Good News!

As you might know (if you read "The Future") I'm 18 years old tomorrow. And if I'm honest, I was quite scared about becoming 18 because it means that lots of things are going to change and my life wasn't exactly what I would have called 'on track' anyway.

But on Friday night, after a horrible day of speaking to my facourite teacher about my future who wasn't very helpful, and then hiding in the girls' toilets multiple times so that no-one knew that I was been crying, I recieved an email off UCAS saying that my application had been updated. I was only waiting on one university - York - and I was convinced that I wasn't going to get in. I nervously logged onto UCAS and completely lost my breath from shock and happiness as I saw "Conditional" next to my application to York. York! Kerchiing! Although the grades from my conditional offer are higher than I am predicted, I'm over the moon that I got a conditional offer in the first place and I am going to work as hard as I possibly can to get the grades I need.

So, my weekend started very well. I was now 'on track' and my future as I had imagined it was still in tact. On Saturday, I went shopping with my Mom to find a dress for the joint birthday party I'm hvaing with my two best friends. I found a beautiful dress and shoes for my party, and my Mom also bought me a different dress just for going out in general that I might wear tomorrow when I go for a meal with my family. Although I had two of my friends bitching because of this damn party, like I knew they would, I told them we'd sort it on Monday and then ignored the texts after that. And although my mom lost her purse, we found it with everything still in it so that was fine. So it was quite a successful and enjoyable day. I do love my Mother's company.

So right now, I'm not dreading my birthday, like I was, so that's a start. I'm sure I'll have an enjoyable day really. But at least it's looking better than it was.

I have the best family and friends in the whole wide world. Even though my drunk bothers woke me up last night by ringing me and asking me to pick them up from the pub, and when I refused, they asked me to bring their shoes outside and take their trainers in so that they could go into town. The cheek! But I suppose they've done a lot for me. And their constant flow of terrible jokes keeps the whole world amused. As long as they don't push it too far!
Yes, I do love my family and friends.


Life is good!
I hope yours is too.

Don't forget to say "White Rabbits" tomorrow!

x

The Future.

Right now, I don't know where I am in my life, I don't know what's happening, what I should do and where I'm going.
I've always had a goal, a target, something to look ahead to that I know I'm going to achieve. I always knew that uni I was 21, my life was set. School, sixth form, university. I didn't have to worry about anything except what course and where.

All of a sudden, I can't see further than a few months. All I can see is up until my exams but as soon as I've finished all of my exams, it goes blank. There is a white space where before I had writing and notes everythwhere telling me exactly what I was doing, where and why. I wish I'd have written in in permanent marker, but someone has rubbed it all out.


Everyone is getting exactly what they want and I can honestly say I couldn't be happier for them.
I talk about this all the time, and I do believe it when I say you can get a happiness out of someone else being happy. But I tell it myself so often, write it on here so often that I'm starting to wonder whether I do really believe it or whether I'm trying to keep myself believing it. Of course you can get a sense of happiness out of it but a complete, true happiness? I'll leave myself to wonder and then to persuade myself that yes, a complete and true happiness, whether it's the truth or not.


Everyone has got into their first or second choice university. Everyone is doing exactly what they want to and they will be in September. Why does it have to be complicated for me? For once, why couldn't it be as simple as "that's what she wants, let's grant hera bit of security and happiness"? Why does it always have to be difficult?
The only things that my friends have to worry abut now is getting the grades or ucas points to secure their places.
But I might have to find a completely new path. Once again, I'm thrown into the deep end and I've got to teach myself to swim - quickly.


Today (as I'm sure you know) is the 25th February 2010. In 4 days time, on Monday 1st March, I'll be 18 years old. Eighteen. I become responsible for myself.
Everyone keeps saying "are you excited for your birthday" or "are you looking forward to being 18"?
Honestly? No. No I'm not. I don't want to be. But that is definitely not what people want to hear. I've chosen to stick with "I haven't really thought about it" because that's not as much of a lie and "yes I am".

