2012: The Summary.

Summary of 2012.

Coming into the year a taken girl.

Their final 6 months.

The best Valentine's Day ever. <3 -="" br="" london.=""> - The theatre.
- A hotel miles away.

Hitting Liverpool - the Hen Do.

Getting treated badly.

Turning 20. Being forgotten, and being loved.

Assignments galore.

1 whole year.

A wedding.

.London's calling and it's WICKED.

The dreaded exams.

Getting treated even worse.

Work Based Learning.
- Meeting some lovely children.
- Loving helping people.

Getting a permanent part time job!
- Learning.
- Loving the people.

Finishing and saying goodbye.

A long, long summer.
- A few days there and a few days there.
- Mostly here.
- Being so lonely.
- Driving again.
- Anger because of a whole month.
- Growing up.
- Losing the weight.

House hunting and failing.

Our first holiday.

Losing my favourite thing. :(

Finding a lovely place. Our place. Belonging.

Trying with my attendance and failing. Try harder next year!

Their graduation.

Nights out with people, old and new.

Putting it back on again.

Stomp & War Horse.
- Not what we'd usually go for, but incredible all the same.

Never drinking wine again!

Having to wait around to come home.

A shock from a friend.

Break ups and proposals.

Bad throat before Christmas.

A wonderful Christmas, as usual.
- Giving really good presents.
- Receiving good presents!
- A beautiful heart and a flashy card!

Seeing my favourite people.

Decisions, decisions about New Year.

Being a 12.

9-5.


I said 2011 was going to be my year and the 2012 was going to be even better.
2011 & 2012 have been the best two years of my life, and I can probably put it down mostly to one person. Perhaps not. University and everything that came with it, including that one person.

I still love my life. More than ever.

Happy New Year. I hope 2013 brings you all the love and happiness in the world. :)

Fate.

I'm sitting alone in an small archive room, bagging old files to be shredded (which is unbelievably boring, and always gives me paper cuts), listening to music very quietly on my phone.

Into The West by Annie Lennox came on. It's the last song in Lord Of The Rings : Return Of The King, so the chances are you've probably heard it. Anyway, its a slow, sad, beautiful song that made me start thinking. Not because of the lyrics particularly, but just because if the slow, hopeful sadness that the sing gives off to me.

I started thinking about life, about how we don't really have any control over it. I mean, I know we make choices everyday that affect our lives, but at the end of the day some things are just not meant to be. Or maybe a better way of looking at it would be that some things just are meant to be. 

My first thought, from listening to the sad song, was that I can't believe my cousin and her boyfriend have split up. They broke up yesterday and although they have been arguing a lot, she wasn't really expecting it, and I was expecting it even less. I thought they were great together, but I guess, what do I know? What does anyone know? Noone can predict the future, or what's going to happen.

So this is how I got on to life. I decided that there is nothing you do about certain situations. There was nothing she could do to stop that happening, from stopping the inevitable. Maybe the inevitable can be delayed, but whatever is going to happen, will happen, eventually. 

Now that doesn't mean that everything is permanent. Although something is inevitable, such as a break up, it might just be part of the journey those people walk. They might meet again. Hopefully when they do, they're on much better terms. 

It's just that some people match, and some don't. Some people's personalities and situations go so well with certain other people, that theu get on so well and nothing will change that. But in other cases, if one of the people's situation changes, and it doesn't match the other person's, that's when the disagreements or drifting starts. Like losing touch with old friends, or breaking up with a partner. 


I had a conversation with my boyfriend about fate. It was a long time ago, before we were together, before anything had ever happened between the two of us. He asked me if I believed in fate, whether our lives were already planned out for us and the decisions we made had already been decided for us. That was what fate was. Our decisions actually didn't really make a difference because they had already been chosen for us.
I said that I did believe in fate, to a degree. I thought that some things were meant to be, but we could change fate, if we wanted to, if we made a different decision to the one we might normally have made.

Then he said, if I thought decisions made a different then it couldn't be fate because that would mean that every decision made would have an affect on the future. It could be a minor or major change but a change all the same. That meant there were potentially billions of different outcomes in life, and any single one if them could be the one that actually happens, depending on a series of events and decisions.
I think there are certain things that are inevitable, but I guess nothing is completely concrete, every outcome can be changed if the people involved want it to be.


