Easier Said Than Done.

What do you do when everything is wrong, everything is difficult, when you have no motivation to do anything but if you did have the motivation, you wouldn't know what to do anyway?

What do you do when the last place you want to be is where you are? What do you do when your whole future relies on the next month, doing something that you've began to hate so you can't be bothered and just don't want to do it?

What do you do when your life plan takes a blip, you don't achieve something you were meant to for it to stay or track and suddenly you have to figure out a whole new plan?
What do you do when the rest of your life depends on these 3 letters you get in August? What if they're not the letters you need?

What do you do when you realise that your dreams are never going to come true? And what do you do if they did come true and you'd just be doubting the truth of them?

What do you do when you have so many questions in life and nobody to answer them?


You just keep going. You put on a happy face. Keep living. Get over it. Keep trying. Grin and bare it. Find a new plan. Don't regret the past and look forward to the future.
You keep the questions to yourself, if someone comes along then you can ask, otherwise you have to figure out the answers yourself.


But what do you do when that's much easier said than done?

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"Smile, though your heart is aching."

I wouldn't dare to admit it. I don't think anyone would really understand anyway. I know I shouldn't write people off straight away, should always give them the chance to try and understand, but giving them that chance might go horribly wrong and I'm not ready to risk that yet. I try to convince people that it's never going to happen because I don't want people to encourage me and make me believe that all dreams can come true. This dream can't. It's not everyone else that makes me believe though. They have evidence to back up their points, and that evidence always comes from you.


It actually hurts. Every day, I think about it and it hurts me because however strong this front I have up is, it's never going to trick me into thinking I don't mind. It's never going to make me believe that I don't care, that I don't feel that way. And it breaks my heart. What would break my heart even more would be that you carry on acting the way you are. You said nothing would change. It's only been a couple of weeks and so much has changed, we act completely different now.

I won't give up, and I know it won't go away. Maybe when I believe that you're truly happy, maybe then I'll be able to let it go. But not now, not yet.

At the moment, my favourite song is "Smile", originally by Charlie Chaplin.
"Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. Smile through your pain and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow you'll see the sun come shining through for you.
Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness. Although a tear may be ever so near, that's the time you must keep on trying. Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile."

Story of my life. No-one will ever know. I hope.

Smile...

Give Me A Chance.

Why doesn't anyone just let me live my life and do everything that I want to do the way I want to do it?
They might be looking out for me, but it's so irritating.
I want to learn from some of my own mistakes and experiences, not from everyone else's.

One day I'll learn. And one day I'll make you proud. I hope. But for now, just let me live. Let me find out who I am and what I was born to do. It's so unclear at the moment. Everything is so mixed up. I don't know where to start. Give me a chance and I'll prove to you that I can do it on my own. I'll prove to you that I am someone who has done the right thing, who can make a difference, who is a good person, someone who can make you proud.


Give me a break.
Give me a chance...

Luck.

Luck:
Luck or good luck is success or good things that happen to you, that do not come from your own abilities or efforts.
Bad luck is lack of success or bad things that happen to you, that have not been caused by yourself or other people.

I don't agree with the first two words. Luck itself is neither good or bad, putting a positive or negeative adjective in front of it to sway it one way or the other makes it good or bad.
I was talking about it with a friend and he was the one to explain this concept to me, I was the only one out of a group of five that understood what he was saying.

Is luck even real? Is it merely another supersticion, a myth that helps shifts the blame of something bad happening or explains why something - whether it be good or bad - has happened?

Luck and supersticion go hand in hand, don't they? I follow some supersticions even thought I don't particularly believe I'd get bad luck if I didn't follow them - or do I? Would I follow them if I didn't believe in them at all? I think I just do it for the fun, for a bit of variety and change.

My cousin and I used to follow the magpies supersticion for a laugh when we were playing golf when we were young and it's stuck now.
"One for sorrow, two for joy.
Three for a girl, four for a boy.
Five for silver, six for gold.
Seven for a secret never to be told."
We made up eight, nine and ten but I can't remember them anymore, but when do you ever see more seven magpies together? To counteract seeing however many magpies you saw, you have to touch the object that goes with the number. For one, you must touch green and two you must touch red. Then a girl for three, a boy for four and so on. I don't know what you have to touch for seven, but I've never seen more than four magpies together.

I do a lot of music and drama which means we're in theatres a lot and it's bad luck to say "MacBeth" in a theatre. You have to turn about three times and touch the floor if you do. Not that that would counteract it. Although that doesn't bother me too much, my friend really believes it so none of us can say it or she's on edge for the show show.
I tend not to walk under those sign posts that are like an arch way, or walk over three drains that are in a row. If I do walk under or over them though, it's not the end of the world, I just think "it's just a supersticion, it doesn't mean anything" and that's the end of it. I dont mind anything else really.
macbeth in a theatre.

Supersticions like black cats and walking under ladders don't bother me. I can walk under a lad or have a black cat cross my path and it won't worry me at all, I'll completely forget about the fact that it happened, even if something bad happens. I won't consider that as the reason for the bad happenings.

Either way, it's nice to have good luck on your side.

Luck to you all.
Preferably good luck.
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Fate.

Do you believe in fate?

It's a strange concept that no-one will ever know the answer to. Maybe fate is just based on the choices we make. But if that is the case, then our lives are planned out, every minute of every day, everyone move and every choice we make is pre-planned. Maybe it's only the bigger picture that is fate, the lessons we learn and the ending of the story.

