My Attempt To Get You Off My Mind...

I'm having a bit of a crisis at the moment. Isn't the mind a wonderful thing? It's so interesting, how it works, how powerful it is. Right now, my mind is all over the place. I have issues with concentration, not serious ones - nothing that you would class as a condition - but when one thing is on my mind, I can't really concentrate on anything else. I've only just figured that out, within the past few weeks, which is silly really seeing as it happens so often. I also figured out though, that writing down my thoughts helps me to order them. It might sounds strange, but it's like I've able to have a conversation; it's with myself but writing it down helps to get it all out in the open (even though it's not really in the open because no-one will know about it which is perfect because if people did know they might think I was a mental case) and therefore it helps me to get it off my mind so that I can concentrate on the things I need to.

I have motivation bursts and I've been waiting for one for a couple of weeks, and tonight - right now - I have one, but there is a huge problem... I have something else on my mind and it won't go away. I'm so confused and interested in something else that I can't concentrate and push my motivation towards what I should be doing - I have an assignment that needs to be done over the next two days. I know I'm irresponsible and disorganised for leaving it so late but it is because I've been waiting for a motivational burst. So, now the plan is to get off my chest everything I'm thinking about that I wish I wasn't so that I could concentrate and do my work, get it over and done with so I can go for a drink tomorrow and not have to stress about it and also then maybe tomorrow night and I can go and sort out all my other issues that are stopping me from doing my work for good, rather than just postponing my crazy thoughts by writing them down on here for the time being.


Here goes...

Every time something happens, my questions disappear. I have nothing to ask, I don’t feel like there is anything to know because when something happens it’s like you’ve shown me something, I don't know what. It's our little secret and it's so special and it makes me happy and the questions don't matter any more. What I needed to know doesn't matter, there is nothing left to ask because I'm happy and I think you are too. That's the main thing, everything else is irrelevant. Then a week passes without anything happening and I start thinking of questions again; maybe the same questions as the last time, maybe different ones that have cropped up because of whatever happened the most recent time we were together or something you've recently said, but questions all the same.

How many times have you said you thought we needed to talk, or you thought I should have the opportunity to ask the questions I have and get answers, or that you'd like to talk to me? First things first, what did you want to talk to me about last weekend? You said you wanted to talk to me. Maybe after I’ve found that out I won’t have any other questions, maybe you want to talk to me about everything I want to know. I don't want to go for the next month without talking to you much but wondering every day what you wanted to talk to me about. The month will be long enough as it is without me having countless questions running through my mind every minute of every day.

Ages ago, you said that lads have just as many questions as girls but they won’t ask them. Girls have so many questions all of the time so I'm intrigued that lads have this many questions. What could you possibly be wondering? There aren't many questions I can think of that you might want answering. Not that you would ever get them answered because you said you'd never ask and I definitely have no idea what they might be and I can't answer without knowing the question.

What do you think I want? You said you thought you’d got what I think or want down to a tee and maybe you can help me out because I don’t even know what I want yet. You seem to be good at that because you knew I liked you before I even told you so maybe you’ll get it right this time too. So please, help me out, tell me what I want, because I have no idea. I've got a pretty good idea of what you think I want - my idea is that you're thinking stereotypically what a girl wants - but I'm not sure if that is actually what I want.

I don't know anything about this. I don't know what is it, what I want, what you want, how you feel, if this is it, or where it's going, whether there is anything emotional involved or if it's simply physical. I don't know anything. And the truth is I'm too scared to ask. I'm too scared to ask because I don't want the answers to be things I don't want to hear. That's terrible, isn't it? Backing out and not asking because I'm scared. Even I realise that is pathetic. The longer I wait, the harder it will get, so I will bite the bullet soon. But first I have work to do.

I guess that's it, for the time being. I really need to actually talk to you about this rather than writing on my blog because I'd die if you ever read this, but I think I am actually losing my mind. Not just because of you, you're not that special, although you do seem to make things much more difficult that they should be.



Just you wait and see.
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Losing Faith and Being "That Girl"...

Surely there is only so much one person can take. Actually, I know there is only so much one person can take. And I'm nearly at my limit. I'm going to burst soon. I'm losing faith. I'm ready to give up. Fuck it. What's the point?

I take it back. I know that's no attitude to have, not the right mind set to be in. I'm just at the point where I think it's never going to happen, it's never going to be the way I've always hoped. It's just a dream. Is it even real? Can it be real? At the moment I think the world just has this illusion that it's the final thing, the perfect part that completes life.

"That girl". Everyone swears they will never be that girl, the one that falls for someone they can't have, or the one who is the lover rather than the partner or girlfriend, the one who is stupid enough to put herself into a situation when things are bound to end badly, where she is bound to get hurt. Some people never learn. It's the same over and over again until they lose hope and faith completely, until there is nothing left and life seems pointless. Hopefully, that is the point that someone - a special person, maybe the one - brings hope into your life and things begin to look up again. That's the point when you can be happy for yourself as well as everyone else who is happy, when you can get true joy out of your own life instead of getting joy out of other people's happiness.

It gets boring, doesn't it? All this talk of love - unrequited and otherwise, guys and girls, sex and drama. Oh no, when there is sex involved it's never boring. It can be amazing, difficult, simple, complicated, heartbreaking, fun, wonderful - but never boring. Why is life for girls based on love whereas for lads it's pretty much just sex, films, sport and video games? It's so true. It's actually heartbreaking.


Right now, I can't wait to go home. Maybe a few weeks away from this life will be good for me. But I know it's going to break my heart, not like disappearing like last time. I want my best friends. I want to sit in silence and listen to them talk. I want for them to know exactly how I feel without me saying one word and know exactly the way to treat me. For them to leave me to listen and to smile and ask under their breath if I'm okay, knowing I'll say yeah and just carry on listening even if my heart is breaking inside. I want someone to understand and to comfort me just by being there. I want the people who know and understand me. I want my best friends.


Give me a break. Let it work this time. PLEASE.
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