It's Christmas and a LOT of jibber jabber.

I can't sleep.
It's 2.20am on Christmas day, and I can't sleep.
Father Christmas definitely isn't going to come to me at this rate.

It's weird. Maybe it's just this night. Maybe it's because I haven't been getting up until midday. My boyfriend has had insomnia for the past month. I hope I don't catch it!

I'm listening to love songs by Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus. Slow, nice, happy songs that I could sleep to. And because I'm in that sort of mood.

Today was the first time in a week since me and boyfriend spoke. When I say spoke, I mean about four text messages each, but that's more than it has been all week. He says it's because texting makes him tired. Well, I guess there's no point questioning it.

Last week when we said bye (we are both at home for Christmas) I was SUCH a girl when we said goodbye. I got really upset. I don't even know why because we always spend weeks apart because of how far apart we live when we're at home. But anyway, I got really upset and acted like a proper girl, it was embarrassing.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's Christmas! And all of that is in the past. Maybe that's what I keep thinking about, that I'm bothered about us not talking or something he's said and that's why I can't sleep. Who knows.



My life is pretty much perfect. Apart from a few minor things that it is up to me to change, I am incredibly happy. So why do I just switch from one mood to another?
Isn't it funny what adding extra things into your body can do.

Yes, that's definitely what's on my mind.

This isn't a very Christmassy subject. I think I'll leave that for a different time.


Merry Christmas!
God bless us, one and all.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

Sorry about the babbling - I'll explain soon!
Good night. I hope you sleep well and Father Christmas comes to you!
x

Sex.

Last night, (at quite a bad time), my boyfriend said, "sex isn't such a big deal anymore."

I immediately assumed he was talking about himself and I because we'd got over the "honeymoon" period of our relationship, which I wasn't best pleased about, but he correctly my assumptions pretty quickly.
He only explained by saying one thing though, because he couldn't remember what the inital though process was to get him to the "sex isn't such a big deal" thing", and the initial thought was what he actually wanted to tell me.

Anyway, he explained by saying "people can just say, 'oh yeah, I spelt with him/her' just like that." He meant just casually, at randomers, at people walking down the street, at the mention of someone's name.

It's true really. I find it a bit bizarre because I don't throw myself around, and I never did, but I guess that's just not me. But I don't think sex is just a nothing thingm where it doesn't matter who or how many people you sleep with. But I guess a lot of people (probably starting of with students and expanding) do think that it doesn't matter at all, sex doesn't really mean anything. this view is probably speedily increasing too.

On the other hand, I know some people, albeit originally for religious reasons, believed in sex before marriage who have or are changing their minds once being in a serious and long relationship. They definitely wouldn't give away their virginity lightly, but knowing that the couple love each other and it could last forever can somethings be enough.
I like that idea, it's nice. Maybe impratical, but nice all the same.

Sex is something for couples. Something that they have together, and it is betwwen them and no-one else. Why would you want to make it so impersonal but having hundreds of names of your list? That would question the intimacy, meaning and (for want of a better word) niceness of the sex within your relationship.

I know that not very many men are going to agree. Not even my boyfriend would. But each to their own I guess.

I haven't got too long, and I'm quite tired so a complete blogged argument of both sides seems too much effort for me right now, so I'll just tell you what I think and leave.

I hope you appreciate sex, and you can enjoy it to it's full potential! After all, it is amazing. :)

x

People Walking In & Out Of Lives.

I think it's amazing how people walk in and out of your life. You can meet someone, one day, for a second, or maybe spend a few weeks with them, and then circumstances change and the chances are you're never going to see them again. You might bump into them in the street at some point, but that could be in a month, or in 10 years, or not at all.

We all do it. Imagine how many lives you've walked into, and back out of again, and who's you've walked into and you've never left (and maybe never plan to).

For the past two months, every Monday and Tuesday I have been doing temporary office work and the people in the office (6 women and 1 guy) are all really lovely. I've had such a laugh with some of them. Admittedly, some of them I won't miss, as I already find them tedious and it has only been about 16 days spent with them. But a few of them have really made an impression on me, I've enjoyed their company and I appreciate the way they've treated and accepted me as one of their own.

They've even asked me to keep in touch, and said that they would do me favours when my graudation comes along if I'd like. This means a lot to me and I may just take them up on this, just so I can say hello again.

It's strange how people walk in and out of your life. Some people you won't even remember. They're just a passing soul, just as you are to them, living their life while you're busy living yours.
It's strange how people walk in and out of your life. Some hang around for a while. We hope that these people hanging around are the special ones. They should be, after all these are the people that you're bothering to stay in contact with.

The special ones are those who make an impression on you. And just because someone makes an impression on you doesn't mean that they'll make an impression on the person next to you, and vice versa. I've become really aware of this the past few years, and I really like the idea of it. Everyone is different, after all, and the peole that we like, associate with and think are special are going to be different too.

