Get A Conscience.

As if you could do that to someone, to anyone, let alone him! Do you not realise how lucky you are?!

Why is it the worst things happen to the best of people?
I always used to think "everything happens for a reason" but I'm failing to see the reason for this, what can he possible learn from this that he didn't learn before?

I've got a draft of a blog I was going to post this weekend that I didn't get around to posting about hope. I'll post it soon, but I can't bring myself to do it today after what has happened. Why would you let someone get their hopes up so high, let them be optimistic and let them believe that everything is going to be okay, just to bring their hopes and dreams crashing down onto their head?

We don't understand. How can you lie and cheat someone that you're meant to care about? I could never do something that I know might upset a friend, family member, anyone, unless if was for their benefit. But I really don't see how anyone has benefited from this. Not even you. You can't have a conscience if you are able to do that to somebody.

It all comes back to trust. But how could anyone ever trust someone who lied and cheated them? Can people really change? I really wish they could, and I've always believed that they can. But after today, I don't know, and I'm very wary about giving second chances because I don't think you can. But that's not my choice right now.


Get a conscience. Maybe it'll teach you something. I can't believe anyone would do that, I can't believe you would. I hope you get what's coming to you.

And I hope you're okay. I always hope you're okay.


Does everything happen for a reason? Maybe not everything. Maybe just most things.
But not this.

x

Blah.

I feel like I'm a bad person. Bad, bad person.

Have you even felt something and then thought "oh my Gosh you don't think that, that's a horrible thing to think!" and then take it back? But actually, you can never really take it back because that's what you thought, that's your instict? I truly, truly want for everyone I love just to be happy in everything they do.

I'm trying my hardest. I spoke to him and now he's just told me everything. Like he did that? Like he did that! I'm trying to say the right things, trying to make him feel better.

Do you think it's true that we all put the people we love first, or ourselves? I would choose to put the ones I love first, I'm certain of it, but I think there is something in everyone that would put ourselves forward, "survival of the fittest"... it's a tough world out there.

I want to be a good person.
I wish I was different. But I can't wish for myself. That doesn't work! I'll wish for him. I'll wish for him for tomorrow. I hope things are okay. I hope he's okay.

You have no idea. You have absolutely no idea what's going through my head. But can I make it any more obvious? And yet, I would never tell anyone. I would never say a word to anyone about it. I would never have the nerve.

I'm trying.

"I wish I could fly, magically appear and disappear. I wish I could fly, I'd fly far away from here."


x

Anne Frank.

I'm reading Anne Frank's diary, I think it's the third time I have, it may have been more, but I haven't read it in a couple of years.

Anne Frank's story touches me for reasons that I don't understand. When I first read 'The Diary Of Anne Frank', I was younger than the age that she was when she began writing her diary. I was about 11 and she was 13. I read it again when I was 13.
At 13, you see things differently to everyone else, every problem is worse than it really is and you're changing in ways you'd never imagined. And the main thing you want at 13 is to have a true friend and to be able to have alone time. These are two of the main things that Anne Frank was deprived of. I can not express how sorry I felt and feel for her.

If you haven't read Anne Frank's Diary, you should. Whether your interested in a young girl's mind, a story of love, desperation, hope, romance, or the real life encounters of a huge event in history, or just out of respect for all the people who died in World War 2 under Hitler's reign, you should read it.

I'm not really sure what to say on this subject, but I thought I'd attempt to show my respect. I don't think anyone could understand the trauma of what any Jews, ethnical minorities, and anyone else who was punished for no reason at all in the 1940's had to go through unless they were there.

So this is a dedication to Anne Frank. An inspirational, heartbreaking story of a young girl. A young, innocent child who did nothing wrong in the world, and was punished to the highest extreme for it.
Talk about unfair.

I hope you're resting in peace, Anne Frank.
At least your dream came true after all. You are, whether you know it and intended it or not, a writer.

x

Good To Forget.

