I feel like haven't written for ages. It has been a couple of weeks, maybe longer than normal but still not longer than I promised myself, yet it seems like forever. The past month or so has been really busy but I can't think of why. We've finished school so in the day I've been free. I've played quite a lot of golf and been out with friends but that's about it. Nothing different to usual.
It's less than a month till we get out results. Three weeks yesterday, and I'm beginning to worry. The rest of my life depends on three letters. If those letters are ABB or better then university here I come. Watch out. I'm beginning to like the idea of university again because it means I can leave immediately. I know that shouldn't be the reason I want to go, it isn't the single reason, but it contributes a lot. The second reason is that it would make me parents proud. My whole life, that has been my life's aim, to make my Mom and Dad and the rest of my family proud. They all expect so much of me because they think I'm the "intelligent one", and I just pray that I can live up to their expectations this time.
The further away my exams get, the more I start to doubt that I will get the grades. I know that two out of three subjects went really well but I've never succeeded to get the grades I need now in the past so why should this time be any different? I worked ten times as hard, maybe that work will pay off. I really hope it does.
I'd really like to get the grades because then it gives me the desicion. I can choose whether I want to go to university or not. If I don't get the grades, I can't go and that's the end of that. I want to find my own path, I don't want to be pushed down one.
All along, through all of my blogs I've been saying (whether subtely or just outright) that I hope there is something more to life that what I have now, I'm determined to find something more, something amazing that will make me excited and happy and not just "ordinary". For the first time, last night I told someone I was looking for something more out of life and their reply was that they'd wanted something more out of life a few years ago when they were about my age, but now they'd given up on it because "it just isn't life the movies". There are so many things that I want to do, want to find, want to prove.
There are so many things. I'm eighteen years old. This is just the beginning.
I will prove everyone wrong one day.
I will live my dreams and do everything I want to in my life.
I will be extraordinary. Even if it's just for a minute.
I will change someone's life.
I will make myself happy, and I will make my family proud.
I will.
x
Friday, 23 July 2010
Friday, 9 July 2010
"Do you blog?"
"Does anyone have a blog?" I was the only person who raised my hand.
"Yeah, I have one too. What's yours for?"
"Erm... Writing."
"What do you write?" I paused, stumbled over my words because I didn't really know how to answer.
"For writing down your feelings, getting them off your chest?"
I pulled a face, it sounded cringeworthy when he said it. "Sort of..."
He figured I didn't want to talk about it.
"Well..." He looked at the rest of the class, away from me to save me anymore embarrassment and awkwardness I think he could see I felt. "On mine, I write reviews. Reviews on films, books, television programmes, music, anything really."
There are very few people I know who I would want to read any of these things. I wouldn't want my family to, there are a few of my friends that I wouldn't mind if they read it, but for the majority I'd only have strangers read it. Strangers and him. If he actually cared.
I hope he cares.
x
"Yeah, I have one too. What's yours for?"
"Erm... Writing."
"What do you write?" I paused, stumbled over my words because I didn't really know how to answer.
"For writing down your feelings, getting them off your chest?"
I pulled a face, it sounded cringeworthy when he said it. "Sort of..."
He figured I didn't want to talk about it.
"Well..." He looked at the rest of the class, away from me to save me anymore embarrassment and awkwardness I think he could see I felt. "On mine, I write reviews. Reviews on films, books, television programmes, music, anything really."
There are very few people I know who I would want to read any of these things. I wouldn't want my family to, there are a few of my friends that I wouldn't mind if they read it, but for the majority I'd only have strangers read it. Strangers and him. If he actually cared.
I hope he cares.
x
Monday, 5 July 2010
Overprotectiveness.
To all those girls (and guys) out there who have brothers and fathers and other relatives who are way too overprotective, I feel for you and I really hope the overprotectiveness is not to the degree than I know.
If it is, you might be single forever. I think I might be.
It's been happening forever, but now it's starting to get worse because the reality is upon them. I might actually meet someone who I like and that likes me back (hopefully) and my brothers and Dad would have to deal with it and welcome him into our family like they do the girls that my brothers bring home.
Don't be daft, they'd never welcome him in like that. He'd get beaten and gotten drunk, quizzed and tormented first, and if he stayed around then maybe (just maybe, not guarantee) he might be good enough to accept but if he puts one toe over the line then it's bye bye to him, even if I like him and want him to stay around.
Until now, I've just let it go over my head because that's the easiest way. I used to play off it, use it to my advantage, I loved the attention and drama. But now I've grown up a bit and tonight, for the one of the first times, the overprotectiveness annoyed and upset me a little.