What's meant to be will be.

I like the idea of fate because it lets you look to the future with hope with the thoughts that if it hasn't happened now then it might happen in the future, and if it's meant to be then it will be.
I like the idea of fate because it lets me keep dreaming and hoping for something in the future that I should forget about because it would never happen to a girl like me.
A girl like me. The girl who is happy because everyone she loves is happy, and her life is okay, there's nothing particularly wrong. So I'm grateful because I know I'm lucky to have nothing wrong. Even if I don't that one extraordinary thing - or person. As long as they're happy, and as long as he's happy.

Fate, serendipity, destiny. All different words with similar meanings. How will be ever know if it's real? Now, someone telling me that we'll end up together because it's fate, it just has to happen. But I wonder if, in a couple of years time, we'll be saying that it's that a different couple are together (or should be).

Either way, I know the person that ideally I'd end up with. Maybe that's ridiculous. I don't know whether you feel it before you start the whole process, but I feel like this is different, special. Maybe I'm being over the top, getting way over my head, but I've not felt this way for someone, or had this relationship with someone before. Maybe that's my inexperience and just the way he is. But maybe there is something there that I'm not imagining. It's been this way for a long time, and although there might have been distractions along the way, it's been him and I can't see it stopping in a while. Not with the (frustrating, misleading, heartbreaking yet beautiful) hope that I have at the moment.

"The one". That's definitely all about fate, isn't it? So if you believe in the one then you believe in fate.
I believe that there are a few people in the world that a person could be very happy with their whole lives. Maybe there's one that would be "best" or "right", but there is a different person that it could work with too. I'd like to believ on "the one" but it seems so cliche and such a juvenile idea.

Sometimes I look at my past blogs and for a few of them, I forget why I wrote it. For each blog there is a reason I'm am writing about that topic, an event in my life that had me considering and wondering about the topic. I don't think I'll forget the reason for this one though.

I think I've written about fate before without actually realising it was fate. "Everything happens for a reason". I have always and still do believe this so therefore I must believe in fate. I don't know, must I? I like the idea of fate.

Although I'm not really sure what my conclusion to this blog is, I stand by what I've said before.
Everything happens for a reason.
And what's meant to be will be.

Do you believe in fate? I think I do.

Jump And Pray.

I don't know what to think. I'm not really sure what I should do, although I think I'm going to do the right thing. Everyone who knows is telling me it's the right thing.

But how do you ever know what is the 'right' think to do? It might be the ideal thing, or the moral thing, but any action can be classified as the 'right' thing, it's completely opinion. Someone said to me, "the right thing to do might not be the best thing" which completely confused me, but I agree now, it depends who you want to keep happy. If you want to keep everyone else happy then doing the 'right' thing is the way to go, but sometimes - occasionally- you have to keep yourself happy so you have to do whats best for you.

I've never been in this situation before. I've never been forced to consider to tell somebody something very important to me. Now, I'm in a situation where I can tell or not tell, it's completely in my hands, but either way there are consequences I'll have to deal with. According to someone I highly respect and trust, one of these things is right and one of them is best. I think I know now which one is which and I've decided which path to choose, there's no going back. Let's just hope it is the best path. I've been led to believe that it is, but how am I to know until in years to come when I can see all of the outcomes of the decision I've made?

I've talked about this so many times but it all depends on whether you're brave enough to go for for it. Jump and hope to God that you can fly.

I've always said "just do it", you should go for what you want regardless, forget about getting hurt for a moment, what if all of your dreams come true? Surely it's worth a try. The hope and that maybe, it's enough to make you want to go for it and try.
When I was driving, my Dad was telling me a story about how he'd hestitated whilest driving and he shouldn't have and that I shouldn't hestitate when driving. It made me think, and it applies to lots of different situations. It applies to the one I was in last week, and I hesitated. So now I have to sort it out.

I'm going to jump, and I wish upon every star in the sky that I can fly.
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Ode to WBOS.

There's a place I go that makes me happy after 2 minutes of being there, a place I feel accepted and welcome where I get on with everyone, where I've made some of the best friends and met some of the most talented people I've ever known. It's called WBOS. We all auditioned to get in so we all know we're half decent at singing, dancing and acting and we'll all on a par, no-one is up themselves and everyone gets on really well.
Every time I go, I hear the beautiful sound of amazing voices singing solos and together with perfect harmonies and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

This weekend has been an amazing one, a dress rehersal and 3 shows, with 2 standing ovations which is unusual for a concert. We didn't stop, chorus number after number. It was such a good weekend, so much fun, so many laughs - and tears - and memories I'll never forget!

But there always comes a time to move on. And this is our time. To move on up into the big wide world and get our lives back, get them the way we want them. There is so much we can do now, but I don't know whether that will make it worth it. I'm so sad to leave, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself on a Friday night now!

It's going to be hard because I've known life when I've always had a time at least once a week, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week where I could go and have an amazing time and forget about life and be myself without worrying about anything else, just for a little while. Now I don't know that and I'm going to have to get used to it, get used to not having a little free time without worry.

I'm so sad to leave. But I've had the time of my life.

So thank you to all my best friends, all of the WBOS people who have made the past 4 years the best of my life as I know it. It's changed me. Changed me in so many ways and "I am who I am because of you". Because of WBOS.

P.S. Goodness Gracious Great Balls Of Fire!
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