Happy New Year.

You know in the films when the main character has a blog and it's really popular, loads of people keep an eye on it an listen to their story? How amazing would that be?
I know everyone who has a blog, who writes religiously and keeps their blog up to date would love that. But it would be nice, wouldn't it?

Today is my little big brother's birthday. (I have two big brother's, it's the younger of the two's birthday today.) He's 22 years old. He had some friends round to play rock band, for whom I had to sing to get them more points. Then we went to our local pub to have a few drinks with my other brother, some of my brother's friends and some of our cousins. It was a fairly good night, had some good conversations mainly about music, and I laughed quite a lot.

Well that was when I started writing this blog, about 5 minutes ago. Now it's not my brother's birthday anymore. Now it's New Year's Eve. Wow.

This year has gone so quickly. So much has changed. And yet I can't remember this time last year, it seems such a long time ago. Weird that is, how time can seem to go fast, and seem to go slow even though it's actually going the same pace.
Tomorrow night, New Years Eve, to bring in the New Year of 2010 in we're going to my aunt's and uncle's house and having a bit of a party. It should be good, it's always fairly interesting. But each year it becomes more out of place, each year something else doesn't fit, something is missing.

Maybe this year it won't be missing.
I just know it will though...
But I can still hope, right? And tomorrow I'll find out.
Each year I hope something will change, something will get better. This year a lot has changed. More has changed than ever before. But will New Year's Eve? I doubt it.
Maybe next year.

In the words of McFly: "Memory lane, we're here again, back to the days, and I'll remember you always. So much has changed."


Have a happy new year, if I don't speak to you before.

x

8th Post.

This is my 8th blog this month to be posted. That means I've been thinking a lot. That means you can tell it's not been a great month for me.

Today I've been waiting. Waiting for people to reply to me, or to get in touch with me.
Two different people have text me today, two very good friends of mine. Both asking me questions. And now, after replying to them I'm waiting for their replies back to me. Now, I wouldn't mind, but it's kind of important I know what they mean and what their answers are because it effects me and my plans for the next few days. Why would you text someone and then just not reply to them when you're the one that started the conversation? I don't understand. Because I would never do that unless I had a perfectly good reason.

Maybe they've got good reasons. Maybe the battery in their phones have gone, or they just dropped it and it's broken. Or someone's called them - for more than 5 hours - and they can't text as they're on the phone. Or maybe they are someonwhere that they can't use their phone, or they're so busy that the can't find 1 single minute to text me back.
Or maybe they just couldn't be bothered, they just didn't want to.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know whether even to talk to them at all. If they were worth it, surely they'd talk to me. But maybe I'm the lucky one in all this, lucky they even talk to me at all. Maybe I'm the one that should be making all the effort because they're cooler, more popular, funnier, more intelligent, more talented, better.
And the worse thing is I couldn't say that to a soul because they'd contradict me and say I was wrong. Whoever they were, they'd all say the same. Whether it's true or not.

Some people change so much. Some people don't change at all. Right now, I can't figure out which one is worse. Not changing and learning from your mistakes, or changing so much that you become a completely different person, someone some of your friends don't recognise.

I give up. Let's just wait and see, eh?
My life is just too confusing.




Bring on 2010.
x

Horoscopes and Advice.

Your Single's Daily Horoscope for Pisces for Monday 28th December :
You thought that you and this person were on the same channel, but now you're hearing nothing but static. Relax -- this state is just temporary. Trying to force things won't help. Just be patient and wait it out.

I read this at 3 minutes to 12 on the 27th December. I get emails everyday telling me my horoscope for the next day. A lot of the time they're scarily appropriate. Today is one of those days. Because at 3 minutes to 12, as I read this email, I happened to be writing a text message that was asking many questions to the boy who hasn't been talking to me. It started off like this. "Have I done something so bad that you can't talk to me now?" That was as far as I'd got.

I just deleted the message. You know when you ask someone's advice, and they tell you the truth, what you should do, but it's exactly what you already knew you just didn't want to believe it? One of my best friends, a lad I've mentioned many a time before, said "no, don't text him, wait and let him come to you" and when I replied saying that we'd never talk again because he woun't talk to me, he replied with "he will, I promise." I trust this boy's advice quite a lot, and I already knew that I shouldn't get in touch with him but I needed someone else to say it. Has that ever happened to you? It happens to me all the time. I know the answer, I just don't want to believe it.

"Be patient and wait it out." Easier said than done, as always. Why is it that you always want to just talk and speak to or text or call or email or anything that person, even when you know you shouldn't? But, as I've been told by an impersonal email, one of my best friends and by myself, I know what I have to do.

Why are things always so difficult? Why can't, for one, a relationship I have with someone be simple, innocent and straight forward? Why can't we both want the same thing, both like each other the same amount and both understand each other the way that we mean what we say and how we react? Nothing is ever simple. That is definitely one thing that I've learned.

