do when the rest of your life depends on these 3 letters you get in August? What if they're not the letters you need?

What do you do when you realise that your dreams are never going to come true? And what do you do if they did come true and you'd just be doubting the truth of them?

What do you do when you have so many questions in life and nobody to answer them?


You just keep going. You put on a happy face. Keep living. Get over it. Keep trying. Grin and bare it. Find a new plan. Don't regret the past and look forward to the future.
You keep the questions to yourself, if someone comes along then you can ask, otherwise you have to figure out the answers yourself.


But what do you do when that's much easier said than done?

x

"Smile, though your heart is aching."

I wouldn't dare to admit it. I don't think anyone would really understand anyway. I know I shouldn't write people off straight away, should always give them the chance to try and understand, but giving them that chance might go horribly wrong and I'm not ready to risk that yet. I try to convince people that it's never going to happen because I don't want people to encourage me and make me believe that all dreams can come true. This dream can't. It's not everyone else that makes me believe though. They have evidence to back up their points, and that evidence always comes from you.


It actually hurts. Every day, I think about it and it hurts me because however strong this front I have up is, it's never going to trick me into thinking I don't mind. It's never going to make me believe that I don't care, that I don't feel that way. And it breaks my heart. What would break my heart even more would be that you carry on acting the way you are. You said nothing would change. It's only been a couple of weeks and so much has changed, we act completely different now.

I won't give up, and I know it won't go away. Maybe when I believe that you're truly happy, maybe then I'll be able to let it go. But not now, not yet.

At the moment, my favourite song is "Smile", originally by Charlie Chaplin.
"Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. Smile through your pain and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow you'll see the sun come shining through for you.
Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness. Although a tear may be ever so near, that's the time you must keep on trying. Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile."

Story of my life. No-one will ever know. I hope.

Smile...

Give Me A Chance.

Why doesn't anyone just let me live my life and do everything that I want to do the way I want to do it?
They might be looking out for me, but it's so irritating.
I want to learn from some of my own mistakes and experiences, not from everyone else's.

One day I'll learn. And one day I'll make you proud. I hope. But for now, just let me live. Let me find out who I am and what I was born to do. It's so unclear at the moment. Everything is so mixed up. I don't know where to start. Give me a chance and I'll prove to you that I can do it on my own. I'll prove to you that I am someone who has done the right thing, who can make a difference, who is a good person, someone who can make you proud.


Give me a break.
Give me a chance...

Luck.

Luck:
Luck or good luck is success or good things that happen to you, that do not come from your own abilities or efforts.
Bad luck is lack of success or bad things that happen to you, that have not been caused by yourself or other people.

I don't agree with the first two words. Luck itself is neither good or bad, putting a positive or negeative adjective in front of it to sway it one way or the other makes it good or bad.
I was talking about it with a friend and he was the one to explain this concept to me, I was the only one out of a group of five that understood what he was saying.

Is luck even real? Is it merely another supersticion, a myth that helps shifts the blame of something bad happening or explains why something - whether it be good or bad - has happened?

Luck and supersticion go hand in hand, don't they? I follow some supersticions even thought I don't particularly believe I'd get bad luck if I didn't follow them - or do I? Would I follow them if I didn't believe in them at all? I think I just do it for the fun, for a bit of variety and change.

My cousin and I used to follow the magpies supersticion for a laugh when we were playing golf when we were young and it's stuck now.
"One for sorrow, two for joy.
Three for a girl, four for a boy.
Five for silver, six for gold.
Seven for a secret never to be told."
We made up eight, nine and ten but I can't remember them anymore, but when do you ever see more seven magpies together? To counteract seeing however many magpies you saw, you have to touch the object that goes with the number. For one, you must touch green and two you must touch red. Then a girl for three, a boy for four and so on. I don't know what you have to touch for seven, but I've never seen more than four magpies together.

I do a lot of music and drama which means we're in theatres a lot and it's bad luck to say "MacBeth" in a theatre. You have to turn about three times and touch the floor if you do. Not that that would counteract it. Although that doesn't bother me too much, my friend really believes it so none of us can say it or she's on edge for the show show.
I tend not to walk under those sign posts that are like an arch way, or walk over three drains that are in a row. If I do walk under or over them though, it's not the end of the world, I just think "it's just a supersticion, it doesn't mean anything" and that's the end of it. I dont mind anything else really.
macbeth in a theatre.