There's someone I've got a little bit of a thing and my brothers know of him because he works in our local. I don't even know him really, we haven't spoken much but he's really good looking, eye candy I suppose really. He's been warned of my brothers and their ways by another one of the barstaff who knows them. Tonight, I went to our local with my Dad and we got talking to some guy who obviously knew the lad. This guy must have noticed me glancing at the lad from time to time and asked if I wanted him to put in a word for me to which my Dad (who had had a drink or two...) explained about my overprotective brothers, but my Dad thinks it's a wonderful thing. Later on, the lad went to turn the TV off that was behind me and had to squeeze through a gap between me and a table to get to it. He brushed past me once he'd turned it off and then pretended to trip whilst glaring ast me as if it was my fault, to which I replied "you walked into me!" but I was laughing as I said it. Then my Dad suddenly turns around and starts saying "is he giving you hassle? Is he giving you hassle?! I'll tell your big brothers he's giving you hassle!" I explained thast he was just joking around with me and that we were having a laugh, he wasn't giving me hassle. My Dad didn't seem to understand. As we left, the guy we'd been talking to said "I'll put in a good word for you" and winked at me. I smile and shrugged and I wasn't sure whether to be really happy or quite worried about it, I wasn't sure whether I hoped he would actually do it or not -I'm still not sure.
But anyway, I really hope my Dad doesn't tell me brothers that the lad was giving me hassle (because he just wasn't, whatever way you look at it, and I loved that I got to talk to him!) because I might lose all hope and I'll definitely lose all chance of anything with the lad.
I'm too worried to ever bring a lad home with me. Even one that I've been seeing for a while who I know is decent. That really isn't a good thing. There is nothing I can do about it. I've told my brothers to tone it down but they don't, I don't think they know how to.
It's a nightmare, I just hope that one lad I bring home (when I finally pluck the courage up to...!) they find appropriate and good enough and don't treat him too badly.
I'm a bit insecure, not that anyone would ever know it, and I think that if I take a lad home and they have a hard time off my brothers there, they'll just leave because it's not worth the hassle. It probably isn't worth the hassle, I don't suppose I could blame them. My brothers would never understand that. They think I'm as confident as ever. What do they know?
I love my family more than anything and I would choose my family over friends or a lad anyday, I know I would. That's the way I've been brought up, that's the way my priorities stand and they always will. But I hope that one day my priorities won't all conflict like they do at the moment, like they always have done.
To any person who suffers from overprotective family or friends, I hope that when the right girl or guy comes along for you, your family and friends get along with them and see them fit for you aswell.
I hope you all find happiness in friendship, family and love, all at the same time.
x
If it is, you might be single forever. I think I might be.
It's been happening forever, but now it's starting to get worse because the reality is upon them. I might actually meet someone who I like and that likes me back (hopefully) and my brothers and Dad would have to deal with it and welcome him into our family like they do the girls that my brothers bring home.
Don't be daft, they'd never welcome him in like that. He'd get beaten and gotten drunk, quizzed and tormented first, and if he stayed around then maybe (just maybe, not guarantee) he might be good enough to accept but if he puts one toe over the line then it's bye bye to him, even if I like him and want him to stay around.
Until now, I've just let it go over my head because that's the easiest way. I used to play off it, use it to my advantage, I loved the attention and drama. But now I've grown up a bit and tonight, for the one of the first times, the overprotectiveness annoyed and upset me a little.
There's someone I've got a little bit of a thing and my brothers know of him because he works in our local. I don't even know him really, we haven't spoken much but he's really good looking, eye candy I suppose really. He's been warned of my brothers and their ways by another one of the barstaff who knows them. Tonight, I went to our local with my Dad and we got talking to some guy who obviously knew the lad. This guy must have noticed me glancing at the lad from time to time and asked if I wanted him to put in a word for me to which my Dad (who had had a drink or two...) explained about my overprotective brothers, but my Dad thinks it's a wonderful thing. Later on, the lad went to turn the TV off that was behind me and had to squeeze through a gap between me and a table to get to it. He brushed past me once he'd turned it off and then pretended to trip whilst glaring ast me as if it was my fault, to which I replied "you walked into me!" but I was laughing as I said it. Then my Dad suddenly turns around and starts saying "is he giving you hassle? Is he giving you hassle?! I'll tell your big brothers he's giving you hassle!" I explained thast he was just joking around with me and that we were having a laugh, he wasn't giving me hassle. My Dad didn't seem to understand. As we left, the guy we'd been talking to said "I'll put in a good word for you" and winked at me. I smile and shrugged and I wasn't sure whether to be really happy or quite worried about it, I wasn't sure whether I hoped he would actually do it or not -I'm still not sure.
