Here's To My Teachers.

The day has finally come. Thursday, I did my last exam, and yesterday I went to school one last time to help out in Sports Day. I was classed as a teacher though and spent the day with my favourite staff in the school; the PE department and my English teacher. It was the best day I have ever had at my school and for the first time ever, I felt sad that I was leaving because I was going to miss the teachers so much.

Those teachers are somthing special.

Being in year 13 has one huge bonus; you can be friends with your teachers. They help you, are understanding, respect goes both ways and you can get to know the teachers as they get to know the pupils properly... Not just as students but as people. You can have a laugh, be friends with them, talk to them about anything, trust that the other won't go and tell everyone else anything that has been said.

Yesterday, I went to help out in Sports Day as I said, and I went to sit with all the teachers as I was the only sixth former helping out and one of my three PE teachers said "don't worry, she's one of us", and they carried on being as they would with fellow teachers - they would never act that way infront of students, but I was classed as a teacher for the day and I saw a new side to them all. A side that I absolutely love.

I spent the morning with the PE department who I've been quite close with since the beginning of my senior school life because I've always loved PE. All the teachers in the PE department are amazing and I had a good chat with a couple of them and a really good laugh while helping to run some field events in sports day. Then in the afternoon, I spent the afternoon with my favourite teacher ever, my English Language teacher, choosing the music that should be put on and teasing him for his bizarre music taste.

He's one of my favourite people, my (ex) English Language teacher. Not just out of the teachers but out of everyone. He'll never realise how much of a difference he's made to my life over the past couple of years. For teachers that go the extra mile, who try their best to keep everyone happy, do a good job and be friends with their pupils who seem like they actually care who we are, how we are and how we do. I'm going to seriously miss his lessons, his passing comments, his praise, his humour, the looks he gives, his company, him in general. I don't think anyone will be able to motivate me as well as he could. I have so much respect and admiration for people with the patience, ability, understanding and caring to be a really good teacher... I have so much respect and admiration for him.

"Change lives. Become a teacher." That couldn't be more true, for my teachers - especially my A2 teachers - have changed my life, they've had such a huge impact on me and my life and no-one will ever understand just how grateful I am.


Last night, we went into town to celebrate because our exams had finished. It was awesome night.
I drink to my teachers.
The people that have taught me, been there for me and changed me for the better. The people that have had a huge impact on my life and yet they'll probably never realise quite how much. The people who got me through the most difficult year of my life to date, and even helped me to enjoy it - and maybe even get some decent grades out of it in the end.
I thank them. Here's to them.
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Giving Up.

The extremes of giving up means suicide, doesn't it? I think that's a soft point that could deserve it's whole own post but it's very controversial and a difficult topic.

Giving up, debately a bad thing but sometimes it could be a good thing for a situation. Giving up and not trying anymore, not going out of your way to make something work or happen even though you still hope it does work out. Giving up means that someone else has to try, put in the effort to make whatever it is work. If it doesn't mean that someone else has to make it work and it it mean to work then that means destiny and fate get involved so that things plan out the way they should.

Should we ever give up on something we want?
I've always strongly believed that you should never give up on your dreams, I definitely never would. I want to go travelling and one day I know I will, I'm determined and I will make sure that I can do everything I possibly can to get me on a plane and around the world. It's a dream, a hope, a plan for the future, therefore something that should't be given up on. It should be considered, taken seriously and something that should be reached for.

Should we give up on other things though? For example, if you like someone, should you give up on them before you know for sure whether or not it's going to happen? You don't know for a fact that nothing is going to happen between you but it seems pretty hopeless and you've got a feeling it's not going to work out the way you might have hoped. Do you give up? Or do you wait until you know for sure that it won't work? Do you start looking for someone else, start trying to get over him OR do you start going completely out of your way to get him interested or to let him know that you like him?
I like the idea of going out of your way to find out whether it is going to happen or not, because it's so romantic, but at the same that's just setting yourself up to get hurt isn't it?

Maybe if I give up on it, fate will come to my side and help me out. I can always hope.

Is there a right answer? I suppose it depends on the situation.
But I just need a sign. Yes or no? Please let this work out... Tell me what to do.
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For Once...?

I've written about distractions before. And normally they're a really good thing because they're not that serious and they help you get over someone or something that you really need to get over. But what happens if you fall for the distraction more than you planned to and then that distraction becomes the new problem, not just a distraction any more and you need a new distraction because the first distraction(which is now the problem) is starting to get as unbearable as the last problem?

Does that make any sense?

My family are so overprotective though and it worries me sometimes. I'd never settled down with anyone in fear of how my brothers will react and treat him. Should I care more about keeping them happy, or about being happy myself?