So, no further in my decision on fate, but at least my time in the archive room hasn't been quite as boring as it could have been. I guess it must be fate that Into The West was one if the first songs to come on, so that u could spend the time thinking, and writing this at the same time.

Do you believe in fate? I may have written a blog about fate and asked that before, but it does interest me, what people think of it.

I hope you make all the right decisions so that you're happy. But I guess whatever decision you make, it's the right one, right?

x

Forgetting.

As you may know if you have looked through this blog, I do a summary of my year in short and sometimes cryptic bullet points. I love writing that blog and I keep a draft all year around that gets updated with the new, recent things that have happening so that I don't forget anything that might be have been significant at the time. I enjoy sometimes have to work out my own memories by the cryptic clues I leave myself so I doubt most people would know what they are, but I can't tell everybody everything!

I love doing that, and it's important to me that I remember everything that was important to me. I know now that some of those events and bullet points don't even matter to me a year or two down the line, but they affected me at the time and they made an impact on my life in some small way. They were very important to me at the time they were happening otherwise I wouldn't have included them.

Sometimes, I worry that I'll forget about the things I love and have loved in the past. Things that I got excited for, that I watched or listened to or read or played with over and over again because it made me happy. Songs, books, films, TV programmes, greetings cards, cuddly toys.

For example, my Dad bought me a cuddly toy dog who went by the name of "Doggy". He was an Afgan hound puppy but you would never have guessed, and I had him since I was 2 years old. He was my favourite inanimate object in the whole world for my whole life. He still is. My boyfriend and I also love Tigger from Winnie the Pooh and we had a little baby Tigger and he was adorable. I loved them both extraordinary amounts for a 20 year old. Except I had a disaster. We took then on holiday with us to Tenerife in September and when we got to the airport on our way back to England, I realised I didn't have them. I was distraught. But I never want to forget them because they, Doggy in particular, had a huge impact on my child and adolescent life.

I think it's hard to remember everything you loved when you were younger. TV programmes and films and songs that you will never make a physical notes of to remember them, Maybe that will be a new blog for me. "My favourite things". Just so I remember.


I encourage everyone to remember their favourite things, even once you've lost or outgrown them. Once upon a time you were excited for it, you loved and lived for it, and most of all, it made you happy. Maybe you can look back and remember and take happiness just from the memory, or seeking it out again and remembering why you loved it so much.

You should always try to take as much happiness as possible for everything, living or inanimate.
Try to remember.

x

Being an adult.

For the first time ever, I actually feel like an adult. I'm currently homeless and therefore living at my parents and commuting to work, an hour and three quarter drive there and back every day for another two weeks. Well having the freedom, ability and independence to drive on my own and being able to afford my own petrol and everything else makes me feel like a grown up.

My tasks for this weekend are to find a house for September and book a holiday for my boyfriend and I. It'll be the first time I've had to do either of those things alone too.

I find it really strange. I've never wanted to grow up. But I've never felt old enough or independent enough to class myself as a real adult. It's scary to think that now it's time to start fending for myself.

Well, another year of university and then going travelling will delay my fully growing up for another couple of years. Maybe by that time I will be ready to grow up and settle down. But let's not assume or rush into anything just yet.

Life is happening. We had all better make the most of it while we can.
x

A "Heartfelt" Letter... From A Long, Long Time Ago.

I wrote this blog a couple of years ago, but I never posted it. For obvious reasons, I guess. I wanted to get this off my chest, and I did tell him. It was by text the day before I left. He knew. And he said it was awfully bad timing. Maybe I should have told him all that time ago when we were walking home and he were trying to find out what was wrong.

Things have worked out though. We're both happy. And in love. I guess people are right when they saying "things can only get better."

I know you're probably never going to read this. Maybe that's why I'm not too worried about posting it. But you do make me happy. Just as much now as ever.

"Someone who's opinion I value very highly said she thinks I should write a "heartfelt" letter to him. It'll explain how I feel and why I'm telling him now, just a few days before I leave.


Well... Here goes...


*You*,


I know a letter is a bit impersonal but we both know that confrontation isn't my thing - the last time I tried it face to face with you, I told you one of the few things that I was planning to, and after that one I couldn't bring myself to tell you the rest.