Supersticions like black cats and walking under ladders don't bother me. I can walk under a lad or have a black cat cross my path and it won't worry me at all, I'll completely forget about the fact that it happened, even if something bad happens. I won't consider that as the reason for the bad happenings.

Either way, it's nice to have good luck on your side.

Luck to you all.
Preferably good luck.
x

Fate.

Do you believe in fate?

It's a strange concept that no-one will ever know the answer to. Maybe fate is just based on the choices we make. But if that is the case, then our lives are planned out, every minute of every day, everyone move and every choice we make is pre-planned. Maybe it's only the bigger picture that is fate, the lessons we learn and the ending of the story.

What's meant to be will be.

I like the idea of fate because it lets you look to the future with hope with the thoughts that if it hasn't happened now then it might happen in the future, and if it's meant to be then it will be.
I like the idea of fate because it lets me keep dreaming and hoping for something in the future that I should forget about because it would never happen to a girl like me.
A girl like me. The girl who is happy because everyone she loves is happy, and her life is okay, there's nothing particularly wrong. So I'm grateful because I know I'm lucky to have nothing wrong. Even if I don't that one extraordinary thing - or person. As long as they're happy, and as long as he's happy.

Fate, serendipity, destiny. All different words with similar meanings. How will be ever know if it's real? Now, someone telling me that we'll end up together because it's fate, it just has to happen. But I wonder if, in a couple of years time, we'll be saying that it's that a different couple are together (or should be).

Either way, I know the person that ideally I'd end up with. Maybe that's ridiculous. I don't know whether you feel it before you start the whole process, but I feel like this is different, special. Maybe I'm being over the top, getting way over my head, but I've not felt this way for someone, or had this relationship with someone before. Maybe that's my inexperience and just the way he is. But maybe there is something there that I'm not imagining. It's been this way for a long time, and although there might have been distractions along the way, it's been him and I can't see it stopping in a while. Not with the (frustrating, misleading, heartbreaking yet beautiful) hope that I have at the moment.

"The one". That's definitely all about fate, isn't it? So if you believe in the one then you believe in fate.
I believe that there are a few people in the world that a person could be very happy with their whole lives. Maybe there's one that would be "best" or "right", but there is a different person that it could work with too. I'd like to believ on "the one" but it seems so cliche and such a juvenile idea.

Sometimes I look at my past blogs and for a few of them, I forget why I wrote it. For each blog there is a reason I'm am writing about that topic, an event in my life that had me considering and wondering about the topic. I don't think I'll forget the reason for this one though.

I think I've written about fate before without actually realising it was fate. "Everything happens for a reason". I have always and still do believe this so therefore I must believe in fate. I don't know, must I? I like the idea of fate.

Although I'm not really sure what my conclusion to this blog is, I stand by what I've said before.
Everything happens for a reason.
And what's meant to be will be.

Do you believe in fate? I think I do.

Jump And Pray.

I don't know what to think. I'm not really sure what I should do, although I think I'm going to do the right thing. Everyone who knows is telling me it's the right thing.

But how do you ever know what is the 'right' think to do? It might be the ideal thing, or the moral thing, but any action can be classified as the 'right' thing, it's completely opinion. Someone said to me, "the right thing to do might not be the best thing" which completely confused me, but I agree now, it depends who you want to keep happy. If you want to keep everyone else happy then doing the 'right' thing is the way to go, but sometimes - occasionally- you have to keep yourself happy so you have to do whats best for you.

I've never been in this situation before. I've never been forced to consider to tell somebody something very important to me. Now, I'm in a situation where I can tell or not tell, it's completely in my hands, but either way there are consequences I'll have to deal with. According to someone I highly respect and trust, one of these things is right and one of them is best. I think I know now which one is which and I've decided which path to choose, there's no going back. Let's just hope it is the best path. I've been led to believe that it is, but how am I to know until in years to come when I can see all of the outcomes of the decision I've made?

I've talked about this so many times but it all depends on whether you're brave enough to go for for it. Jump and hope to God that you can fly.

I've always said "just do it", you should go for what you want regardless, forget about getting hurt for a moment, what if all of your dreams come true? Surely it's worth a try. The hope and that maybe, it's enough to make you want to go for it and try.
When I was driving, my Dad was telling me a story about how he'd hestitated whilest driving and he shouldn't have and that I shouldn't hestitate when driving. It made me think, and it applies to lots of different situations. It applies to the one I was in last week, and I hesitated. So now I have to sort it out.