For once, I wished for myself. It won't work. It never did. But for once, just once, I'd like for something good to happen for me so that I can be happy for myself, not just for everyone else.
If it made someone else unhappy then I wouldn't want it. I just don't think anyone would mind, people might actually even be happy for me for once.
I don't ask for much. I hardly ask for anything. But please, just this once, let it be me. Although I don't know why it would be me, please let it be?

"I'm lucky, I smile a lot, but sometimes I wish for more than I've got, what about me? It isn't fair, I've had enough now I want my share. Can't you? I wanna live, but you just take more than you give."

I love all my friends, but is it bad that I'm be scared to introduce my guy to them all because I'd be worried he'd like them more than he likes me? I've got to find a lad first - maybe I've found one. But I'm convinced that it's just a waste of my time and affection as he likes someone else - someone else who I'm close with - but I can't drop it. I never can drop it. I don't drop it because I think maybe one day my perserverence and emotion will get me where I want to be - with who I want to be with. "It's got to happen, happen sometime. Maybe this time I'll win." Surely it has got to happen sometime? I don't want to wait forever to find what I'm dreaming of.
I think I might still be waiting for a long time yet. Maybe I'll have a nice surprise. Oh, I hope I do get a nice surprise.

Please. For once?
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My Fear.

Lately, my best friend and I seem to have mentioned our fears quite often. They've been trival ones like birds, polistiren (don't ask!), heights, the normal things people are scared of. I'm not particularly scared of any of these things (although I'm not a huge fan of heights)! There are more important things I'm scared of, things that affect the way I act and what I do.

I don't know what to do at the moment. If I don't go to university (which is probably going to be the case), I can stay here and re-do my A-levels and go to university next year, I can get an apprenticeship or a job, not bother with university and try and get to high places with working hard. Or I can get a pass the time job, save up some money and go travelling and worry about all of this when I come back. I can't wait to get away from this town, the dramas, sometimes even the people. Yet, that's exactly what's stopping me... The people. My parents, my best friends.
My 4 best friends are all staying at home and going to the same university as each other. So whatever happens, I'm going to be the 5th leg, the odd one out. That terrifies me.

What terrifies me more though, is that if I leave, what if people don't notice I've gone? What if, when I come back, life if still the same and no-one has missed me.
I'm scared that I'm not going to make an impact on anyone's life.

I miss being appreciated or needed. Everyone has moved on. Everyone has grown up. No-one needs a friend anymore, they all have their boy or girlfriends instead. As long as they know I'll always be there if they ever do need me though, but I doubt they will. Everyone is settling down and I just want to go out and enjoy being eighteen. Isn't that what we're meant to do?

I hope I make impression, I hope I make a difference.
"There's a life that I am meant to lead, a life like nothing I have known. I can feel it and it's far from here, I've got to find it on my own. Even now I feel it's heat upon my skin, a life of passion that pulls me from within, a life that I am aching to begin. There must be somewhere I can be astonishing."

Although I'm posting this blog, part of me wants no-one to read it so that no-one will know what I'm scared of. It seems attention seeking, and God knows that's not what I want - attention. Sometimes it's just nice to know that your life does count.


I hope you all get the chance to change someone's life for the better. There is nothing that gives more satisfaction than that.
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Exams, University, Future...

I've been meaning to write on here for a while. I keep thinking about it, thinking it's been ages, thinking that I'm not going to have any "June 2010" blogs. Not that I need reminding of what's happening this month. Nothing is happening. Nothing has happened in my life for the past month, hence the lack of blogs.

I've been revising non-stop, worrying about my present and my future. My exams aren't going as well as they could be, so September and going to university is looking further away than ever.


What I've thinking about lately is the way people say the things that they think you want to hear, and how much it irritates me.
If I tell anyone that I'm not going to get the grades I need, if I say I'm not going to get into university they just reply with "you'll be fine, you'll get in, you're an intelligent girl, you're working hard." What do they know? They weren't in the exam. They can't get inside my head and find out what I do and don't know for my exams. They don't know how good I am at the things I'm doing, they just say "you'll be fine" for their own peace of mind, and they think it'll make me feel better.

In all honesty, it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel worse because when I don't do as well as I "should" or I fail, they'll all be disappointed, think I could've done better. They'll think I didn't work hard enough even though that's not true. I just freak out in exams, they never go the way I want them to - and I'm not as intelligent as people think I am. They can't say I didn't warn them.

I only have 3 more exams left, I can't wait for them to be over so that I can have a life again, so that I can see my friends and family, actually appreciate their company.
Today, my Dad said to me, "I can't wait till you've finished so that I can have my babby back." It's the nicest thing that someone's said to me in such a long time.

But I'm worried that once I finish, that;s the start of the rest of my life. I know we don't get our results until the end of August but I don't think they're going to change my life like everyone else's results are going to when they're off to uni.


But two more weeks of solid revising before I can properly start worrying about that.
Good luck to everyone doing exams. I hope yours go much better than mine always do.
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