Remember when we walked home that one time and you kept asking me what was wrong? I didn't tell you, I didn't feel I could. I got really upset when you left because I thought I'd upset you. Whether you'll admit it or not, you'll looked really hurt and it broke my heart. I was really scared that you would think I didn't care for you enough or trust you enough to tell you which definitely wasn't the case. You said that you appreciated I was being a friend and looking out for you. I couldn't finish what I wanted to tell you because I didn't want you to think that there was any alterior motive than being a friend.


The whole point of this letter is to tell you how I feel about you. I know you probably already know - I know you knew five months ago when we were walking home but you were adament that you didn't and I should tell you but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. How are you supposed to say this kind of thing? "I like you a lot - yeah, like that", "you mean the world to me", "I care about you so much in a different way that I care about everyone else".
Or... "I love you."


I don't know whether bringing this up now is a good idea, just a few days before I leave. It might make things more complicated and confusing but the potential benefits of telling you outweight the downfalls so I thought I might aswell bite the bullet now instead of waiting and maybe wishing I had if I didn't. If I don't tell you now, after a few weeks of not seeing you I'll convince myself I'm moving on, it'll be fine and I can deal with it. I know that when I come back home and I see you, I'll be back to square one and be wondering whether or not telling you will help. I don't want that feeling every time I come home: being nervous because I'm thinking of telling you, never knowing where I stand, always wondering what to do.
I love you and your company and it'd be nice if I could just enjoy it without having thoughts spinning around my mind, worrying about what to say to you or what you think.


That night we walked home, you said that I'm more likely to regret something that I didn't do over something that I did do because if I did, at least I know I tried. I won't ever have to wonder "what if".
Well here I am, taking your advice, because "you're always right". But don't count on me ever saying that again.


You've made my life better just by being in it, and you'll never know how much I appreciate everything you've ever done or said to me. You've helped me in ways you'd never imagine. Thank you.



I care about you a lot, and I imagine I always will. You make me happy. I'll never underappreciate anyone who has the ability to make my happy just by being alive.
x"

We Are Young.

I've recently found a song called "We Are Young" by Fun. Admittedly, I found it because I was looking through Glee songs and I fell in love with that version of it. I'm a bit gay for Glee though, as I LOVE musical theatre and show choirs. But anyway, that really had nothing to do with what I'm planning on writing about; it just has "young" in the title and that's the only reason it can be classed as slightly appropriate!

A few weeks ago I went to a rugby match with my Dad. To set the scene of this rugby match, you have to understand that my Dad once played rugby but due to health reasons he had to stop before he was 30. He was still a member and supporter of his club though and many people his age still play[ed]. Then, my Dad had children... clearly, and my two brothers started playing rugby. Now they both play for the rugby team that my Dad used to play for and we still go to watch sometimes. Just like my Dad, all the other players his age had kids too who are all similar ages to me and my brothers and some of those lads are playing at the same rugby club as their fathers. But now, soem of those guys and girls have started having children too! So there are 3 generations at the rugby club, sometimes with 2 of them still playing rugby and positive that the yougest generation of boys will be playing at the club in 15 years time!
I found it nice how my Dad was there with some of his old mates, and I was there with friends of my brothers and mine, with some of their kids running around and having fun. It made me smile, the family oriented life and the joy the children bought just gave happiness to us all.

A lad who is my age (who wasn't playing because he was injured) was surrounded by a group of little boys who were trying to play with him and ended up trying to torture him. I found it highly amusing but it was cute, and it was exactly what we used to do when we were young.