Well, I hope never to lose touch with the people who made an impression on me, and I simply cannot wait to meet more people that do just that.

I hope you meet plenty of people that make an impression on you, and I hope you're brave enough to make an effort to keep in touch with them, whatever the barriers.

x

Archiving & Thinking About Fate.

I'm sitting alone in an small archive room, bagging old files to be shredded (which is unbelievably boring, and always gives me paper cuts), listening to music very quietly on my phone.
Archives are strange. All of these files are from students who gave finished now. Who have gone on to begin their lives, to get jobs and start settling down. I wonder how many of them actually feel old and mature enough to do that yet. All these old files have stories behind them and the stories are getting left behind for new ones. It just makes me wonder. About them and about us. In a couple if years, these will be our files and our work. It seems strange how quickly life moves on.

Anyway, I'm listening to music, secretly on my phone. Into The West by Annie Lennox came on. It's the last song in Lord Of The Rings : Return Of The King, so the chances are you've probably heard it. Anyway, its a slow, sad, beautiful song that made me start thinking. Not because of the lyrics particularly, but just because if the slow, hopeful sadness that the sing gives off to me.

I started thinking about life, about how we don't really have any control over it. I mean, I know we make choices everyday that affect our lives, but at the end of the day some things are just not meant to be. Or maybe a better way of looking at it would be that some things just are meant to be.

My first thought, from listening to the sad song, was that I can't believe my cousin and her boyfriend have split up. They broke up yesterday and although they have been arguing a lot, she wasn't really expecting it, and I was expecting it even less. I thought they were great together, but I guess, what do I know? What does anyone know? Noone can predict the future, or what's going to happen.

So this is how I got on to life. I decided that there is nothing you do about certain situations. There was nothing she could do to stop that happening, from stopping the inevitable. Maybe the inevitable can be delayed, but whatever is going to happen, will happen, eventually.

Now that doesn't mean that everything is permanent. Although something is inevitable, such as a break up, it might just be part of the journey those people walk. They might meet again. Hopefully when they do, they're on much better terms.

It's just that some people match, and some don't. Some people's personalities and situations go so well with certain other people, that theu get on so well and nothing will change that. But in other cases, if one of the people's situation changes, and it doesn't match the other person's, that's when the disagreements or drifting starts. Like losing touch with old friends, or breaking up with a partner.


I had a conversation with my boyfriend about fate. It was a long time ago, before we were together, before anything had ever happened between the two of us. He asked me if I believed in fate, whether our lives were already planned out for us and the decisions we made had already been decided for us. That was what fate was. Our decisions actually didn't really make a difference because they had already been chosen for us.
I said that I did believe in fate, to a degree. I thought that some things were meant to be, but we could change fate, if we wanted to, if we made a different decision to the one we might normally have made.
Then he said, if I thought decisions made a different then it couldn't be fate because that would mean that every decision made would have an affect on the future. It could be a minor or major change but a change all the same. They meant there were potentially billions of different outcomes in life, and any single one if them could be the one that actually happens, depending on a series of events and decisions.
I think there are certain things that are inevitable, but I guess nothing is completely concrete, every outcome can be changed if the people involved want it to be.


So, no further in my decision on fate, but at least my time in the archive room hasn't been quite as boring as it could have been. I guess it must be fate that Into The West was one if the first songs to come on, so that u could spend the time thinking, and writing this at the same time.

Do you believe in fate? I may have written a blog about fate and asked that before, but it does interest me, what people think of it.

I hope you make all the right decisions so that you're happy. But I guess whatever decision you make, it's the right one, right?

x

Generally Nice People.

I've had this discussion with so many people, but I still wonder about it because I find it difficult to believe how anyone can be so cynical when they are meeting new people or going into any new relationships (whether it be first meeting someone, being acquaintances, friends, lovers, colleagues).

Last term, at university, I had a debate with some lads about if someone can be a "generally nice person, selfless and have good, selfless intentions with everything they do". I believe that there are people out there that are like this - I know that there are because I've seen it first hand, and some people (for example my Mom and another family member) are the most genuinely nice, helpful, kind, lovely people I have ever met - that anyone could ever meet!

Some people (and this I agree with) are just nasty, selfish people who think only of themselves and do not care of any other consequences of their actions.
I don't dispute that there a lot of people around who seem nice who have something behind their mask, people who have secret intentions - even if they're not bad intentions, even if they're just benefitting in some way - but sometimes the intentions can be bad too. That's what the lads argued. Their argument was survival of the fittest, people live to stay alive so they come first in their life and therefore why would they do things that they don't benefit from? What would be the point in that?