I was just about to write a blog on an idea that I'd had a while ago that I'd saved as I hadn't had the time or effort to write it at the time that I'd thought about it, but when I read the notes I'd made, it reminded me of something - someone - that I shouldn't have forgotten about but I've been so distracted with other things and other people that I'd completely put aside the fact that I was waiting for him to get back to me.

You got it, I forgot about the boy. I can't remember the last time I thought about him! It must have been at least two or three days ago now (that's a long time for me not to think about something at least once) and it made me smile because that's the sign of getting over him.

I think I brushed upon my situation with a boy in my blog "January Blues" but I had bigger fish to fry that week so he wasn't a priority, so let me recap.
Basically, I sent him a message saying that it was his last chance and it was the last time I was really going to try and make and effort because I'd tried to many times and it was getting thrown back into my face. I asked him to reply, but I said I understood if he didn't want to.
He didn't.
I've waited nearly three weeks for a reply and I still haven't had one. But the good thing is, I forgot that I was waiting for it! It wasn't until I read notes of "drifting with someone" that I remember that he still hadn't replied. Then I left that blog for another time so that I could do this one.

But I don't feel so bothered. I was disappointed to begin with but now I've dealt with the fact that he hasn't replied, and although I might always live in hope that he will reply at someone point, even if it's not for months or maybe even years, I'm okay. It doesn't matter anymore. It was fun while it lasted. But now it's over and it's time. Time to accept it and move. And I'm fine, almost happy because I know I can do it.


Last night, something dreadful happened. I fell. All over again. I fell. I went out with a friend that you've defintely heard about before, and neither of my two best friends or their boyfriends could come out with us but he said we should still go anyway and he'd invited one of his friends - who I'd briefly met before but never really had a conversation with.

Well, it ended up being an extremely random night, a couple of people we knew were in the pub we were in, so they came to join us, finding out all over again that it was a small word and then getting very embarrassed when we (the 'friend' you've heard about before and I) were confronted about whether we were just friends and if so, why were we? It was so embarrassing, but I was secretly quite pleased with how he was also lost for words and couldn't answer.



So now, happy with a very enjoyable and pleasing night yesterday, and with my forgetting and letting go of someone I should have a long time ago, and 6 out of 8 exams complete and all gone acceptably, things aren't going too badly for me now.
Strange how things can change so drastically in a week.


Expect the unexpected. Anything can happen.

x

Something To Look Forward To.

So, after my awfully bad week last week, this week has been a slight improvement. Apart from my bad news on Sunday night, I haven't had much bad news, nothing extremely terrible has happened and I only have one exam this week which, with a bit of luck and being able to apply my knowledge properly, will go okay.

Yesterday, I didn't come to school. I stayed at home to "revise" for the Maths exams that I have today. Both of my brothers had the day off work so I spent the majority of the day with them, talking to them, having a laugh, listening to music. They were arranging a holiday they're going on with some friends, you know thouse "Sun Holidays" in the Sun newspaper? They're doing that, and I've been collecting tokens for it in hope to do it with my friends too.

Finally, I have something to look forward to in the short(ish) term - not including my birthday party (which I haven't written a blog about just in case someone reads it and I offend someone - the last thing that I want to do - but am I really looking forward to that)? Anyway, the Sun Holiday. We're arranging to go away for 4 or 5 days most probably over Easter to somewhere like Devon, Somerset or Dorset. Maybe somewhere slightly closer, I've got to show my friends the destinations of where my brothers and I thought were the best and we'll decide between us where and when we are going. Four out of seven friends would really up for it and can't wait, two do want to but will have to arrange it and one wasn't sure. But hopefully they will all decide that it'll be fun and worth it.

The major problem is that if we're a single sex group, we're meant to have someone who's twentyfive with us. It's a good job there are only seven of us in our group that want to go because the eight slot is for an over twentyfive. They just might not turn up on the actualy holiday - what a coincidence.
Also, I've probably got to drive all the way down to Devon or somewhere like that. Devon! I hate driving at the best of times - a ten minute drive to visit my family, or to the local shop - but a five or six hour drive all the way there and then all the way back? Lord, help us!

