Which Path To Choose.

Is it such a crime that I don't know what I want to do with my life at 17? It's a bg world out there and there a lot of desicions to be made. Do they all need to be made when we're so young?
There are so many paths that we could take, how are we meant to know which one is right? Surely we have our whole life to travel down them all and see which one we want to venture down for a second time.

All my life, I've always wanted to try out so many things and I've never really been sure what I actually wanted to do with them. I've always been looking for "my thing". The thing that I love doing, I'm passionate about, and I'm good at. I always wanted to do Maths at uni because I was good at it, I found it fairly interesting and I didn't know anything else that I could do. That was until last year when I decided actually I wasn't so good at Maths as I and everyone thought after I got my AS grades. Then I decided I wanted to do English. I've been through phases of wanting to do things I really do love and that I am good at, but these things are so difficult to actually persue a career in that my parents and teachers persuade me not to, and I'm too scared to go for something I might not achieve that will leave me with very little and a lot of debt. These things are photography - which I love, I'm fairly good at and I'm very, very keen to learn, and musical theatre - but that's strictly an extra curricular, my escape and the hobby that I adore, the one that keeps me sane and helps me let go.

Now, I'm not sure I really want to do English, but it's a bit late now because I'm being pressured into getting my application for university completed within the next few weeks, which is really difficult because I'm trying to write a personal statement about what I want to do. But I don't even know what I want to do.

My brother is 25, and he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Why are people laying into us about it? My parents always ask him whether he's going to stay in the line of work he's in forever. He doesn't know. For the time being, he'll have to because he doesn't know what other options he has.

We're still young! We've got our whole lives ahead of us. Our whole lives to decide what we want to do, when and how. And who with. We might not even have met the people that we want to spend out lives with yet. Next year I'm going to be leaving this town to see the rest of the country and hopefully after that the rest of the world. And along the way I'm pretty sure I'm going to met a lot of new people. Amazing new people that I'll want to stay in touch with, and if that doesn't happen, people I know I'll remember for the rest of my life.

Is it so bad that we don't know what we want to do? Did you know what you wanted to do when you were 17 (if you're older than that)? And if you're not older than that then don't worry if you don't know at 17 - I know loads of people that were or are in the same boat as you.

If you decide what you want to do so young, and you plan your life around in, where are you going to fit in trying new things? How do you know that's what you're meant to do in life, how do you know there's not something else that you're amazing and and you love, but you just haven't tried it yet?

I'm sorry if you're disappointed in me for not knowing what I want to do, I'm sorry if there's things you expect of me that I haven't done, and I'm sorry if I don't achieve the things you want me to in life. But I need to find my own hopes, dreams an achievements, doing things my own way, learning from my own mistakes and being the person I am, the person that I want to be - not the one that you want me to be.


"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life... The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t." Baz Luhrman.


Everyone around me is turning 18 or older. Should be know at 18 what we want to do? Or is 18 too late?


You're got your whole life to try out everything you ever wanted. It's never too late. Never.

x

Ode To Bracken.

In 1999, when I was 7, my parents bought a puppy. A little tri (black white and brown) border collie who we called Bracken. My mom did agility and obedience with her until she was four years old, when she has a fit at the side of the canal because someone had illegally put some pesticide stuff down that she reacted badly to. After that, she wasn't allowed to do agility anymore because she had problems with her bone structure in her back. She had 2 more fits in the next few months and she calmed down, she became much more reserved, quiet and shy than she had once been. I started doing obedience with her, and in 2004, we got another tri border collie called Skye, who my Mom did agility with.

In December 2007, she had to have an operation that went well and they said she should be fine again for the next couple of years.
It was the 13th March 2008. Only 3 months after the operation. It was the day after a Maths exam that I had been completely stressing about, and the one single day that I just happened to be coming home late after school. When I came home, Skye was the only one in the house. No family and no Bracken. I knew something was wrong. When the car pulled up and my parents walked in. They shouted up to me to say hello and I could hear that my Mom had been crying. I came downstairs and the first thing I noticed was that Bracken wasn't with them. I knew. My Mom said she'd waited until my Maths exam had been over - waited until I was less stressed - she was trying to wait for me, she followed my Mom around for about 20 minutes and waited for me to come home. But she just couldn't wait any longer, and lay down. Mom took her to the vets but there was nothing she could do. I've never been so upset about anything in my life.

I wrote this about a month after she died, and I was thinking about her and looking through photos of her today and I thought I'd dedicate a blog on here to her, because she was such a wonderful, good natured girl.

Bracken.
I miss you...
We all do.
Skye's lost without you.
You were too young. My gorgeous puppy! ='(
I'm sorry for everything bad that happened to you. You didn't deserve it.
But it was a great 8 years, darlin', and I'll never forget a moment of it.

There's nobody to collapse onto me when I'm sitting on the floor...
There's nobody to lie under the table when I'm in the kitchen.
There's nobody to be patient with me.
There's nobody to come home to every day.
There's nobody calm and lovely to hug at home.
There's nobody to sit with me for hours.
There's nobody here when I'm "home alone".
There's nobody to keep Skye company in the day.
There's nobody to take out when I can't stand it anymore.

"She was my beautiful girl."
"She was my best friend..."

Remember the time Carly and I took you and Bonnie out for the day?
I'll never forget that day. It was so fun...
On the bus... you hid and sat like a good girl. Like the good girl you always were.
Bonnie wanted to explore...
And when we went through the lanes and you both nearly went into that pond.
And when you went into the stream and I thought you were going to get stuck...
You two made a great pair.
RIP, both of you. I hope you're keeping each other and Monty company.

And what about the time we bought Skye home?
I sat with you all the time because she annoyed me... She annoyed you too.
She loved you to bits. It was amusing to see you put her in her place.
You got used to her though, as I did.
You were her mother, her sister, and her best friend.
She misses you so much. She waited by the door for weeks for you to come home.
I think she realised you weren't coming... She's not as bouncy as she used to be.

I think of you all the time.
Especially when it rains.

I will always love you. And I will always miss you.
I'll compare every one to you.

See you again someday...

x




And this is my ode to Bracken from September 2009. A year and six months later...

Now, we have a new puppy... She's called Myst, she's chocolate and white - slightly different. Oh babe, she'd love you. She's just like you, except she's much more annoying and not as well behaved, and a she's a bit weird and edgy. Dad hates her - him and Skye are friends now. She has her doolally moments, just like you did. She runs around the garden in circles for ages and then comes in and jumps on whoever she sees first. I don't know whether you'd be her biggest fan, but I know you'd teach her and put her in her place when she tried to step out of it. I don't like dog training with her - it's not the same as it was with you.
Skye misses you. She's doing well in agility though, Mom and her recently got into grade two. You'd have celebrated with us. She went away with Mom for a week and Myst moped around the house and wouldn't leave my side until Skye got home. It reminded me of Skye the week you left us.
They always come to me when I'm upset though, just as you did. Except they come and paw and lick me. I know they're only trying to make me feel better but it was much nicer when you just come and lay by me and you would rest your head on me.
I still miss you, and think of you every day.

I still wish on the stars - and I know you're there because they sometimes come true.
I love you.

x