Dreams.

I'm aware that my life revolves around dreams, dreams that in my lifetime and their life time and your life time, will hopefully be achieved and will come true.
Except this time I mean the dreams that you have when you're sleeping too, the ones that you really wish you could remember when you wake up but the majority of the time you can't.

You know when you wake up (for example when your alarm goes off) and then you fall back to sleep for 10 minutes or so - a proper sleep not just a doze - and in that 10 minutes you have a dream? When I do that, I normally remember the dream.
I did that this morning. Before I tell you what my dream was about, I'll fill you in a little.

(Following the "Nostalgia" blog...) I found the photos. He never got back to me, we haven't spoken since the first nerve racking, butterflies in my stomach, reuniting conversation we had. If only it had gone as well as I'd hoped. Anyway, we haven't spoken since, but I found the photos so I commented him yesterday saying "found them :P x" so we'll see what happens now.

My dream last night was about him. I found him in bed with my cousin - which was very strange seeing as he doesn't even know her. And his Mom and my Mom were there too. We ended up sitting and talking alone after my cousin and our Moms left. It was bizarre.

This would be my perfect story. Being friends when we were young, not talking for years and then when we met again, we fell in love. Blah blah blah. I know that isn't going to happen - no chance at all. I'm probably never going to see him again anyway. But it would still be my perfect story. I suppose I need to forget about that though seeing as I am completely wasting my time. I suppose that is just a dream and it always will be.


I used to always go by "Dream the impossible. Live the dream." and all that jazz.
I'm losing faith. Surely that is just opening yourself up to get hurt?

We'll see. But in the mean time...
Keep dreaming.
x

Gives Me Hope.

http://www.givesmehope.com/
I think I've mentioned this site before but it makes me so happy sometimes that I thought I'd share it again.

Earlier this week, I saw a little girl riding a bike down her street. She was obviously just learning because there was a man (who I assume was her father) praising her as he sprinted beside her trying hard to keep up to make sure that, if she lost balance, he'd be there to catch her. Loving fathers give me hope.

Yesterday, I was on the bus on the way home and my friend text me. The message made me burst out laughing. The bus looked at me like I'd gone crazy but I didn't care. Laughing and not caring what people think gives me hope.

Today, I read a blog one of my best friends hope that said what some of her friends have taught her. It made my day. I can always keep smiling through thick and thin because I know that I have the best friends I can possibly ask for who are always there for me and always know how to make me smile. Best friends give me hope.

I was upset after recieving some suprisingly bad exam results. I rang my Dad to let him know and he supported me and said everything would be fine. Unconvinced, I cried again. For the next fews hours, on 15 minute intervals I got messages with a joke or an inspiring message that would make me smile. My Dad gives me hope.


I could go on forever with stories that give me hope because I have so many.
And therefore I always have hope. Even when hope should be lost, I still have some. I'm going to pretend that is a good thing whether it is or not.

What gives you hope?
x

"Change".

Over a year ago, which was the beginning of my blogging as we know it, I wrote a blog when I was meant to be writing a script for my English Coursework. Since then, I come on here all the time (and every time I'm meant to be doing work on a computer when I'm in English) and write blogs about whatever I'm thinking about at that moment.

I've only got a few minutes of the lesson left so this blog is going to be quite short and maybe kind of pointless but never mind. This time, even though I'm in an English Language lesson, I'm waiting for feedback for my coursework that I've actually completed, no blogs putting it off, just over and done with.

I would say that it's strange how much has changed over the past year since I've started writing, but honestly, what has actually changed? We're all a year old - granted, we're all 18 now so we're allowed to go out and drink and whatever. I learnt to drive and even though I hate it I still can and it makes a difference. My two best friends are both in serious relationships, I've had a bit of a rollercoaster ride with a few lads. We're applied and got conditional offers from univesities. So actually, nothing has really changed in my life apart from getting older and getting a year closer to things changing when we leave school and go to uni (if we get in) or work or whatever we all want to or end up doing.