Isn't it great to have something to look forward to? Something that makes youre life seem that little bit more worth while. Something to think about when life gets hard or boring or sad. Something that will make you smile because you can't wait to think of all the memories you will make once it has actually happened.
The only problem is when you get your hopes up for how good it will be and you imagine what it will be like, will it really live up to your expectations? Will it be how you imagined, or was how you imagined it the perfect scenario and that just would never happen?

The only way to counter act that is to keep a very open mind. An open mind and an open heart. Realise that although the holiday (or whatever event it may be) might have turned out to be a disapster or maybe just a disappointment, something good must have come out of it. There is always a good thing out of every bad. Sometimes it's just hard to notice or figure out what it is.


"If you open your mind too much, your brain will fall out." - Tim Minchin.


I hope you are able to realise the good from any bad situation.
Keep an open mind and an open heart. You never know what - or who - might find them if they're accessible.

x

De-stressing.

Today I've got a Maths exam. It's a resit of a module I failed last year. I'm much happier with it this time round though, so hopefully it will be much better the second time I sit it.

I think I'm writing now to calm myself down, de-stress - and give me something to do. I've got a free period, then a maths lessons and then a maths exam so I didn't really fancy revising for Maths in this free too. All of my friends are busy doing work, or in lessons so I've come away so that I don't distract them like I normally do.

I wonder how other people de-stress. I have loads of different ways of de-stressing, depending on where I am, who I'm with, what I'm stressing about. My favourite one is being at home alone, being able to have music that I love on really loud, that I can sing and dance and go mad to, letting energy and anger out at the same time. The other is writing blogs; when I have to be quite, or I don't have the facitilies - or I'm not alone.

How do you de-stress?

I haven't got long so this is just going to be a short one. A short one for me anyway.


I would just like to say that I love my best friends lots and lots. And lots.
I might forget that I love them sometimes when they do something wrong (or maybe just one of them in particular). But I do. And I always will.

x

January Blues.

7 posts already this month and it's only the second week in January. This is my 8th post. But 2 of the posts this month don't count. The first one - 2009 Summary - and the sixth one - Everybody's Free - don't count because I'm going to so a summary every year and I didn't officially write Everybody's Free. It's a song by Baz Lurhman that I think is very true, and a nice set of "rules" to live by.

Anyway, I don't really think I need to explain and find excuses for why I've written so many blogs. I've been writing more and more lately, I like writing them, they're quite relaxing, and I haven't put a limit on to how many blogs I write anyway.



This one is just going to be a blog when I complain about my month so far, because it's not going particularly well but I don't want to moan to my friends or family about it because they've got more important things to worry about.

Maybe it's January blues. Last year, the people in the year above us said that we would have January blues, January is always going to be a bad month when you're in sixth form but don't worry about it because it happens to everyone and it'll pass after January exams. I hope so.

Tuesday 12th January.
They say bad things happen in threes. Well, I would agree.

This month, the temperatures have been no more that freezing. I don't think it's been warmer than 0 degrees once. Well, just our luck that it's one of the most freezing months ever and our boiler breaks. We have no central heating, no hot water and it's most probably going to cost thousands of pounds to sort it out, we might need a new boiler. That's bad thing number one.

I needed to go to WBOS rehersals to practice with my friends for our auditions which are on Sunday. We'd already left later than I'd planned because of the boiler breaking. We got in the car and started driving, we got to the bottom of our road and the tyre blew. Number two. Then, my brother came to fetch me to take me and then the car ran out of petrol so I was late for my rehersals. Bad thing number three.