I'm going to jump, and I wish upon every star in the sky that I can fly.
x

Ode to WBOS.

There's a place I go that makes me happy after 2 minutes of being there, a place I feel accepted and welcome where I get on with everyone, where I've made some of the best friends and met some of the most talented people I've ever known. It's called WBOS. We all auditioned to get in so we all know we're half decent at singing, dancing and acting and we'll all on a par, no-one is up themselves and everyone gets on really well.
Every time I go, I hear the beautiful sound of amazing voices singing solos and together with perfect harmonies and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

This weekend has been an amazing one, a dress rehersal and 3 shows, with 2 standing ovations which is unusual for a concert. We didn't stop, chorus number after number. It was such a good weekend, so much fun, so many laughs - and tears - and memories I'll never forget!

But there always comes a time to move on. And this is our time. To move on up into the big wide world and get our lives back, get them the way we want them. There is so much we can do now, but I don't know whether that will make it worth it. I'm so sad to leave, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself on a Friday night now!

It's going to be hard because I've known life when I've always had a time at least once a week, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week where I could go and have an amazing time and forget about life and be myself without worrying about anything else, just for a little while. Now I don't know that and I'm going to have to get used to it, get used to not having a little free time without worry.

I'm so sad to leave. But I've had the time of my life.

So thank you to all my best friends, all of the WBOS people who have made the past 4 years the best of my life as I know it. It's changed me. Changed me in so many ways and "I am who I am because of you". Because of WBOS.

P.S. Goodness Gracious Great Balls Of Fire!
x

Regret.

I don't really have any regrets. I know some people who do, though.
I always though that there was never much point in them because theyre is nothing you can do to change the past, what happened at the time. You can sort out your status, or relationship or whatever after the regret so that you don't need to regret whatever happened anymore because the consequences are sorted and that is the main thing about a regret.

Sometimes I think "what if?". What if I'd done it differently? What if I'd have stayed? What if I'd have said how I really felt?

What is the actual point of a regret though? I understand that it's when you wish you had or hadn't done something. I believe that it's easier to regret something you didn't do, a missed opportunity because you never know what might have happened afterwards and then there are more "what if" questions than ever.

What do you really get out of a regret? It's just unnecessary worry about something in the past that you can't changed. Something that you have to live with, you have to accept and you have to get over so that it doesn't ruin (that word might be a bit strong but I suppose how much the regret affects you) your life.

I don't believe in regrets. I can accepting wishing things had gone differently, but I think that the sooner you let a regret go the better because you can go on living your life and you'll be happier.


I hope you never have any regrets... Learn from your mistakes instead of regretting them.
But I hope you're never in a situation that you could possibly live to regret later on in life. Who knows what might happen? The past is the past and the future is ahead of you. You can't let the past ruin the gift that is the future.

You can't see the future when you have tears in your eyes.
x

Anything But Ordinary Please.

The past few days I've come to one final conclusion about my life as I know it and how I feel at the moment.

I am bored.

Everyday, my life just follows the same routine. My life as I know it is changing, I've always loved it and been satisfied by it. I'm not unhappy, I do like my life and I really appreciate everything that I have, I'm just bored.
Everything I had planned for my future now just seems average, normal and boring. I want to do something exciting with my life, something different. "I wanna be anything but ordinary please." There's a song with that title by Avril Lavigne that describes how I feel at the moment quite well.

Also, "Defying Gravity" from Wicked the Musical.
"Something had changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so somethings I cannot change but 'til I try I'll never know."

Inside I am screaming for fun but life just has to go on everyday as normal, doing the same old, accepting life and everything the way it is just waiting for something to change. I don't know how to change it, it isn't in my power right now. I have to finish school before I'm allowed to do anything about it. I try to make the most of it and believe it or not I'm an optimist.

After being in devon with the girls I just want to travel, I want to go away again, I've always wanted to go round the world but now I just can't wait to leave. I want to go as soon as I can, get away from here and from normality. My best friend and I used to say that we would go away on a gap year together, it would be the best year of our lives, but she's settled down and she's going to uni for four years now so if we ever did go, it't not going to be for another 5 years at least. So, now I've decided that I'm going. I'll go on my own if I have to.