And somehow 2 of my best friends managed to persuade me to have a joint 18th party with them. I want it to be perfect for them but I have no idea why I agreed to it. It's pretty much all sorted now, apart from personal things like getting a dress and we each have to get our own cake. I've got much more important things to be doing than to be worrying about that. But one of my friends keeps reminding me that it's soon and I've got to get it sorted. Little does she know what else is going on. Little does anyone.



Here's to the future. Whatever it brings.
And here's to swimming in the deep end.

I'll be able to hold up a glass to that legally on Monday.

x

To Write Love On Her Arms...

I've got lots of blog drafts waiting to be fully written and posted and I think I need to catch up with some of them. This one should have been posted around the 14th February - not vecause that's Valentine's Day but because that's the day after the 2 TWLOHA Days... when it all happened.

It was a bizarre couple of days.

On facebook, my friend invited my to an event called "To Write Love On Her Arms Day" and the simple, straight forward and maybe slightly selfish reason that O said I would attend and write 'love' on my arms on the 12th and 13th February 2010 was because I liked the idea of writing 'love' in a pretty was on my arms.
It wasn't until the day, when I actually looked at the photos, read the descriptions and went on the TWLOHA website to see what it was all about did I realise how much I actually did want to show my support and appreciation.
I looked through every single one of the photos, out of interest and respect for all of the people who had been through something or wanted to support to the organisation. There were over 4000 photos.

A few hours after I posted the photo of my arm, a girl wrote a comment on the photo with a website. "www.givesmehope.com". She'll never know how much this website, and therefore she, has given ME hope.
Go on it and have a look, read the stories on it. They're beautiful, so heartwarming and then really do show that there are good people in this world, that some things are worth hoping for.


All of the stories I read about TWLOHA were inspiring and yet they were heartbreaking. It is an organsiation that supports girls who self harm or want to commit suicide. It sounds horrible - and very depressing - but I found it very interesting and although it was quite upsetting, the girls showed courage, hope and inspiration.
But in the end, all of the stories ended with people telling them that they were beautiful and they should be proud of who they are.

I felt like, with love on my arms, I had a little secret that no-one knew about, like a cut. On my skin, a part of me. It made me began to realise and understand some of the things that I just couldn't grasp before about self harm and suicide. I will never full understand, but I'd like to try to.
I hope the girls all get the help they need and never feel the need to self harm ever again. Writing "love" on their arms might help. Having that little secret.

The couple of days I spent learning about these movements like TWLOHA, Operation Beautiful and all sorts of other inspiring and hopeful things made me think I really want to help people. As soon asI'm 18 (because I was told I wasn't allowed to unless I was 18 or over) I'm going to start doing some volunteer working, helping other people, troubled or lonely people who need a friend.


This picture is of my "To Write Love On Her Arms".

There is always hope.


Write love on your arms - maybe where no-one can see it. Feel like part of the movement.


And remember.
SMILE.

You are beautiful. No matter what anybody says.

x

Anonomous.

My friend has recently made a new blog - anonomously. They've got the right idea. They can say what they like, when they like and no-one will know who it's aimed at or who's saying it so that no-one can get involved, find a problem with what my friend is writing and stir things up. No-one can disapprove of what they're writing - and if they do disapprove, there's nothing they can do about it anyway.

Right now, I want an anonomous blog so that I can bitch and moan and not get in any kind of trouble for it. So I guess I'm going to have to keep it vague and hope no-one figures it out. These aren't all aimed at the same person...

Pretend you don't know me when you read this!