I get these horoscopes every day and I love that on the occasion that I do read them, they seem to be appropriate to my life and my romantic situation. That's probably just coincidence, but the advice they give me seems a good idea so I tend to follow it as it's what I already know. Don't you love it when horoscopes are true? Good or bad, coincidence or not, it's comforting to know that when they say something bad has happened, or is happening - they knew about the bad so the comforting positive comment about how it will get better, be easier soon, that much be true aswell, mustn't it?

I've been writing this blog for about an hour and a half. I don't know what else to say. Other than there is just one thing left to do.
Wait.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow everything will be alright.
Does tomorrow ever come? It will one day. It will come one day. He promised.

x

Merry Christmas.

I'm still in awe 2 hours later.
As if my parents bought me a £200 leather jacket that I'd jokingly mentioned that I liked.
I thought my mom and I were going to go shopping in the sale to get one. But no, my wonderful parents bought it for me for Christmas. It was the biggest and best surprise I've ever had. And I can't explain how much I love my parents.

Apart from a leather jacket, they've bought me a lovely, amazing, little compact camera to go with my SLR for when I can't take my big one along on my travels. I'm amazed. And a huge, huge photo frame that had different sized frames within in it that can fit about 40 photos in it. It's wonderful. I can't believe it.

And they were just my main presents of my parents. You can imagine how thankful I am of my family and friends for all the gifts I've received. I'm easily pleased anyway so this is just crazy.


But anyway. On to the important stuff.
Happy Birthday Jesus! I know people say it's not his birthday today, but I'm going to always pretend it is because that's what we were originally told, and although I'm not the most religious of people, we owe this amazing holiday to somebody and I'm going to thank him.

This morning at breakfast, I was to say Grace. I said it traditionally, as we always say Grace at meals on Christmas day - even if it is is the only day in the year that we do say it. But it made me think that it's in the present tense. What about being thankful for what we have already received? I didn't say Grace before I opened my Christmas presents. I know I should be thanking the people who bought them for me. But if God is the creator then surely it is him that influenced everything and that's the reason we recieve what we do. I don't know, seems pretty deep to me. This is all believing that God exists. That's a big question in itself. But I'm not going to go into that now.
Because we should all be thankful, God or no God, spirit or no spirit, whatever might or might not be out there, for what we have, what we receive.


Another thing that happened today, I'm not sure whether I should have or not, was text the boy who hasn't got back to me since we fell out the other day. I haven't had a reply today. But Christmas is about showing and sharing love, affection and happiness, isn't it? Whether I get a reply or not, I know I've tried, I know I've been the bigger person, and I know that I've followed what I know, what I've been taught, I've followed Christmas spirit.
I can't help hoping he'll reply, even though I know he won't.
But I shouldn't dwell on that, not today, because it's Christmas Day. On Christmas Day we don't dwell on the bad things, we think of the good, happy things. The wonderful people we know. And we are thankful for what we have already.


"For what we receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful."

Merry Christmas. I hope get everything you wish for. Have a wonderful day.

x

Surprise.

Suprise surprise.
It's not different. Or should I say he's not different?

I give up. I don't know what to do. why are the male sex just so complicated?!

He's ill, right, but he didn't have the decency to tell me so that I knew we weren't going ahead with the plans we'd made. And he blames me for waking him up because he's ill when I asked how he was feeling so I knew if we were going out or not! Ahh! What's with that?

I thought he was different. In fact, he is. He's so different to any other guy. He's so different to any other, so unique, and yet he ended up treating me the same, maybe worse, than the rest. I want to turn into a girl that doesn't put her heart into anything until she knows that the other person's in completely in it and that she can trust them. But that takes so long as they've got to become a part of your life just to get to that stage.

I'm trying so hard. So hard to do as one said, to become kind of emotionless towards it and people that might not stick around, for my own benefit so that I don't get hurt. I'm trying. But everytime I get close, something else comes and kicks everything I'd fought for out of my grasp, I get hurt and then have to start all over again.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know whether to say anything at all. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how you feel.

And worse of all, I don't know who to ask. The one person who I know would have the answer isn't available. I don't feel like I can talk to them because they've got someone now, they're not in my position and I'm not confident enough to just text and ask in case they don't want to talk to me. Or their partner doesn't want them to talk to me.


Is that about me? It can't be. It can't. So who is it about? Why would you lie to me? I'd hate for you to know how I feel about you, how uncertain I am and that I am thinking or wondering about you.

Why do girls waste their precious time on such idiots?

I've always vowed never to be one of them. So here I am. And here you are. And now it's time to say goodbye...

You're Making My Head Spin...