I want to do something crazy, something wild and fun so that I feel free and excited and really happy. I want to live my life, and right now I feel like it's just passing me by.


The dreams I've had all my life now seem small, ordinary, boring. I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to change other people's lives while I'm changing mine.

But "I want" never got anybody anywhere...

x

A Holiday With The Girls.

I would like to be anywhere but here right now. Don't you hate the depression and having to get used to the normal routine of being home once you've just got back from a really good trip?
I would like to be back on holiday with the girls, having the best time, not having to think or worry about anything, just relaxing and having fun. And eyeing up one of the entertainment guys that worked there.

Four of my best friends and I went to North Devon to a Parkdean Holiday Park from Monday to Friday. 12th - 16th April 2010. We went on a Sun Holiday (you know, the holidays from £9.50) and it cost us about £80 each for everything; food, petrol, the caravan, holiday park passes & entertainment, insurance, drinks and swimming.

We didn't really do a lot. We got up between 8 and 9am, talked for a couple of hours, then went out for a couple of hours. Going out consisted of either going for a walk to the park or the beach or going swimming or going to the shop. After that, we went back to the caravan for lunch and talked for a couple of hours, then we went out again for a bit. Then we'd come in, make dinner and get ready to go out for the evening abour 9pm (and 6pm on the last night because we went for a meal).

It was so simple but so satisfying and so relaxing. Quality time with the best friends, the people that I love so much but never really show them and I don't know what I'd do without them. We had so many deep, interesting conversations and so many light hearted and funny conversations. I could have stayed there for another week.

Also, I sorted something out with my best friend, something that I know I may have gone about in the wrong way but it turned out okay, and I realise how blessed I am that I have such a wonderful and understanding best friend. Now it's out in the open, I'm much happier about the whole situation.

I just hate the fact I didn't do anything about it - but I hope you figured.

Songs of the holiday:
Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves.
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen.
Fireflies - Owl City.
Single Ladies - Beyonce.
Tick Tock - Kesha.

"I think 3 is too many in that bathroom."
(Shutting the curtains). "Is this for real?!"
Dani's weird way of holding crisps.
Taking a detour on the way there!
Pulling the tractor driver ;) Aha.
Bohemian Rhapsody on the beach.
Tea / Coffee & Bsicuits.
"I need a tray. I don't want to sacfrifice the biscuits and the tea will just make a mess."
"I've got a ginea pig named after jaffa cakes!" "What's it called?"
Stealing the sugar from the service stations!
"Gosh, wherever I'm away with you I say 'fuck' every other fucking word!"
"My legs aren't long enough." "Her little toe is!!"
The sea!
The sand being really cold - and then really warm.
"Did you make potions with icecream where you werte little?" "Yeah, it doesn't taste right." "Yeah it does, I'm just not allowed to do it anymore."
"Do you have a torch?" "Oh yeah, I'll just pull it out."
Sining Build Me Up Buttercup at Rachel's funeral.
A weight of my shoulders.
"You suck."
Single Ladies!
"How old are you lot?" "18, why?" "I just bet that guy you were all 18." "Fuck!" "Here you go!" "Oh, thanks!"
Jen's hair grip.
The deep conversations... And the light hearted ones!
The nice food! Carly's arranging.
Being the loudest table!
The entertainment.
Magazines.
Jen's drawing. :)
Post - it notes!
The guys that could dance and sing.
Him! ;) Aha.


I feel like something epic is ending. But I can't wait for something else to begin.

So, although I know you four girls are never going to read this, thank you for one of the best weeks of my life and I love you so much. You're the best friends a girl could ask for.
x

To Tell Or Not To Tell?

That is the question.

I've been busy busy busy this week and I've not really been online much so I haven't been able to talk to a certain someone. He doesn't know that I have a thing for him, or that I love getting comments and messages off him. But after coming home from an wonderful trip to London (we went to see Wicked - go and see it, it is absolutely amazing!), I came home to find that he hadn't replied even though he had been on. That is the moment you realise that they aren't interested so you just just forget it as you're wasting your time, energy and emotion on someone who isn't going to give you anything in return.

But besides all of that, what if you didn't know? Because sometimes it's impossible to tell whether someone is interested or not. I know when you're young it's "my friend fancies you..." and when you're a teenager, " you're fit..." But after that, it's not as simple as "I like you" or "I'm not interested". Love, lust and growth come into it. You can grow to like and love someone, right? That's what I hear, what the movies tell us.

