I'm having a bit of a crisis at the moment. Isn't the mind a wonderful thing? It's so interesting, how it works, how powerful it is. Right now, my mind is all over the place. I have issues with concentration, not serious ones - nothing that you would class as a condition - but when one thing is on my mind, I can't really concentrate on anything else. I've only just figured that out, within the past few weeks, which is silly really seeing as it happens so often. I also figured out though, that writing down my thoughts helps me to order them. It might sounds strange, but it's like I've able to have a conversation; it's with myself but writing it down helps to get it all out in the open (even though it's not really in the open because no-one will know about it which is perfect because if people did know they might think I was a mental case) and therefore it helps me to get it off my mind so that I can concentrate on the things I need to.
I have motivation bursts and I've been waiting for one for a couple of weeks, and tonight - right now - I have one, but there is a huge problem... I have something else on my mind and it won't go away. I'm so confused and interested in something else that I can't concentrate and push my motivation towards what I should be doing - I have an assignment that needs to be done over the next two days. I know I'm irresponsible and disorganised for leaving it so late but it is because I've been waiting for a motivational burst. So, now the plan is to get off my chest everything I'm thinking about that I wish I wasn't so that I could concentrate and do my work, get it over and done with so I can go for a drink tomorrow and not have to stress about it and also then maybe tomorrow night and I can go and sort out all my other issues that are stopping me from doing my work for good, rather than just postponing my crazy thoughts by writing them down on here for the time being.
Here goes...
Every time something happens, my questions disappear. I have nothing to ask, I don’t feel like there is anything to know because when something happens it’s like you’ve shown me something, I don't know what. It's our little secret and it's so special and it makes me happy and the questions don't matter any more. What I needed to know doesn't matter, there is nothing left to ask because I'm happy and I think you are too. That's the main thing, everything else is irrelevant. Then a week passes without anything happening and I start thinking of questions again; maybe the same questions as the last time, maybe different ones that have cropped up because of whatever happened the most recent time we were together or something you've recently said, but questions all the same.
How many times have you said you thought we needed to talk, or you thought I should have the opportunity to ask the questions I have and get answers, or that you'd like to talk to me? First things first, what did you want to talk to me about last weekend? You said you wanted to talk to me. Maybe after I’ve found that out I won’t have any other questions, maybe you want to talk to me about everything I want to know. I don't want to go for the next month without talking to you much but wondering every day what you wanted to talk to me about. The month will be long enough as it is without me having countless questions running through my mind every minute of every day.
Ages ago, you said that lads have just as many questions as girls but they won’t ask them. Girls have so many questions all of the time so I'm intrigued that lads have this many questions. What could you possibly be wondering? There aren't many questions I can think of that you might want answering. Not that you would ever get them answered because you said you'd never ask and I definitely have no idea what they might be and I can't answer without knowing the question.
What do you think I want? You said you thought you’d got what I think or want down to a tee and maybe you can help me out because I don’t even know what I want yet. You seem to be good at that because you knew I liked you before I even told you so maybe you’ll get it right this time too. So please, help me out, tell me what I want, because I have no idea. I've got a pretty good idea of what you think I want - my idea is that you're thinking stereotypically what a girl wants - but I'm not sure if that is actually what I want.
I don't know anything about this. I don't know what is it, what I want, what you want, how you feel, if this is it, or where it's going, whether there is anything emotional involved or if it's simply physical. I don't know anything. And the truth is I'm too scared to ask. I'm too scared to ask because I don't want the answers to be things I don't want to hear. That's terrible, isn't it? Backing out and not asking because I'm scared. Even I realise that is pathetic. The longer I wait, the harder it will get, so I will bite the bullet soon. But first I have work to do.
I guess that's it, for the time being. I really need to actually talk to you about this rather than writing on my blog because I'd die if you ever read this, but I think I am actually losing my mind. Not just because of you, you're not that special, although you do seem to make things much more difficult that they should be.
Just you wait and see.
x
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