Other bad things that have happened this month:
- I can't sing, I'm having a bad singing month and I just don't sound like I used to which is very, very frustrating and we have auditions on Sunday so I hope my voice is back by then.
- My Mom is having issues at work, although she would never tell me that. I know she is, I've overheard her and my Dad talking about it many times.
- I've got 8 exams in three weeks. I've had 4 so far and 3 of them were pointless. 2 of them went really badly.
- I really miss Bracken for some reason. I don't know why but I really, really miss her. I wish I could see her again.
- My Mom lost her phone and someone had picked it up and turned it off so she's not getting that back, and she's quite cut out that she's lost all of her numbers.
- The boy. He's not talking to me. I'm waiting for him to reply to a message to I sent a few days ago and he still hasn't. I really would like a reply, I really would like for him to be happy. And I would really like for him to be my "friend" if nothing more, but it's not happening.

They say bad things come in threes. I believe them.

Maybe it's because I forgot to say "White Rabbits" this month.
I'll make sure I say it next month.

x

Phasing And Interpretation.

Have you ever struggled to phrase something exactly what you want to say exactly how you mean it?

There are two problems.

The first is trying to put something that you don't know how to explain into words that make sense and aren't just a jumble of words that are linked to what you want to say. Trying to phrase something so that the person will understand what you want to say. To try to explain a concept, a feeling, a problem, a story with it making perfect sense, and for the person to understand what you mean so that they can relate and understand how you feel - if that's what you want them to know - or just to know and understand the facts. The facts and actual contents of what you what you want to say.

The second is the way it is interpreted. Trying to phrase something so that the person will understand how you are saying it. Making sure you phrase it in a way that they understand that you mean it as a compliment - not as an insult, or you mean it as an insult - not as a compliment. Meaning a euphamism as a euphasism and not literally. Knowing how to phrase it so that they understand how you mean it so that you don't upset, hurt or make the person angry. Being able to make someone believe that you really mean it.

It's all about grammar, really, interpretation is. Punctuation is the key... Where to place that comma, fullstop, speech marks. But where the emphasis is on the words. It's easy in speech - when you're talking out loud - but in writing, having to use italics, underlining or bold lettering, or just try your best to use punctuation to emphasis bits.

I think it's very important that everyone learns how to express themselves properly, to be able to get people to understand exactly what they're saying exactly the way that they mean it. It's a huge part to life, communication, it's what is going to get someone far. Being able to express and explain properly, finding the right words, and maybe being able to manipulate it to your advantage.




I hope you can always find the perfect words.

x

Bracken. I mean.... Exams.

Bracken always used to know when I had exams. She always used to sit with me the night before and managed somehow to calm me down, make me feel less stressed. She seemed to tell me that it was going to be okay, I was going to do fine. And even if I didn't, even if it went horribly wrong, she's still be very proud of me, she'd still love me, and it didn't matter as long as I'd done my best.

In the morning, she would say hello and make sure I wasn't stressing too much. She'd always make sure I wasn't late and then as I was leaving, she'd watch me go and seemed to call good luck after me. As soon as I got home she always ran to me and beg for attention as to say "well... how'd it go?" and then she'd just look at me like she loved me more than anything in the world and the rest didn't matter anymore. The exam was in the past, I did what I could and now it was over. Then I'd spend the next two hours with her, making a fuss of her to show her I loved her and that I appreciated what she did for me. She did a lot for me.

It was the day after one of the most important exams of my life that she died. Mom said she'd waited for it. Waited for the exam so that my full attention was on the exam and I was focused.

Mom said she tried to wait for me to come home that day, she waited as long as she could, but she just couldn't wait anymore.

It shattered my world. I miss her so much.

Last night, I spent an hour hugging her collar, looking at her photos that are stuck on my wall and crying, wishing she was here. Wishing I still had someone to calm me down when I had exams and to show me they loved me more than anything.
I know I have lots of family and friends that support and love me, and I'm honestly the most grateful girl in the world because I know how lucky I am and I appreciate them so much.
But I can't help but miss her.


Wish me luck, Brackie.
I love you.


x

Everybody's Free... (To Wear Sunscreen).

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proven by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable that my own meandering experience. I dispense this advice now.


Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked… You're not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry. But know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.... The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive. Forget the insults.
If you succeed in doing this; tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I knew didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, and some of the most interesting 40 year olds still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they've gone.