Back to the point, if you don't know and you'd like to find out, how do you do that? Flirt? Just wait and see? Or do you think that you've got nothing to lose, just go for it and tell them? What is there to lose, a friendship? If a frienship is strong enough then it'll be able to get over it if the feeling is mutual. And if the feeling is mutual? Then life becomes perfect. You are able to say that you are "happy in love".
Is it alright for girls to make the first move now? I know most of us would rather have the lad make the first move, but what if they don't want to? I saw a statistic that said something like 86% of men would rather the girl made the first move. I don't know whether that's true butI don't see what anyone had to lose by making the first move, boy or girl. It's just a bit nerve racking.

I'm allowed to say all of this, I've made the first move a few times, told a person that I liked them. Never has it gone the way I wanted, but I won't give up and stop trying. Although I don't think I'll be telling my current interests seeing as I already know that they'd probably just blow me off.


I've always wanted to be talking to someone I like and if I didn't know how they felt (or I did know they liked me), just to kiss them. I'd love to see the reaction. Whether it was a good or bad reaction, it would be such a nice thing to be able to say "I did it" for, even if your friendship was never the same again.


"Don't leave me hanging here 'cause this girl has fallen stupid for you."

Go for it. What do you have to lose?
x

Happy Easter.

Today is Easter Sunday. Sunday 4th April 2010. Resurrection Day. 2010 years after Christ was born.

Actually, they changed their minds, didn't they? I don't know who "they" are. Historians of some kind think that Christ was born a few years earlier than we were all told to begin with.
If you ask me, I'm not really sure how you can make that mistake, but it happened. If it's true.

I'm a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ. I'm not going to say I believe that he was born from a virgin mother who came back from the dead and he was a miricle worker with healing hands. But I do believe that he lived, at one time or another, and promoted God and what he believed in. God on the other hand, I don't know whether I believe in. I'd really like to but I don't understand how it could work when there is so much proof against it. I keep an open mind though and fully respect people that do believe, I wish I could believe as whole heartedly as they do.

Religion was always such a huge thing in everyone's life, but is it now? Of course it if. The majority of people I know are athiests and religion is still a part of their life just because it is a part of so many other people's lives. It causes so much grief and distruction. But it also causes so much hope and belief.

I think it's good to have something to believe in.

On a happier and less touchy subject, I hope you got lots of Easter Eggs and chocolate.
One thing though, I don't suppose you know why we gives Easter Eggs made of chocolate at Easter? Why eggs and chocolate?!
Oh well. Mmm chocolate.

Happy Easter.

x

Dreams.

I'm aware that my life revolves around dreams, dreams that in my lifetime and their life time and your life time, will hopefully be achieved and will come true.
Except this time I mean the dreams that you have when you're sleeping too, the ones that you really wish you could remember when you wake up but the majority of the time you can't.

You know when you wake up (for example when your alarm goes off) and then you fall back to sleep for 10 minutes or so - a proper sleep not just a doze - and in that 10 minutes you have a dream? When I do that, I normally remember the dream.
I did that this morning. Before I tell you what my dream was about, I'll fill you in a little.

(Following the "Nostalgia" blog...) I found the photos. He never got back to me, we haven't spoken since the first nerve racking, butterflies in my stomach, reuniting conversation we had. If only it had gone as well as I'd hoped. Anyway, we haven't spoken since, but I found the photos so I commented him yesterday saying "found them :P x" so we'll see what happens now.

My dream last night was about him. I found him in bed with my cousin - which was very strange seeing as he doesn't even know her. And his Mom and my Mom were there too. We ended up sitting and talking alone after my cousin and our Moms left. It was bizarre.

This would be my perfect story. Being friends when we were young, not talking for years and then when we met again, we fell in love. Blah blah blah. I know that isn't going to happen - no chance at all. I'm probably never going to see him again anyway. But it would still be my perfect story. I suppose I need to forget about that though seeing as I am completely wasting my time. I suppose that is just a dream and it always will be.


I used to always go by "Dream the impossible. Live the dream." and all that jazz.
I'm losing faith. Surely that is just opening yourself up to get hurt?

We'll see. But in the mean time...
Keep dreaming.
x