When they weren't 'bullying' him, they were running around play fighting, playing with the equipment and toys they has brought with him.The best thing about it was that these little boys didn't even know each other. One boy literally went up to another and said, "what's your name?". The other little boy replied and he said, "I'm *his name*, can we be friends?" The other boy nodded and immediately started running away laughing in order to get the first boy (who had a toy gun) to chase him so they could start playing. It was adorable.
I just loved how easy it was for the children to make friends. They had no issues, they didn't care who or what the other children were or whether they had any differences. All they wanted was to be friends and to have a good time.
You always here people saying "those were the days" and "oh to be young again". Young and careless, young and free. But it's so true! Sometimes I wish I was little again. When I was little, my best friends were all of my cousins, we were just one big group and other kids used to come to us because we were the core of any activities and groups. We had the time of our lives and didn't have to worry about anything at all.
I occasionally used to think about how excited I was about life, I looked forward to the future, I knew my life was and is going to be amazing. The future was such an exciting prospect. But I also knew and thought most of the time, even when I thought how exciting the future would be, that I loved my life, and I always wanted it to be this simple and easy and fun. I never wanted to grow up.
I guess I'm growing up now though. But I know that I still have a child inside me. My toy Tiggers and dog that sleep in my bed show that. I know that I still want to "play", and I still get the giggles and get distracted when I'm not focused and my mind flies from one topic to another, even when someone is trying to get me to concentrate on them.
My father is still a child at heart, along with some of those big, old rugby players that are still playing rugby. They still have time to be Cowboys or Indians and get shot by a toy gun by their grandchildren. They still have time to laugh uncontrollably at something daft that they or their child or grandchild did. They still have time to feel and be young. There is always still time to have fun.
I wish for you to still feel young, and for the child within you to still come out to play sometimes, whether you're 9 or 90. There is still always time.
x

Distraction & my boring holidays.

I'm distracted again. I never seem to work as efficiently at home as I do at university. Well for coursework and stuff anyway, I guess revising is easier here. I've had 3 days of long, hard work. I've finished making notes on one module and I'm a third through another. But I have a coursework floating over head making me panic. But not panic so much that I can get my head into 100% focus mode. 


I'm distracted. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I've been concentrating hard for a very long time. Maybe they're right; you should have breaks every now and again. I think I'd be okay if I could just have a chat now and again with you, and that would be my break. I know I've never talked to you through here before, but me writing down my distractions usually helps and I'm hoping that it might pull through for me once again. 


 Lots has been happening lately. Weddings, birthdays, funerals, you name it. It's the Easter holidays. This week, my days have consisted of getting up around 10 or 11, either showering, going somewhere for half an hour with my Mom or faffing about for a while, and then around 12 or 1 I start with the revision. Revision from 1 until 11 at night, which a distraction around 5pm when my Dad comes homes from work. I watch the Big Bang Theory from 12 - 1 every night and then go to bed. And then exactly the same thing happens the next day and the next day. It's not very amusing but I guess it's just what has to be done. 


 My parents keep mentioning that I have to play some golf before I go back. Considering I'm going back in less than two weeks and this week the weather is meant to be terrible - and I feel bad if I spend more than two hours and I haven't done any work in that time - I can't see it happening. But I know that won't make them happy. I should probably enjoy it more than I do. Not that I don't like it. It just isn't a priority in my life.  


Grandad is 80 today. Chris said "he's been 65 for 10 years!" It made me laugh. You'd never tell. Well, it's starting to show now; well, ever since last year, after what happened... Kate said that you expect them to be around forever even though you should know they won't be. It was a bit depressing really, not something that I'd like to be talking about - not just when there isn't someone else around anyway. Anyway, Grandad seemed happy enough. We're having a get together thing on Friday for it, because it's the bank holiday. 


Although I can think of lots of things I'd like to tell you, I think they can wait for now - I better do some more work now.


I miss you. Hope you're having a good time - wherever you are. 
x

Not knowing.

It's weird. I never used to get moody. I used to go quiet if I was upset, but I'd always have a reason for being upset in the first place so it was normal. But now, now I seem to react to the slightest of things; a comment, seeing something I didn't want to, even just a bad or upsetting thought. Anything can set me off.

Then, I spend hours silent and thinking to myself about all the reasons I could be upset. I never find an answer.

There are always things like boys, sex, stress about work, unhappiness about something to do with myself, trouble with other people.
Sometimes, I think, deep down, I know what it is. I'm just too scared to admit it to myself because it would just turn my world upside down. And sometimes I think that me even thinking that that could be causing this sort of feeling is silly, because I'm happy in that area.

I did an experiment for my friend who's doing a study about the relationship because happiness and the way you view yourself, and on one sheet you had to fill in how anxious, worried, scared and unhappy you get (if you get), and the other you had to rate yourself on your looks, personality and social skills. Well, mine followed her hypothesis perfectly, with anxiousness and being worried, and being realistic with my judgement of myself. It's a bit worrying that she's using that theory with signs of depression. Maybe her theory is wrong... Many people seemed to prove it wrong. OR maybe it was a problem with the actual test.

