Not knowing.

It's weird. I never used to get moody. I used to go quiet if I was upset, but I'd always have a reason for being upset in the first place so it was normal. But now, now I seem to react to the slightest of things; a comment, seeing something I didn't want to, even just a bad or upsetting thought. Anything can set me off.

Then, I spend hours silent and thinking to myself about all the reasons I could be upset. I never find an answer.

There are always things like boys, sex, stress about work, unhappiness about something to do with myself, trouble with other people.
Sometimes, I think, deep down, I know what it is. I'm just too scared to admit it to myself because it would just turn my world upside down. And sometimes I think that me even thinking that that could be causing this sort of feeling is silly, because I'm happy in that area.

I did an experiment for my friend who's doing a study about the relationship because happiness and the way you view yourself, and on one sheet you had to fill in how anxious, worried, scared and unhappy you get (if you get), and the other you had to rate yourself on your looks, personality and social skills. Well, mine followed her hypothesis perfectly, with anxiousness and being worried, and being realistic with my judgement of myself. It's a bit worrying that she's using that theory with signs of depression. Maybe her theory is wrong... Many people seemed to prove it wrong. OR maybe it was a problem with the actual test.

I show people a lot of affection (when I feel it towards them). It's just the way I am, I like showing people how much they mean to me - I want people to know because it's a nice thing to know.
I don't like the feeling you get when you don't receive affection and when you feel underappreciated. Its all too familiar.

It all started about six months ago. I had a conversation with my friend in December about it and she said that when she went on the pill, she started going crazy and having massive mood swings.
Maybe that's the reason. Maybe I should change my pill. I'm scared to in case that's not the reason.

It seems to be all go this week.It seems that I will have to really hope for the best but maybe plan for the worst. Brings on the tests...

My Dad says sometimes, to figure out why you're down, you have to really know yourself well. He told me that he was 50 and he'd only just figured some of the things about himself out that he need to know, to know why he feel the way he did occasionally. I hope I don't have to wait until I'm 50.

x

Not Knowing About What To Do In Life.

Lots of people live their life, especially their teenagers years, unsure of what they want to do or be "when they grow up". I'm definitely one of those people. I have no idea what to do with my life. I want to do everything. I want to travel and see the world. But for now, I'm to get my degree and get as job after that, and hope I can find one that I like.

I've never decided on what I've truly wanted to do. I've flitted between the idea of being a teacher, a vet, a lecturer, (it seems I'm really adventurous with my choice of jobs...) and my latest thought is a speech and language therapist. I really have no idea though.

Baz Lurhman wrote in his song "Suncreen", "Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't."

I hope I'm that type of person. Actually, I just I wish I could be.

There's only one thing in my life that I can say I would love to do, that I've always wished I could do, something that I love so much that makes me so happy, but it's just so unpractical and unrealistic and it could never truly happen.

Is there something you really wish you were amazing at? Something you could really succeed, to have an incredible talent?

At the moment, all I want to do is listen, watch and perform in musical theatre. The problem is, I can't sing. Well, I can sing, and I'm okay. But I'm just okay. And being "okay" didn't get anybody anywhere. I know for a fact that I appreciate the music, talent and wonders and musical theatre more thean the majority of people. When someone shcoks you with an amazing voice, or some incredible acting, seeing something spectacular? It stays with me, and my appreciation towards it is overwhelming.

My boyfriend is taking me to London so see a show I want to watch for Christmas. He knows I'm really excited, but I don't think he understands just how much I appreciate it and love him for it.

Apparently everyone is good at something. Everyone has something that is "theirs". Their thing that makes them unique and who they are.

Well, unless my is being wonderfully average at everything, I haven't found mine yet...

For now, I guess I just have to finish my degree and decide on a temporary career, until I have an epiphany about my life.
I hope it comes.

x

2011 -- The Summary.

Going back to university, wondering what was to come.

Having "fun".

Insomnia.

A secret never to be revealed - to anyone.

Dreaded news, but finding out from the wrong person.
A comfort and a change.

Our trooper, and an amazing recovery. :)

A date, and an even bigger change.

Lots of time.

A question.
- Nerves.
- A definite answer.
- A coincidental morning.
- A *moment* & so much happiness.

My best friend gets married. :)

Meeting the family.

An amazing term, & falling in love.

Exams... Here we go again.

The operation, and the amazing results.

Weddings & engagements galore.

2 weeks here, 2 weeks there.

The staggered walk home, and those three words...
Back to university again.

Getting a job!
- Boredom.
- Experience.
- A good CV.

Getting back into the musicals

A very unsatisfying dry spell.

Bad attendance?

Insomnia for him.

Coursework mad.

Interview.

First show in a while. Not as good as I'm used to.

Christmas time.
- "pratical".
- A very nice Christmas.
- Best Christmas present ever. :)

A wicked night out with some great friends.
- Doing something I shouldn't.
- Jagerbombs & Skittlebombs!
- Hanging so badly the next day!

New Year's Eve.
- Not being at home for the first time.
- A kiss. - A wicked night and few days.
- Lots of love.

I said 2011 was going to be my year. It was. It was an amazing year.
2012 is going to be even better.

I love my life.
Happy New Year. I hope 2012 Brings you all the love and happiness. :)