People are manipulative and live life with number one first at heart. People that they love come immediately behind them, and most other people do not matter. I don't think this is true either - I know a lot of people, in my family in particular, that would definitely put their loved ones first. Most parents would put their children first and many partners would put the one they love's needs in front of their own.

If you're living for yourself - if you have nothing or noone to live for, are you really living? I'd hate to feel that way, that I was the most important thing in life - that I had nothing that I felt was as important to me as myself. Not that I think I'm this genuine, lovely, kind, selfless person. But I could be - I definitely have some of those traits in me. I generally wish for health and happiness for everyone - especially for those who deserve it, for which I am sure there are plently of people.

"No good deed is selfless." Is that true?
Do you save a life as a selfless act, or because you would feel bad and guilty if you didn't do it, or at least try? Or do you save a life because it is a life and that life should be saved - no matter who the person is; someone you love, someone you hate, someone you know or don't know, someone who has commited a crime, someone completely selfless and lovely?

I do love to help people. My life ambition (among other things) is to help people. I love helping people. But maybe this isn't a selfless act. Maybe I'm selfish because it makes me feel good when I help people and maybe, subconsciously, that's why I do it. But does that actually matter? Of course you're not going to do it if it makes you feel bad. I suppose it's the ratio as to who it helps more. If the act helps you more than the person then could be it classed as selfish? And if it benefits the person an equal amount or more than you then is is more selfless?
You might go out of your way to help someone, giving them time and effort or something that you could do with yourself. That truly would be selfles - especially if there are no benefits whatsoever for the person doing the act.

The lads I had this discussion kept giving me extreme situations to suit them in which I could not really win, but there are at least two sides to every argument so they have the right to do that to me! They said that if they had to choose between the life of their family member or a stranger, they would choose. They would choose the family member - as I assume everyone would. But they said choosing would make them a bad person. The paradox is that choosing no-one would make them a bad person too as they are sacrificing a life as to not choose between lives. So there are many siutations and examples they could use that I will never win, although these situations are very extreme.

So, I will be positive and hopeful in the idea that there are people out there who are genuinely nice, helpful and selfless. I really do believe there are people out there like that - there must be. I feel sorry for the cynical people who don't believe it, because until they see it for themselves, they are missing out on the beauty of selfless acts and kindess.

I hope that you are able to believe in selflessness and kindness.

x

Men versus Women.

Although I have had a drink, I think I still understand what I'm on about and make sense.
Joshua Ellidge, this one is for you, because he keeps asking me to blog again. I know I should blog more, but I guess I'm no exception when it comes to the majority who stop blogging when they fall in love.

Anyway, I'm writing this whilst in the living room of my boyfriend's flat with loads of sexist boys who think we shouldn't be here because they're playing Fifa and that means that girls can't be around. There are a couple of girls here too, and so far I'm having a pretty good night.

It's crazy how much gender makes a difference, how different females act in comparison to males. I never really noticed quite how much until I came to university and the boys were much more sexist than any other men I'd come across before and they shock me. They think it acceptable to isolate us, or think they can control us or put us in our "place", but they have no idea what goes through girls' minds, and how much of a free spirit most of us are. They don't understand, and never will, how much we think or what we think about.

Why is it that we're not equal? I understand that physically we are different, and men have a bit of an advantage in some aspects. But mentally? They can't honestly believe they have any advantage. I mean, using me for an example, I know some of my grades can be average, (some are good and some are just okay), but I know that if I put the effort in that I should then I'd be a pretty intelligent girl. More intelligent, for example, than many of the boys in this living at the moment. I know that I'm picking the example to my advantage because I could pick a not-so-intelligent girl and a more intelligent guy, but I do believe that women are on the same par, or even better mentally than men.

It definitely depends on the personality of the people in question. How much they value commitment, how much effort they put into things, how moitvated they are. All massive parts to how mentally capable someone is. I guess whether or not you were born as an intelligent person makes a difference. Well that's just talking about intelligence; working and learning.

How about mentally coping with situations? I wonder who would win that battle? I reckon it would be pretty equal gender-wise. I suppose that is also quite closely related to personality aswell.
I guess that doesn't really matter, because the only person that that battle is with is yourself.

But still, I will never believe that women have any less stance in this world than men do, be it physical (yeah yeah, I know I'm contradicting myself but the best of the best at a specific sport and I'm sure women would be able to give men a game of it), or mentally. Especially mentally actually.

I hope one day that all women prove that they're as good as or better than the men in their lives.
I know I will.

x

Never Change For Anyone.

I know it's been a while again. I think it definitely is true, once you've settled in a relationship and you're happy in love, blogging becomes less important. You don't need it in your life, it's a comforting friend who's there for you all the time when you want to complain and wallow in self pity because you want someone in your life who you can turn to, who will love you and listen to you and care. But they wouldn't even have to listen to you wallowing because they make you so happy that you don't need to complain about life anymore, because suddenly you're one of the lucky ones. Lucky in love, happy in love. Just like you always wished for. Just like I always wished for.

