Between Sleep And Awake.

Today, my friend text me asking whether I was going to tell the boy. Another friend text me when she was out saying how she wished her "girls" were out with her too and they made me smile for many different reasons, but mainly it made me realise how lucky I am to have such great friends. They are the people that keep me going. Random texts and comments from the most wonderful friends I can ask for make me happy and I'm going to miss seeing my friends so much when I go to university. My standards of friends are set so high that I don't know hot I could meet people at university that are half as great as the friends I have now.

Besides that, I just feel like writing. I'm sitting in bed, I just watched a film, it's half past twelve at night and I feel like writing. I don't even know what about. My dreams are coming true, my future is actually here, I am actually beginning to live my life and I love it, I can't wait. It just doesn't leave me much to write about.

Apart from one thing.
Earlier, my parents and I watched "Hook". It was on the television, it's a sequel to Peter Pan, great film. Anyway, towards the end when Tinkerbell is saying goodbye to Peter Pan she says, "you know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you." I wrote it down because I wanted to remember it because I really loved it. It reminded me of a certain someone and made me think maybe I don't have to get over him or forget him. Maybe he helped to make me who I am and we'll always be friends.

It also made me think about dreaming (as if I need something to trigger me to think about dreaming, it's all I do). That is an amazing feeling, don't you think? When you're half awake, half asleep and you remember what you were dreaming about so you carry on the dream but you can make it go where you want it to but it still feels like you're dreaming. I love that place, between sleep and awake.

I think I'm going to go to sleep now, hopefully I'll go to that place in the morning.



You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you.
x

I Got In!

So, I'm going to university! Can you believe it?
Granted, it's not where I wanted to go, but it's my second choice and the course looks amazing. I've yet to find out about my accomodation, the part I've been dreading, but things are looking up at the moment so hopefully that will go in my favour too.

After writing loads of lists, "to do" lists and lists of things I need to take, buy or sort out, I need to actually start preparing to go. It's less than a month till I move out, which is a scary thought. I know I've been going on about living my life and dreams and getting away from here ever since I started writing this blog, but now it's actually happening! I can't wait, although I'm quite worried about the financial aspect of it seeing as I've never really had to deal with. I know I'll learn quickly but I haven't got enough money to start with. Hopefully I'll be able to work it out though.
Apart from the finances, there is only one thing that I'm not looking forward to and it's the only thing (not including money) stopping me from taking off and never coming back. You got it. Family. And friends. The people I know and love here, I am going to miss unbelievable amounts. I know they're all going to learn to live without me, I realise that doesn't mean they're going to stop caring about me, but it still means I'm not going to be quite as important as when I lived here. Maybe I'm selfish and paranoid. Maybe I'll meet people at university who are in the same situation as me and we'll become great friends and it won't matter so much.


There is one thing I haven't written down on my list. Do I tell the boy how I feel before I leave? I don't know why, but since April it has been something I wanted to get off my chest and tell him. I know it won't go anywhere. Maybe the feelings will go when I tell him? Or should I not tell him, hope they go and all will become clear when I see him when I come home for Christmas. I'll have a few months to move on and when I see him next I'll know how I feel about it, whether this is just a phase, (a long one, granted, but still a phase).
I'll think about it. And maybe consult the girls.


This one is just a bit of an update really. I haven't written much this month because so much has been going on. Birthdays, holidays, my parents being off, schools grades and sorting out university.

I hope you're all happy. Right now, I am.
Things are looking positive.

Smile. x

A beautiful world of beautiful people... And other ramblings.

Seeing as I'm 18, this year was supposedly the last time I was to go away with my parents. My Mom needed a holiday and unfortunately my Dad couldn't come with us but he flew my Mom and me off to Tenerife for 8 days to get us away for a while to destress and relax.

On the way there, there was a little girl who must have only been about 4 or 5 sitting behind us. I don't like planes, they affect my head and ears more it seems more than anyone else, it's so painful and I dread flying even though I want to get to the destination we're heading to. Anyway, the little girl sitting behind me giggled everytime something that I would normally hate (like her ears going weird and painful or popping, or her tummy going, or anything else that flying may cause) and it made me smile, hearing her enjoying herself and hearing that cute little laugh. The flight wasn't so bad anymore because she made me smile. She doesn't even know me or know I exist but she made my day that day.