First things first, I don't need your judgement! The look on your face after I showed you something that meant a lot to me, the disapproving look that mocked me and made it obvious you thought I was going over the top and being stupid. That look said it all.
Well, you know what? There are a lot of things you don't know, things you would have known if things hadn't have changed, if you hadn't changed. But thing have changed, you've changed, and now you don't know them. So keep your judgemental look to yourself. I showed you because you asked, and I was looking for support I knew I wasn't going to get from anywhere else. I thought, being who you are and what you're meant to be for me, you'd figure out that something wasn't quite right and maybe ask, or maybe just smile and make sure I was okay. But I guess you don't understand either. It's just upset me that you didn't try to understand.


You know when you're really annoyed at something - or someone - but you have to be nice and hold in any sarcastic or confrontational remarks that might upset or offend the person who has annoyed you? Because it was just be too much hassle, too much drama if you upset them - and it would be all your fault, even if it was actually them that provoked you?
So, here is the way I would like to reply, but I managed to hold it in long enough to walk away before I caused a scene.
Yes, I know what I need to do without you telling me, I'm not stupid. I'm doing my best, I can't help it if I'm not perfect, like you are. Give me a break.


And can I just ask, while I'm moaning? Why do bad things always happen to the best of people? I know I've asked this question, but right now I'm full to bursting - and so is she, and all of a sudden, yet another bad thing has happened to her, someone I love so much, and I don't know why! It's not like she'd ever deserve anything bad to happen to her.
She walks in with a happy face, pretending that everything in the world is perfect when it's obvious she's been crying. She just took 10 minutes in the car to compose herself. Why? Let these things happen to me, I'll take them and deal with them - she doesn't need anymore on her plate right now.



I know I'll look back on this blog and think, "wow, that's bitchy, did they really deserve such a harsh reaction?" But at least nobody knows who or what it is about.

An anonomous blog - that's the way forward. There are so many things that I would never have the nerve to say on here, someone would send me for psychiatric help.

The worst part is I'm not even joking, they really would.

Love from Anonomous.

x

Drifting.

There are loads of different reasons that might result in two people drifting. Maybe one of them have done something the other doesn't like, maybe one of them is changing, maybe they have found new friends who they are becoming closer with. Maybe life is just getting in the way.

You know when you're really close with someone, you talk all the time? When you're talking, texting everyday and when you're together it's just so easy and natural, you get along really well.
Then one day, you don't talk. Sure, you might think "one day" wow, big deal, but then the next day you don't talk either. You might talk the third day, but the conversation isn't as long as it might normally be. The texting becomes less frequent, less fluent. And then it stops.

What happened? Why is it that we drifted and stopped talking? Did I do something wrong? As far as I know, I don't think I did, and as far as I know, I don't think they have done anything wrong either. Did I miss something? Did something happened that I overlooked and didn't notice? Or are they just not interested anymore, they don't want to talk or text me anymore? Maybe they've found someone new and fresh to talk to.
Who knows? Maybe they don't know either. Maybe they wonder why we drifted aswell.

Maybe that's how it was meant to be. Whatever our relationship was - our friendship or whatever it was - maybe it's run its course and now it's finished.

I think it's really strange how you can be so close to someone one minute, be with them all the time, talk to them all the time, tell them everything, and a month later - maybe not either a month, maybe a couple of weeks - they might not even be a major part of your life. In a few years time, you might pass them in the street, maybe say hello to each other. Maybe you'll pass each other and recognise them but not be completely sure who they are and just smile to acknowledge the fact that you do recognise them. Before you'd have ran to them, hugged them, been excited to see them and chatted for ages, even though you were texting ten minutes ago.



I'm quite good with names and faces. And I think I'm safe to say that if we were close at some point in our lives, I'll recognise you and know who you are and remember the time when we were close. I hope you remember too, because then I know that I did make some sort of an impression on your life.

Don't forget to remember me.
I'll remember you.

x

Honesty.

I was talking to one of my best friends this evening about blogs and she said "your blogs are soo good" (which made me smile immensely - that is one compliment I never fail to love and be flattered by) "I never fully open up on mine".