Maybe you'll marry… Maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children… Maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40… Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance. So are everyone else's.

Enjoy your body, use if every way you can… Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance… Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the instructions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you'll ever know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go but the precious few you should hold on to. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time it's 40, it will look 85.

Be careful who's advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispersing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Baz Luhrman.

Snow! And other bits and bobs.

Snow flakes that stay on my nose and eye lashes. Silver white winters that melt into spring. These are a few of my favourite things.
What a lovely song, from an amazing musical. And outside it is just beautiful, so I found it appropriate.

Today, I have kept thinking about writing blogs. I kept on thinking "what can I write about today"? The only thing I've wanted to do is write, which is strange because I've always thought I'm not good at writing and I can't say I've ever really enjoyed it.
But now I love it, and I think about it a lot. Which is weird because I was watching a film, maybe you know it (if you don't then you should) Sister Act 2, and in that the main character says "if you want to be a singer, if you wake up in the morning and all you can think about is singing, you were born to be a singer!" And she based this on a book she lends out that says "if you want to be a writer, if you wake up in the morning and all you can think about is writing, you were born to be a writer."
I thought I'd share that with you because I think it's important that we follow our hearts and do what we want, what we love.

My blog isn't really about anything today. About bits and bobs that I don't really want to write a whole blog about.

I've got exams coming up, 8 of them, of which I'm only prepared for 4. But I don't mind. Although I do have a terrible headache today and I think it might be my body's way of telling me "actually, yes you do mind and I am stressed but you're not admitting it to yourself". Ever had that? When you don't realise you're stressed but other people do? My Dad always has to tell me that I'm stressed before I realise it.

Also, last night I took a leap of faith and sent a message to the boy telling him that this was my last attempt to be his friend because he was making it difficult and I wanted him to know that I really did try, and that I hope he has all the happiness in the future. I'm currently waiting for a reply. I'm not really sure if I'm expecting one back or not. I don't think I am, although I would like to know his reaction to it. We'll see. No doubt I'll be letting you know what happens because I'll have an opinion about it! But maybe that's another thing on my mind.

Maybe a walk in the snow will do some good. A bit of fresh air. Sounds like a plan to me.

"You've got to learn about yourself. You have to learn to be able to work out what is wrong depending on how you act and how you feel if you don't know."


I hope everyone is having fun in the snow.

x

Tim Minchin.

I've mentioned this person before, posted a link to a song called "Not Perfect" which is a beautiful song, I love it, and it really made me think. I had tears in my eyes and everything.

You know in films, once something bad has happened, you have clips of the person who the bad things have happened to - the main character probably - and then they have a song playing over the top of the clips of them going about their life when everything is just heartbreaking, sad and they're just having the worst time?
Well, right now, I feel like that person, that character in the films. Nothing extraordinarily bad has happened to me, in fact, not many bad things have happened and if they have they've been minor things, but I still feel like that person at the moment.
The song I'd have playing over the top, though it might not be completely appropriate, it sort of is and it would be if the main character was having a love crisis, is called "Drowned" by Tim Minchin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ne9eruxSYg


Tim Minchin is actually a comedian / singer / songwriter, but a few of his songs are really touching, maybe kind of sad, fairly slow songs that have a lot of meaning and I think are absolutely beautiful. Although they still have bits of humour in to make you laugh, they can make you sad at the same time because they absorb you and you start believing they're completely true.

His songs are about things he thinks about, love, religion, sex, inflatable dolls... You should listen to him! I'd recommend him to any person in the world, there is a song for everyone. He is so talented.
I know I'm going on about how wonderful he is but I just think he is amazing. His stuff means quite a lot to me at this point in my life and I think everyone should listen to him.


So, Tim Minchin everybody!

x

Blogs.

Generally, my blogs are the same length - if they're my standard blog - give or take a paragraph here and there.
But I flit and fly from one subject to another, from blog to blog and sometimes within blogs even though there is one topic and subject I want to particualrly talk about for each blog.
When I read them back, I often spot mistakes and edit them, because I'm a geek and just could not cope with knowing I'd made a mistake and not edit it.