My last post was more of a story so I'm going to try and get back on track to my confusing, thought provoking ways.
There's one topic I touched on in my last post, a tpoic that I haven't talked about properly in a while that I feel the need to get off my chest again.

The boy.

This time, it's a different boy (again). Well actually, it's another boy on top. But I'll stick with being vague and not explain anymore than that.

Why is it that a boy can be talking and texting you none stop, seeming really interested in you and really wants to go out with you sometime, and then one day he'll just suddenly change his mind and decide, actually, no, I don't want to talk, text or see you anymore?

All girls do is try to impress the boy they like so that he likes her back, and if, by some lucky one off chance he does like her back, all she does is try to keep him happy, say things she thinks he'll like, never tell him what she really thinks or feels, just to keep him happy. But it always backfires in the end.
I know they say you should be yourself when you're meeting new people so that they know the real you and not some fake person that you're pretending to be, but what if you can't be yourself until you've got to know the person and learnt that it's okay to be yourself because they're not going to treat you badly?

Right now, my head is spinning. I'm supposedly going on a date tomorrow, he was hot at the beginning of this week and now he's gone cold. Perfect. Just in time. We might not be going now. Which is really kind of annoying, because I really prepared myself for it and I do want to go. I was just praying that it was going to go well and I'd be good enough. But guess not.
Now I'm waiting for one single text. A text to tell me how he's feeling and whether we're going to go or not.
If I don't get the text, I hope I'll be strong enough to stop myself from ever speaking to him again.
He probably wouldn't notice.


And then someone else, a friend who granted I've talked about before and had feelings for before but now it's platonic (although we are really, really good friends and he's got much hotter lately - not that that's important!) threw another spanner in the works. He was talking to me about taking lots of girls out and then he decided to say he and I should go out sometime. I didn't know what he meant. Does that mean he wants to go on a date? Or is it just as friends so he can see how well he gets on with the other girls compared to me because we get on quite well?


Do guys go out of their way to confuse us? Do they do it on purpose? Or are they completely oblivious to the fact that they're making our heads spin, with millions of questions running back and forth, trying to figure out what it means?



It's a long time since I've talked about being "happy in love".
I'm so happy that the majority of my best friends are happy in love - and that I like every single one of the guys (that's a big thing for me).

If I get a text tomorrow, everything goes to plan and well then I'll be happier in love.
Let's see what happens.



Please let this one be different.

x

Concert Night.

Every year at school, we do a concert consisting of musical acts every Christmas and Summer. This Christmas concert also had some acting and dancing in it to, it was potentiall a good concert.
We've had so much hassle getting things how we wanted though, we did a duet and an emsemble but we had to fight to getthe numbers we wanted to do in because the teacher organising it seemed like she really didn't like us. But we got them both in, eventually, and we were really looking forward to the perfomances because they sounded really nice.

We rehersed all day, and then night finally came. My parents didn't come home until late, and neither understood how they had made me feel from the things that they did or said. Not that I would have told them. Well, my mood wasn't as appropriate as it could have been for the concert when we got there.

The first number went alright. We sounded okay, although my best friend's mic wasn't on till the last chorus, we went out of synch for a second from a wrong chord from the piano. It was fine though, we both covered it and got back on track and it turned out okay.
The secong song, on the other hand... They messed or the order so one of us was dancing and then singing straight after, but we managed to get her changed and on in time, although she was finding it difficult to breathe and had to sing first, making her solo within the songer weaker than it normally would. We were sitting on the stage, behind the speakers andquite far away from the piano - I couldn't hear a lot, apart from the other girls around me singing. It was the worst perfomance of the song - or in general - that we've ever done. I can't believe how badly my singing was, I can't say I've ever really gone out of tune before, but for this song I went out of tune big time. It was terrible, and I feel so bad for letting the team down.

After many other catastrophes of the night, it finally ended and I got to see some of my best friends who can come to watch, one of which surprised us and I was over the moon to see. A big hug of both of them made me feel much better, but then I'd get home, realise how much I missed the best friend who had surprised us because I don't get to see her that much anyway, and get upset about it.

To top off my parents, the performance and missing one of my best friends, the boy hadn't text me back. In fact... I'm still waiting for a reply now.

I started writing this last night (the night of the concert - the 15th, the day the blog is dated) but I went to bed and finished it today (the 16th, the day after), so I've calmed down a bit and my mood has slightly improved. But only slightly.


All in all, it wasn't a great night. It was our last ever concert for the school as we'll all be leaving before the next one, and it was a complete failure.

But as we say the Oasis classic, I remember thinking that it was completely true. Follow their advice. We've had plenty of amazing concerts when all of my best friends had been performing with us and we got to see each other ever day, when it had good really well and when everyone had been supportive - and on time.

Think of the good times.




Don't look back in anger, I heard you say.

At least not today.


x

Christmas.

