The Future.

Right now, I don't know where I am in my life, I don't know what's happening, what I should do and where I'm going.
I've always had a goal, a target, something to look ahead to that I know I'm going to achieve. I always knew that uni I was 21, my life was set. School, sixth form, university. I didn't have to worry about anything except what course and where.

All of a sudden, I can't see further than a few months. All I can see is up until my exams but as soon as I've finished all of my exams, it goes blank. There is a white space where before I had writing and notes everythwhere telling me exactly what I was doing, where and why. I wish I'd have written in in permanent marker, but someone has rubbed it all out.


Everyone is getting exactly what they want and I can honestly say I couldn't be happier for them.
I talk about this all the time, and I do believe it when I say you can get a happiness out of someone else being happy. But I tell it myself so often, write it on here so often that I'm starting to wonder whether I do really believe it or whether I'm trying to keep myself believing it. Of course you can get a sense of happiness out of it but a complete, true happiness? I'll leave myself to wonder and then to persuade myself that yes, a complete and true happiness, whether it's the truth or not.


Everyone has got into their first or second choice university. Everyone is doing exactly what they want to and they will be in September. Why does it have to be complicated for me? For once, why couldn't it be as simple as "that's what she wants, let's grant hera bit of security and happiness"? Why does it always have to be difficult?
The only things that my friends have to worry abut now is getting the grades or ucas points to secure their places.
But I might have to find a completely new path. Once again, I'm thrown into the deep end and I've got to teach myself to swim - quickly.


Today (as I'm sure you know) is the 25th February 2010. In 4 days time, on Monday 1st March, I'll be 18 years old. Eighteen. I become responsible for myself.
Everyone keeps saying "are you excited for your birthday" or "are you looking forward to being 18"?
Honestly? No. No I'm not. I don't want to be. But that is definitely not what people want to hear. I've chosen to stick with "I haven't really thought about it" because that's not as much of a lie and "yes I am".

And somehow 2 of my best friends managed to persuade me to have a joint 18th party with them. I want it to be perfect for them but I have no idea why I agreed to it. It's pretty much all sorted now, apart from personal things like getting a dress and we each have to get our own cake. I've got much more important things to be doing than to be worrying about that. But one of my friends keeps reminding me that it's soon and I've got to get it sorted. Little does she know what else is going on. Little does anyone.



Here's to the future. Whatever it brings.
And here's to swimming in the deep end.

I'll be able to hold up a glass to that legally on Monday.

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