Why do we feel the need to keep things from people? Why do we feel we can't be honest with people? Especially when the people are those that we love and trust.
Why is it that everyone has a subject that they suddenly feel embarrassed, scared, nervous to talk about and they feel like they don't want to talk about it? They won't tell the full truth, maybe they'll even lie a little because they think people won't approve of the truth. But what kind of relationship is that?

Disapproval sometimes gives people a nudge in the right direction because they don't want to disappoint anyone again, but what is it's a serious matter? What if they had enough on their plate and they couldn't cope with the disapproval as well, so they just try to keep people happen and say what people want to hear?

Sometimes disapproval isn't the right way to approach people. Is someone thinks they are just going to get negative comments and have their fears, ideas and thoughts disapproved of them of course they are not going to be honest, of course they're going to say what they think people will want to hear.

We don't feel we can be honest with people... Is it simply because we don't trust them? Or because we're too scared that they'll disapprove? Maybe it's because if we say it outloud to someone, if someone else knows about t, it suddenly becomes so much more real, a problem that needs to be dealt with here and now. And someone else is able to put pressure on you and get it sorted. It's not just a little thought in the back of our minds anymore.

But it's okay. Because when you're ready, you'll tell someone. And no-one is going to pressure you. It's up to you. Only you know when you're ready. And only you can helo yourself. Only you know whether you want to or not. It's okay.
You're beautiful, no matter what people say.


So I just want you to know that it's okay. Whatever your secret it, maybe it's something you should share with someone - a friend, a family member, maybe someone who don't know, someone who works to help people with similar problems.
I love you, everything about you. Whatever it is, people are going to love you just the same.


Every secret you have - that's what makes you you.
Don't change because you think people should. Change because you want to.

x

Hope.

"There's hope for the hopeless." - A Fine Frenzy. (That's a great song - you should check it out)!

What is hope?
Hope : A feeling of desire. You want something to be true or to happen. Hope indicates some sort of belief that what you want or desire is possible and can come true - though this is not always the case.

Everyone, whether they like it or not, has some kind of hope in their life. Everyone hopes for something, whether it is for themself or for someone else. Everyone has a dream, a wish, a goal, a hope they want to happen and become reality. Think about it. What do you want?

What is life without hope?
A life without hope is a life without disappointment. A life without hope is a stable life, no surprises, no shocks, no disappointements. To never be blindsided and unable to consider something, never too out of your depth. To never have a single emotion get the better of you. Always knowing exactly where you're going, where you path is leading without steering off track into the unknown.

What is life without hope?
A life without hope is a life without true happiness. Without that sudden sheer overwhelming happiness when a hope of yours turns into a reality, a wonderful, surprising and beautiful reality. To never have a single emotion get the better of you, take over you and make you feel on top of the world. To never have an adventure, to never have a chance to go off on a new path and see what wonders you might find down it.

Someone told me that we should have a life with as little hope as possible because it is hope that gets us into a mess emotionally, and it is hope that is the reason for us getting hurt.
For a while, I believed it. But without hope, I would not have that moment. The moment of sheer happiness when nothing else in the world matters because I'm just so happy. Even if it's just for those few seconds. BUt it's worth it. It's worth it every time.


"Hoping is just one letter away from being very unstable."
"What?"
"Hopping."
"You'd better start practising your hopping then."

February has started looking good. Yesterday, I didn't go to school, I tried and failed to get there because of the traffic and the snow. I ended up speaking to a friend for most of the day, then talking to the boy (the one I said I was getting over - I could, if I wanted...!) and I was very happy about the conversations we had, then I had a laugh with my Dad trying to sort out my student finance. Also, it was my cousin's 18th birthday so we went for a drink with her and all of the family, I saw an old friend too. It was a really good day and night.

My hope for this month : I hope it isn't a bad month like January, I forgot to say "white rabbits" again. I hope it doesn't make too much of a difference. But it's looking good so far.


x