The thing I like about writing blogs though, is that I can say what I think and feel without worrying about someone will react to it. Sure, people can comment - it's not often they do but that suits me, I can cope with that - and disagree but they can answer back and put up an argument, fall out with me over them. It's a simple, easy way to let feelings and issues out, writing them all down so you remember them but they're not all floating around in my head, getting in the way of more important things.

I can always hear myself when I read my blogs back, I can hear my voice in my head reading them aloud, like when someones reading a letter and you can hear the person who wrote it reading it over the top of the film. I can hear the way I talk, the way I write, hte aptterns, my grammar and the way I phrase things and the sort of things I say, the topics I think and talk about, what I'm interested in pondering over.

I love writing blogs. I always feel better after writing them, content that I've let my ideas and opinions out, and pleased that I didn't have to discuss problems with people I love - no-one really knows my problems because the people reading these blogs - you - probably dont know me.

I realise that that in writing these blogs, I used the word "I" quite a lot. I know this is hypocritical but I really hate the word "I" and I hate using it. In my blogs it's not so bad, although I do try and change which person I speak in to vary it so I don't have to use "I" all of the time. I try very hard not to use it often in real life and I couldn't could the amount of time I think "oh, I just said it again" even though I know I use it a lot less often that some other people.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this blog. Someone recently told me that they liked my blogs, that I should keep writing, that they were inspiring in a way. Although I would never have stopped anyway, I really appreciated the comments and it made me think how wonderful it would be to write a piece - or mutliple pieces - that inspired people, that lots of different people read and it touched them, made them stop for a second a think about it. Maybe that's just me, but I think it would be wonderful.

Anyway, I best be off. Things to do, people to see. Otherwise known as school.

Write to inspire. Aspire to write.

x

2009 -- The summary.

2009.

January modules.

Feeling of friendship delevoped into more.
Waiting for an answer and then not being surprised.

Swindon...
- Getting away from the world.
- The nights of giggling.
- The train journeys.

Turning 17.

The dreaded results.

Making friends with a completely new group of people.

Easter.
- The secrecy.
- The freedom.
- Our first nights at the Wharf.

Whitsun.
- That Monday and the Wharf.
- Meeting *him*.
- Doing something I wouldn't normally.
- 3 weeks of happiness, followed by disappointment and wonder.

A new addition to the family.

June exams.

School after our exams.
- Terrible attendance.
- The lack of work.
- The fun we had.

Summer.

Going out every Monday night.

Our cunning, and our *half* a week planned.
- Loving Newcastle and the accents.
- Being away, learning, becoming determined.
- The train journeys.

A change in someone we love, good or bad? But she's happy.

Being 1 of 5. Our group of friends for the summer 2009.

Falling, struggling and feeling guilty.
At the same time, being completely happy and content.

The even more dreaded exam results.

Every Wednesday night showing our "knowledge".
'In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight'.
That look, the comments and never knowing how he felt.

"Save a life. Give Blood." Fainting and knowing I'd done some good.

First day back, hating every second of it.

The application.
- The stress of doing it.
- The relief of sending it.
- The happiness of recieving replies.

Gigs. Gigs. Gigs.
- Arctic Monkeys.
- Enemy.
- Athlete.

The good news! Not having to have it after all.

Another best friend becomes happy. This time better than ever.

Not fainting, but it didn't work. The pain. but determined to give again.

*The bad news* -- That conversation. Crossing a line?

End of term, knowing I need to do better.

Agreeing it was a fling and thinking about it anyway.

Christmas day.
- Such a lovely surprise.
- Folllowed by such a bad one.
- Being scared and not knowing what to do.
- Loving my family and friends more than they could ever know.

Having 2 months to sort it and being determined - very determined.

A year passed. What's changed? So much, and so little.
I wonder where we'll be this time next year.

New year, new decade, new start and all that?