A "Heartfelt" Letter... From A Long, Long Time Ago.

I wrote this blog a couple of years ago, but I never posted it. For obvious reasons, I guess. I wanted to get this off my chest, and I did tell him. It was by text the day before I left. He knew. And he said it was awfully bad timing. Maybe I should have told him all that time ago when we were walking home and he were trying to find out what was wrong.

Things have worked out though. We're both happy. And in love. I guess people are right when they saying "things can only get better."

I know you're probably never going to read this. Maybe that's why I'm not too worried about posting it. But you do make me happy. Just as much now as ever.

"Someone who's opinion I value very highly said she thinks I should write a "heartfelt" letter to him. It'll explain how I feel and why I'm telling him now, just a few days before I leave.


Well... Here goes...


*You*,


I know a letter is a bit impersonal but we both know that confrontation isn't my thing - the last time I tried it face to face with you, I told you one of the few things that I was planning to, and after that one I couldn't bring myself to tell you the rest.


Remember when we walked home that one time and you kept asking me what was wrong? I didn't tell you, I didn't feel I could. I got really upset when you left because I thought I'd upset you. Whether you'll admit it or not, you'll looked really hurt and it broke my heart. I was really scared that you would think I didn't care for you enough or trust you enough to tell you which definitely wasn't the case. You said that you appreciated I was being a friend and looking out for you. I couldn't finish what I wanted to tell you because I didn't want you to think that there was any alterior motive than being a friend.


The whole point of this letter is to tell you how I feel about you. I know you probably already know - I know you knew five months ago when we were walking home but you were adament that you didn't and I should tell you but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. How are you supposed to say this kind of thing? "I like you a lot - yeah, like that", "you mean the world to me", "I care about you so much in a different way that I care about everyone else".
Or... "I love you."


I don't know whether bringing this up now is a good idea, just a few days before I leave. It might make things more complicated and confusing but the potential benefits of telling you outweight the downfalls so I thought I might aswell bite the bullet now instead of waiting and maybe wishing I had if I didn't. If I don't tell you now, after a few weeks of not seeing you I'll convince myself I'm moving on, it'll be fine and I can deal with it. I know that when I come back home and I see you, I'll be back to square one and be wondering whether or not telling you will help. I don't want that feeling every time I come home: being nervous because I'm thinking of telling you, never knowing where I stand, always wondering what to do.
I love you and your company and it'd be nice if I could just enjoy it without having thoughts spinning around my mind, worrying about what to say to you or what you think.


That night we walked home, you said that I'm more likely to regret something that I didn't do over something that I did do because if I did, at least I know I tried. I won't ever have to wonder "what if".
Well here I am, taking your advice, because "you're always right". But don't count on me ever saying that again.


You've made my life better just by being in it, and you'll never know how much I appreciate everything you've ever done or said to me. You've helped me in ways you'd never imagine. Thank you.



I care about you a lot, and I imagine I always will. You make me happy. I'll never underappreciate anyone who has the ability to make my happy just by being alive.
x"

We Are Young.

I've recently found a song called "We Are Young" by Fun. Admittedly, I found it because I was looking through Glee songs and I fell in love with that version of it. I'm a bit gay for Glee though, as I LOVE musical theatre and show choirs. But anyway, that really had nothing to do with what I'm planning on writing about; it just has "young" in the title and that's the only reason it can be classed as slightly appropriate!

A few weeks ago I went to a rugby match with my Dad. To set the scene of this rugby match, you have to understand that my Dad once played rugby but due to health reasons he had to stop before he was 30. He was still a member and supporter of his club though and many people his age still play[ed]. Then, my Dad had children... clearly, and my two brothers started playing rugby. Now they both play for the rugby team that my Dad used to play for and we still go to watch sometimes. Just like my Dad, all the other players his age had kids too who are all similar ages to me and my brothers and some of those lads are playing at the same rugby club as their fathers. But now, soem of those guys and girls have started having children too! So there are 3 generations at the rugby club, sometimes with 2 of them still playing rugby and positive that the yougest generation of boys will be playing at the club in 15 years time!
I found it nice how my Dad was there with some of his old mates, and I was there with friends of my brothers and mine, with some of their kids running around and having fun. It made me smile, the family oriented life and the joy the children bought just gave happiness to us all.