I show people a lot of affection (when I feel it towards them). It's just the way I am, I like showing people how much they mean to me - I want people to know because it's a nice thing to know.
I don't like the feeling you get when you don't receive affection and when you feel underappreciated. Its all too familiar.

It all started about six months ago. I had a conversation with my friend in December about it and she said that when she went on the pill, she started going crazy and having massive mood swings.
Maybe that's the reason. Maybe I should change my pill. I'm scared to in case that's not the reason.

It seems to be all go this week.It seems that I will have to really hope for the best but maybe plan for the worst. Brings on the tests...

My Dad says sometimes, to figure out why you're down, you have to really know yourself well. He told me that he was 50 and he'd only just figured some of the things about himself out that he need to know, to know why he feel the way he did occasionally. I hope I don't have to wait until I'm 50.

x

Not Knowing About What To Do In Life.

Lots of people live their life, especially their teenagers years, unsure of what they want to do or be "when they grow up". I'm definitely one of those people. I have no idea what to do with my life. I want to do everything. I want to travel and see the world. But for now, I'm to get my degree and get as job after that, and hope I can find one that I like.

I've never decided on what I've truly wanted to do. I've flitted between the idea of being a teacher, a vet, a lecturer, (it seems I'm really adventurous with my choice of jobs...) and my latest thought is a speech and language therapist. I really have no idea though.

Baz Lurhman wrote in his song "Suncreen", "Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't."

I hope I'm that type of person. Actually, I just I wish I could be.

There's only one thing in my life that I can say I would love to do, that I've always wished I could do, something that I love so much that makes me so happy, but it's just so unpractical and unrealistic and it could never truly happen.

Is there something you really wish you were amazing at? Something you could really succeed, to have an incredible talent?

At the moment, all I want to do is listen, watch and perform in musical theatre. The problem is, I can't sing. Well, I can sing, and I'm okay. But I'm just okay. And being "okay" didn't get anybody anywhere. I know for a fact that I appreciate the music, talent and wonders and musical theatre more thean the majority of people. When someone shcoks you with an amazing voice, or some incredible acting, seeing something spectacular? It stays with me, and my appreciation towards it is overwhelming.

My boyfriend is taking me to London so see a show I want to watch for Christmas. He knows I'm really excited, but I don't think he understands just how much I appreciate it and love him for it.

Apparently everyone is good at something. Everyone has something that is "theirs". Their thing that makes them unique and who they are.

Well, unless my is being wonderfully average at everything, I haven't found mine yet...

For now, I guess I just have to finish my degree and decide on a temporary career, until I have an epiphany about my life.
I hope it comes.

x

2011 -- The Summary.

Going back to university, wondering what was to come.

Having "fun".

Insomnia.

A secret never to be revealed - to anyone.

Dreaded news, but finding out from the wrong person.
A comfort and a change.

Our trooper, and an amazing recovery. :)

A date, and an even bigger change.

Lots of time.

A question.
- Nerves.
- A definite answer.
- A coincidental morning.
- A *moment* & so much happiness.

My best friend gets married. :)

Meeting the family.

An amazing term, & falling in love.

Exams... Here we go again.

The operation, and the amazing results.

Weddings & engagements galore.

2 weeks here, 2 weeks there.

The staggered walk home, and those three words...
Back to university again.

Getting a job!
- Boredom.
- Experience.
- A good CV.

Getting back into the musicals

A very unsatisfying dry spell.

Bad attendance?

Insomnia for him.

Coursework mad.

Interview.

First show in a while. Not as good as I'm used to.

Christmas time.
- "pratical".
- A very nice Christmas.
- Best Christmas present ever. :)

A wicked night out with some great friends.
- Doing something I shouldn't.
- Jagerbombs & Skittlebombs!
- Hanging so badly the next day!

New Year's Eve.
- Not being at home for the first time.
- A kiss. - A wicked night and few days.
- Lots of love.

I said 2011 was going to be my year. It was. It was an amazing year.
2012 is going to be even better.

I love my life.
Happy New Year. I hope 2012 Brings you all the love and happiness. :)