It's that time of year so, naturally, I'm going to write a blog about it.

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine.
What's the whole idea with mistletoe? I'm 17 years old. Surely that tradition is aimed at people between 15 and 35. People like me. Single people who will get the chance to kiss the one they like (hopefully) or maybe just a stranger, someone they've just met. Maybe it's an old friend, a best friend. Or maybe a tradition for a person to give their partner a Christmas kiss. Maybe even a kiss between family members to show that they care.
Either way, we're never had mistletoe in my house. I don't know why. It's a tradition that has never been followed for us, maybe it's one that has never been needed because my parents don't need that excuse to show affection to each other as it's obvious how much they love each other and us.

Maybe this year will be different. Maybe somewhere I go, I'll see some mistletoe and kiss someone. Guaranteed it won't be the person that I want it to be.

It's a time for love, peace, unity, friends, family. A time to be happy, forget about your problems and have a good time.

For many people, Christmas - because of the connatations of happiness and love that it has - is a reminder of how unhappy or of how lonely they are. They have no-one to spend the extra time and holidays with, no-one to exchange gifts, or maybe just hugs, kises, maybe not even someone to share a simple smile with.


I love Christmas. I get that from my father. He starts getting excited about Christmas sooner than everyone else. He's a naturall happy, laid back person as it is, but at Christmas he's even happier. Singing songs, drinking socially, passing gifts, making everyone laugh and ensuring that everyone has a wonderful holiday.
Christmas starts for us properly once we've broken up from school and work, but we have traditions that start on the 24th and carry through on the 25th and 26th December. I love those 3 days. They're probably my favourite 3 days in the whole year.
Last year Christmas was slightly different for us, we didn't see as many people as we normally do and things were as fast paced and crazy but exciting as they usually are. Hopefully this year will make up for that.

Maybe it's true - maybe it is just because we're getting older. But I refuse to believe it. I still wake up really early on the 25th December, despite my age and wake everyone up, preparing them for the days ahead.
But this year I am determined to have a great holiday again, although I feel something missing. There is a hole inside of me that I haven't ever really felt before. I have an idea for what it might be but that story is for a different blog on a different day - if I ever feel brave enough to write it.
This hole I hope to be filled, maybe with the help of mistletoe, but maybe with help of the free time that we'll all have so I can see certain people more.




I hope to be able to post a blog on Christmas Day if I can - so I'll be able to wish you a proper Happy Christmas then. But for now :

Merry Christmas. May mistletoe bring you the kiss you that want.
x

"Everything is worse at night".

"Everything is worse at night."
A phrase I use all of the time when someone is down and upset when it's dark.

Don't you agree though? Problems seem so much worse and more difficult to handle at night. Have you ever noticed that if you're upset or you feel as if you're going to cry - or you do cry - that it's generally night time?
I don't cry often at all, but if I do then it's usually in bed before I'm going to go to sleep when it's late, dark and I'm on my own so nobody knows that I've been crying.

It's called 'pathetic fallacy' : when the weather is a reflection of what mood you are in. For example, if it is raining then you're sad. When it is sunny then you're happy, when it's misty you're confused and when it's thundering and cloudy you're angry.
I don't know whether that's the case for you, but generally, people are in a better mood when it's sunny and a little more more sad when it's raining.

It's true for me though. At night, things are usually harder and I find I'm more upset about a problem I've had all day when it's night time and dark. On Saturday, I found out something potentially very upsetting for me, and it only dawned on me on Sunday night what it actually meant. Then I stayed up till 2am texting someone who, without knowing it, was the one person that could help me, the one person I wanted to talk to. And although I got upset on the Sunday night, I woke up Monday and things seemed slightly better - it was light and sunny outside and even though it was bitterly cold I felt better in myself. Maybe it was because of what the person I was talking to had said to me, and they certainly did help me a lot, I was able to deal with everything that had happened. But I stand by the idea that it was definitely to do with the fact that it had been night time too. I know I would probably have been upset about it in the day aswelll, but I might have acted and spoken differently to people had it have been daytime.

It took me nearly two whole days for the news to hit me, for it to sink it and make a difference in the way I felt, acted and my hopes for the future. Isn't it strange that it takes such a long time for us to be able to process and acknowledge the news and the effects it is going to have on us?

Walking in the rain, getting soaked through and not caring what you look like is such a good way to release hurt or upset. When I think of walking in the rain, it reminds me of my best friend because we both love doing it, especially when we're a bit down. Maybe you should try it sometime. I hope you don't have to do it because you're down, but if you ever are then try and see if it makes you feel better. It works for me even if it's such a tiny little bit better.



Next time you're down, look outside. See the wonders of the sky - the sun, the moon, the stars, the clouds, the colours - whatever time of day it is.

And if it is night time, remember... Things will be better in the morning.
Honestly.


x