He loves me. He told me so. So I should be in the happiest girl in the world. I am, I guess. I know how lucky I am.

Today, a few hours ago, my Mom came into my bedroom when I was writing down on my calender everything I had planned for the next few months and hugged me. She said "you know you're nice don't you?"
(I know "nice" is a pretty lame adjective, but nice to us is important, it means being a good person, being selfless and committed to helping people, being the best person you can to everyone, including yourself.)
Well, I replied with a smile and "what makes you say that?" and she said "nothing, I just hoped you knew that you're a really nice person." I jokingly said "I know" and hugged her back, and she said "don't change, don't ever change for anyone."

Then she read a love quote that was on the month of July on my calender that says something like
"May you have walls for the wind, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you, and all that your heart may desire."
Then she left me to wonder. And then I thought about a blog to write. Not this one, but one that should hopefully be coming soon. I like writing. Hopefully I can improve with practise.

I wondered what had made her say that to me, it seemed obvious that her and my Dad had been talking about me, but what about and why? So I thought, "have I changed since I got into a relationship?" I know I've change since I got to university. I've become more confident, more willing to speak, to get involved, and I'm happier. I smile and talk to people and make an effort. Before, I was a young, (quiet in certain situations), well bought up girl who spoke when she thought she should and said what she though she should, but now I don't mind disagreeing and saying my opinion, even if it does oppose someone else's which is different. But I guess this confidence was bound to come out from somewhere eventually and I think its the more confident self I'm not to change. I also think, though, that I have definitely gained the majority of this confidence from the boy. I know it's because I've been at uni, but that is just where I happened to meet him, I think if I'd have met him here my confidence would have soared and it would have been more obvious that it was the boy. But let's keep that a secret and pretend it was university that did it!

I'm cynical about whether people change or not. I think situations change and people adapt to them, but do they actually ever change? I think you need something to click inside you, for something really significant to happen to make you realise something, and epiphany, before someone actually can change, and they have to decide and commit to changing. That leaves margin for error and that they could always fall back into their old self and old ways, but the only way you can change it if you choose to.

I choose to stay the same. Stay nice, and caring, and in love.

Don't stop, don't change, stay beautiful.
Never change for anyone. Be yourself. That's who everyone wants. Including you.

x

Update Of A Girl Who's No Different.

So it's been ages. Months. I suppose it happens to everyone who was once committed to writing their blog. There comes a stage where they just stop writing, for one reason or another.
I bet 90% of the time though, it's because they're happy, because they've fallen in love. Everyone I know who had a blog, they all stopped because they got boyfriends.

Well guess what? I guess I'm just the same as everyone else, just like he said. I guess I'm no different. Yep, you got it. I've fallen, big time. I hope he has too. Well he asked me out so that's a good start I suppose. We've been together three weeks today. Which is nothing, I know, but before that we'd been, well not seeing each other but it has been a long time I guess. Five months coming, actually.

This is just a quick one to update my life. A boyfriend. Who'd have thought? I feel good about this one. Hopefully I don't mess it up. I seem to be good at doing that.

I love university. If you get the chance to go and live away at uni, I would definitely recommend it. The people you meet, the times you have. They're like no other. Life changes, in the most wonderful way. And you may even fall in love.

Well, I have to run, it's time consuming, having a boyfriend!



Life is what you make it. Make it special.

x

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. May 2011 bring you all the happiness and joy, and may all your dreams and wishes come true.

2011 is going to be my year. I know it.

:) x

2010 -- The Summary.

Hating cheaters.

Pointless resits.

Saving lives- giving blood.

Twickernham.

Organising our 18th.
Finding a dress.

Talking with my favourite teacher who made my life make sense again.

Getting accepted into Uni.

18.
The Party.

Reacquainted with old friends.

Les Miserables.

Wicked.

Girls holiday - getting away from life for a while.

The beginning of something special? Or not.

Exams, and becoming myself again once they'd finished!

Sports day .. <3

Bad grades. Getting into Uni.

Finding somewhere to live.

Going to university.
Saying bye to friends and family.

Freshers week. The craziest week of my life.

University.
- My new course.
- My new friends.
- My new home.
- My new life.
- My new social life.

Becoming close with housemates and their friends. Getting lucky.

Meeting someone like I've never met before.

The walk home - drunk.
Getting to know someone.

Reading week.

Watching films.
Doing some things for the first time. Reoccuring. Amazing.

Hospital appointments galore.

Christmas.
- The drive back.
- Lack of talking, but a few very good conversations.
- Parents being ill.
- Lovely Christmas.
- Crazy new year.



Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's going to be my year.
Bring on 2011. <3 x