I always dream of things changing, something happening to change life for a while and make it a little more interesting. But 2009 was a really good year without things changing too much. The summer of 2009 was amazing, the best yet. Hopefully 2010 will be just as good if not better and I can't wait to find out what happens.

There is plenty of time for things to "change". But when they do... I really, really hope they are for the better.

x

Nostalgia.

Nostalgia : /nɒst'ældʒə/ : An affectionate feeling you have for the past, especially for a particularly happy time.

Do you ever feel nostalgic? If I'm honest, I feel nostalgic all of the time. Looking through photos, hearing a song that reminds me of a time in the past, thinking about memories I have from when we were younger and remembering how fun, easy, simple and enjoyable life was then with no worries in the world. Not that life isn't good now, because it is, there are just a lot of problems and worries to deal with now.

For the party, my friends asked my to get some photos from when I was a baby till now and all the time in between so that we could stick them up in the room for people to look at and see how far we'd come over the years.

I was looking through photos - my Dad bought down 3 or 4 huge boxes packed with packets of photos and photo albums and portaits we'd had done. There were thousands of them, so I was just picking out random ones and hoping for the best. I came across a packet of photos from the mid 90s of one of my brothers' birthdays and I saw a couple of pictures of two boys that we used to be really good friends with and the one closer to my age I haven't seen in at least 5 years, more like 8 or 10 years. They live quite a while away so we didn't get to see them that often but when we did see them we got on really well.

Isn't it strange that you can be so close with someone and then drift apart through no fault of your own? Well you can imagine, if it was more like 10 years, that we have both changed a considerable amount. I looked online and found him. If it hadn't have been for finding and speaking to his brother first, I would never have found him because I didn't recognise him at all. We've been talking over the past couple of days and I'm really happy to be reacquainted with him! It's wonderful.

But as always, I'm going to get my hopes up to have them crash around me, whether it be today, tomorrow, next week or in two months. It's never going to happen. Never. But even if it did... He's moving to Prague in two months. Prague. So making friends and stuff now is going to end with me being down one way of another.

I've really missed them both actually. I often thought about them, without anything in particular triggering it off. Childhood friends. Ones that I'll definitely never forget. The beauty of networking now! You can stay in touch with everyone. But I think it's so nice to see or speak to someone that you haven't spoken to in years. It's refreshing and it gives me hope.

He asked to see the photos so I've found them again, along with a few others. There aren't many. But "will speak tomorrow" surely means that he'll speak to me tomorrow, not just that he'll speak in general because he doesn't need to tell me that as it's fairly normal for 99% of people! And he didn't. It's the day after tomorrow and I highly doubt we'll speak today too. Or tomorrow. Maybe the day after that?

Stupid hope!

x

Writing.

I was reading a blog of somebody I have recently become reacquainted with, who I used to know a lot time ago. The writing was amazing, if I could I would post them on here just to show you how wonderful, deep, funny, interesting and unique they are.

After reading these blogs, I thought "why don't I write blogs about broad and important topics that anyone could spend forever discussing?" He wrote about subjects like religion, sex, crime, fears, monsters & vampires! And other crazy, interesting things. So I am going to try and write some blogs of proper topics instead of rambling on vaguely about my life and things that are happening to me and the people that I care about.

Right now though, I am wasting time writing a blog when I should be writing a script for Radio 4 about 'Language and Power' for my English Language coursework. Any ideas? Actually, it's not ideas that I'm struggling for particularly, it's just that I always have more interesting things to write. Like, for instance, blogs on here about absolutely nothing. Well, that is going to change. I want to write a piece that will make people think "wow" when they read it and then they'll want to read the rest of my stuff because they find it interesting, or because the writing is so good. I'd love to be able to able to write. There are a lot of things I'd love to be good at, but to be an amazing writer - a writer that really stands out from the rest of all of the aspiring writers - that would be a dream come true.