When I was away, I was willing my phone to go off. I had a few names in particular that I would have liked to have seen a message from but I really wanted it to go off so that I knew someone did care, and some did miss me. It took a few days but towards the end I had a few different people make me smile because they made my phone buzz.

I feel as though we were flown away from reality for a week and now we've just crash landed back home, one day away from the day that is going to change all of our lives as we know them forever. Results Day tomorrow.
I'm glad to be home, I missed my Dad, the boys, the dogs and my best friends.I wish we were still in Tenerife though, with the beautiful, beautiful people that surrounded us there. One in particular. Wow, he was the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on. It's a shame I won't get to see him again.

I've always wanted to spend my life travelling, going around to all sorts of different places, but this holiday made me think "will I fit in?" Whenever I go away, the people I see are always so beautiful, handsome, cute, pretty, lovely and charming to look at and it makes me think that I'll be the odd one out. Why are the majority of Spanish people gorgeous? Maybe it's the tan, maybe it's an illusion because I'm on holiday and when I'm on holiday everything is always 10 times more beautiful. But maybe they are just a prettier nation. Either way, everyone I saw in sunny Tenerife seemed to be beautiful. Maybe that's even more reason to want to go travelling. But it's made me think that now more than ever I just want to get away again. Anywhere. Just away. Preferably somewhere beautiful, warm and interesting when the people are gorgeous so I can people watch all day. But if not that just away somewhere I don't know that I can explore will do. Anywhere.

When I was away, I took a notepad that my friend got me with me and whenever I was alone (when my Mom was in the shower or I'd managed to slip away and go back to the hotel room for a bit without making her think I wanted to get away from her because that wasn't the point, I'd scribble any ideas down that I had to write a blog or just a small thing I wanted to record and tell so that I didn't forget. I had ideas for 3 or 4 blogs but I looking back, what was important a week ago doesn't seem so important now so I've left a few things out and squashed the other ideas into one blog, this one.


Now, I'm going to see my friends. I have some questiosns I need to ask about university, life and boys. My friends' opinions matter to me a lot and I know they're all truthful, genuine and sensible, they'll give the cons and pros and I know they'll be able to help me. So for now, as they would say in Tenerife, adios.

Summer 2010.

A few months ago before we'd finished school and the weather was beautiful, when we were all completely stressed by exams but all the best of friends and nothing could come between us or stop us, summer 2010 looked like it would be the best one yet.

A few months ago before we'd finished school and the weather was beautiful, we had planned to do so many things together. Drive to the seaside, go out every week to dance and sing our hearts out, lie in the sun talking and laughing, find a coffee shop or cafe that we could spend all of our time in. The idea was that this would e our last summer all together before we all went our seperate ways and although we would definitely keep in touch, this summer was going to be "the summer", the summer of all summers, the summer of our adolescence that we remembered above the rest because it was so amazing. We had 3 months to spend how we pleased.

I know it's only the beginning of August, but that means we already half way through our summer holidays. I think I've seen my best friends 3 times not inculding our weekly Wednesday week because that has and always will happen). And not all us together, just a few of us at a time.

Maybe it's me. Maybe everyone else has moved on with their life and I haven't. They nearly all have boyfriends now, and the ones that don't were previously really close and have each other. But this definitely how I imagined it.
Last year, summer 2009 was amazing, the best summer I've ever had. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was "the summer" and now is the time to move on and let everyone else start having summers with new friends and family, partners and the people who are going to play the main parts in the rest of their lives.

As long as we're all always friends - and I know we will be - that's all that matters.

Although yesterday my Dad booked a holiday for my Mom and me for 7 days and I have 2 nights out to look forward to before going on holiday, so things are starting to look up for August. August could potentially be a very good month.

And still, I can't wait to leave. Only 13 days until I found out my fate, until I find out the next step to the rest of my life. On one hand I simply cannot wait, I just want to go off and live my life, be the person I want to be. On the other hand, I'm dreading it, not because I'm scared or nervous to live the rest of my life - not at all - I'm terrified I'm not going to get in to the university and that would just stop my in my tracks to moving forward because I don't know what I'll do.


Me me me. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing, thinking.
The rest of the time I'm thinking "there must be something more."

Is there something more?
x