But anyway, I really hope my Dad doesn't tell me brothers that the lad was giving me hassle (because he just wasn't, whatever way you look at it, and I loved that I got to talk to him!) because I might lose all hope and I'll definitely lose all chance of anything with the lad.
I'm too worried to ever bring a lad home with me. Even one that I've been seeing for a while who I know is decent. That really isn't a good thing. There is nothing I can do about it. I've told my brothers to tone it down but they don't, I don't think they know how to.
It's a nightmare, I just hope that one lad I bring home (when I finally pluck the courage up to...!) they find appropriate and good enough and don't treat him too badly.
I'm a bit insecure, not that anyone would ever know it, and I think that if I take a lad home and they have a hard time off my brothers there, they'll just leave because it's not worth the hassle. It probably isn't worth the hassle, I don't suppose I could blame them. My brothers would never understand that. They think I'm as confident as ever. What do they know?
I love my family more than anything and I would choose my family over friends or a lad anyday, I know I would. That's the way I've been brought up, that's the way my priorities stand and they always will. But I hope that one day my priorities won't all conflict like they do at the moment, like they always have done.
To any person who suffers from overprotective family or friends, I hope that when the right girl or guy comes along for you, your family and friends get along with them and see them fit for you aswell.
I hope you all find happiness in friendship, family and love, all at the same time.
x
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Fortune Favours The Brave.
I put up post-it notes around with all sorts of messages on them, but they all reoccur and get used over again. One of the messages I like to use is "fortune favours the brave". If you put yourself out there and take the chances that can be taken then you're more likely to be fortunate, the more you put yourself out there and go for it.
Taking chances, in my opinion, is important. It helps you grow as a person, helps you find out who you truly are and what you're willing to take chances for.
This week, my first week of freedom, I watched two series of a TV programme that I didn't watch at the time but I wish I had. "Skins". Know it? The first two series are about 7 or 8 teenagers in their second year of A-levels (same as me) but instead they were having the time of their lives, living the dream, doing what they wanted, going wild, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, having sex, all sorts. All sorts that I wouldn't do because I know it to be wrong, to not be sensible, to be dangerous. I'd never have the nerve, I wouldn't want to disappoint my parents or anyone else, I'd be too scared because of all the bad side effects.
I want to go and have fun. Go and do the stuff that all the other teenagers in this country are doing that I don't seem to be.
In Skins, one of them gets left behind. Everyone in the group of friends passes their exams and go to uni or to do whatever they dreamed of doing except one who failed and his plans can't happen. Instead though, his best mate asks him to move to London with him and his boyfriend so that he doesn't get left behind.
I feel like I'm the one who's going to be left behind, even though my friends are staying here.
What does all this have to do with fortune favouring the brave? I have no idea. I guess if that's what I want to do then I suppose I've got to throw myself out there so that there is a chsnce it could happen to me. As the people in Skins would say, "Fuck it."
Fuck it. Take a chance. Because fortune favours the brave.
On the other hand, if you're too sensible for that, another message I put on my post it notes is:
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." ~ Mary Anne Radmacher.
Have a wonderful day. x
Taking chances, in my opinion, is important. It helps you grow as a person, helps you find out who you truly are and what you're willing to take chances for.
This week, my first week of freedom, I watched two series of a TV programme that I didn't watch at the time but I wish I had. "Skins". Know it? The first two series are about 7 or 8 teenagers in their second year of A-levels (same as me) but instead they were having the time of their lives, living the dream, doing what they wanted, going wild, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, having sex, all sorts. All sorts that I wouldn't do because I know it to be wrong, to not be sensible, to be dangerous. I'd never have the nerve, I wouldn't want to disappoint my parents or anyone else, I'd be too scared because of all the bad side effects.
I want to go and have fun. Go and do the stuff that all the other teenagers in this country are doing that I don't seem to be.
In Skins, one of them gets left behind. Everyone in the group of friends passes their exams and go to uni or to do whatever they dreamed of doing except one who failed and his plans can't happen. Instead though, his best mate asks him to move to London with him and his boyfriend so that he doesn't get left behind.
I feel like I'm the one who's going to be left behind, even though my friends are staying here.
What does all this have to do with fortune favouring the brave? I have no idea. I guess if that's what I want to do then I suppose I've got to throw myself out there so that there is a chsnce it could happen to me. As the people in Skins would say, "Fuck it."
Fuck it. Take a chance. Because fortune favours the brave.
On the other hand, if you're too sensible for that, another message I put on my post it notes is:
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." ~ Mary Anne Radmacher.
Have a wonderful day. x
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