A lad who is my age (who wasn't playing because he was injured) was surrounded by a group of little boys who were trying to play with him and ended up trying to torture him. I found it highly amusing but it was cute, and it was exactly what we used to do when we were young.

When they weren't 'bullying' him, they were running around play fighting, playing with the equipment and toys they has brought with him.The best thing about it was that these little boys didn't even know each other. One boy literally went up to another and said, "what's your name?". The other little boy replied and he said, "I'm *his name*, can we be friends?" The other boy nodded and immediately started running away laughing in order to get the first boy (who had a toy gun) to chase him so they could start playing. It was adorable.
I just loved how easy it was for the children to make friends. They had no issues, they didn't care who or what the other children were or whether they had any differences. All they wanted was to be friends and to have a good time.
You always here people saying "those were the days" and "oh to be young again". Young and careless, young and free. But it's so true! Sometimes I wish I was little again. When I was little, my best friends were all of my cousins, we were just one big group and other kids used to come to us because we were the core of any activities and groups. We had the time of our lives and didn't have to worry about anything at all.
I occasionally used to think about how excited I was about life, I looked forward to the future, I knew my life was and is going to be amazing. The future was such an exciting prospect. But I also knew and thought most of the time, even when I thought how exciting the future would be, that I loved my life, and I always wanted it to be this simple and easy and fun. I never wanted to grow up.
I guess I'm growing up now though. But I know that I still have a child inside me. My toy Tiggers and dog that sleep in my bed show that. I know that I still want to "play", and I still get the giggles and get distracted when I'm not focused and my mind flies from one topic to another, even when someone is trying to get me to concentrate on them.
My father is still a child at heart, along with some of those big, old rugby players that are still playing rugby. They still have time to be Cowboys or Indians and get shot by a toy gun by their grandchildren. They still have time to laugh uncontrollably at something daft that they or their child or grandchild did. They still have time to feel and be young. There is always still time to have fun.
I wish for you to still feel young, and for the child within you to still come out to play sometimes, whether you're 9 or 90. There is still always time.
x

Distraction & my boring holidays.

I'm distracted again. I never seem to work as efficiently at home as I do at university. Well for coursework and stuff anyway, I guess revising is easier here. I've had 3 days of long, hard work. I've finished making notes on one module and I'm a third through another. But I have a coursework floating over head making me panic. But not panic so much that I can get my head into 100% focus mode. 


I'm distracted. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I've been concentrating hard for a very long time. Maybe they're right; you should have breaks every now and again. I think I'd be okay if I could just have a chat now and again with you, and that would be my break. I know I've never talked to you through here before, but me writing down my distractions usually helps and I'm hoping that it might pull through for me once again. 


 Lots has been happening lately. Weddings, birthdays, funerals, you name it. It's the Easter holidays. This week, my days have consisted of getting up around 10 or 11, either showering, going somewhere for half an hour with my Mom or faffing about for a while, and then around 12 or 1 I start with the revision. Revision from 1 until 11 at night, which a distraction around 5pm when my Dad comes homes from work. I watch the Big Bang Theory from 12 - 1 every night and then go to bed. And then exactly the same thing happens the next day and the next day. It's not very amusing but I guess it's just what has to be done. 


 My parents keep mentioning that I have to play some golf before I go back. Considering I'm going back in less than two weeks and this week the weather is meant to be terrible - and I feel bad if I spend more than two hours and I haven't done any work in that time - I can't see it happening. But I know that won't make them happy. I should probably enjoy it more than I do. Not that I don't like it. It just isn't a priority in my life.  


Grandad is 80 today. Chris said "he's been 65 for 10 years!" It made me laugh. You'd never tell. Well, it's starting to show now; well, ever since last year, after what happened... Kate said that you expect them to be around forever even though you should know they won't be. It was a bit depressing really, not something that I'd like to be talking about - not just when there isn't someone else around anyway. Anyway, Grandad seemed happy enough. We're having a get together thing on Friday for it, because it's the bank holiday. 


Although I can think of lots of things I'd like to tell you, I think they can wait for now - I better do some more work now.


I miss you. Hope you're having a good time - wherever you are. 
x