I write blogs on here all the time, any time I have a spare hour or so and I have an idea - or if I don't have an idea and I just want to write! The spare hour that I pretend is spare but it isn't really spare, it's just tedious or unimportant.

I would like someone to read my blogs who doesn't know me that well, or who knows me and won't judge me for my opinions, so that they could tell me what they think of the writing and whether they have any potential at all. Without hearing someone tell me that they don't have potetential then I'm going to believe they do. I know that is going to be a huge mistake later in life and I'm going to have a massive let down when I don't make it. Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up so much for everything, it just ends up with me being let down, disappointed and hurt.

734 words. 734 out of 1000. That's not bad going really, for how long I've spent on it (even though I haven't done the hard bit yet) and I don't think it is of a terrible standard either. Watch, I'll say that now and then get a D for it. Fingers crossed - I need 95% so an A would be good, please!

I'm going to finish my English coursework now, I'm going to work really hard on it so that I can get an A, go to university and get a good degree and then become a writer. Hopefully. That's the plan. When does my life ever go to plan? But it's worth a try.


One day, if you see a book or an article or a poem published and it's by Bethan Jones - hope for my sake that it is me and one dream of mine has come true in my life. Just one.

Dream. Hope. Believe.
And work hard so that you give youself a chance to make it.

x

The Party And "Maybe"...

Have you ever wanted something so much, but you knew that it was wrong and it would be totally immoral to go for what you want? Because you'd be going against the rules you live by and you'd be hurting someone - whether or not you like the person you were hurting, it's still completely unfair.

I introduce this blog like this, knowing that it might seem completely inappropriate the topic the rest of the blog is on, except I know why they are related.

On Friday night we had our birthday party. All day Friday, I spent the day preparing for the party with some people that I care very much for. It was a really good day and we all left the hall prepared for the party, all we needed now was to get dressed and made up and go back to the hall for the DJ and photos.
We had a photogropher and I managed to get some pictures of me with all the people I love.
All in all it was a very good night, everything went to plan and we got plenty of compliments about how great our party had been.

So after dreading, stressing and worrying about it all, it exceded my expectations and it was a fab night, I just can't wait to see the pictures.


Right now, I'm confused but still hopeful - I will always be hopeful - about the reasons that someone is doing certain things and treating me differently.
Why would someone who never put kisses on the ends of texts for anyone put kisses on the end of some texts sent to me? And why would someone act differently with me when their relationsip with my best friends should supposedly be exactly the same as their one with mine? Why would he look at me and sometimes hold my eye contact to make it seem like they are thinking about something to do with me? Are they thinking about me?

I need someone who is like him who knows what hes doing and why that can enlighten me! Or maybe I'd fall for that person too, if they are like him! Maybe that would be a good thing.
Maybe maybe maybe! That's all I seem to say. Nothing is in concrete!
Hope hope hope! I'll never give up hope. I don't want to.


After all of this, I've had the thought that if it was the other way then I'd hate it. We might be very, very different but she still has feelings after all.

"I didn't see this one coming, now I'm in too deep." And then I get asked the dreaded question... "Who?? x." Do I answer? I think I might just see what happens - see whether it comes up again. Hopefully not! But if it does, I understand that I must tell her whether I like it or not. It's my duty as a friend.


There is always hope! Whether you can see the light or not... If you think there is hope then there is hope. If you know it's never going to happen to you don't want to give up hope then don't!
You never know what might happen.
MAYBE.

x

Smoking.

One thing I feel very, very strongly about. I hate everything about it, everything. The smell, the danger, the look, the damage it can do.

Did you know that there are over 4000 other chemicals in cigarettes? 4000 chemicals going into your body that shouldn't be there, getting you more and mroe addicted to them even though you know that it's doing critical damage.
Statistically, each cigarette smoked shortens the users lifespan by 11 minutes.

I have reasons for hating it.

When I was very young, just a baby, my Dad had a heart attack. He used to smoke a lot and I hate that he did. He stopped for my Mom because she hated it too. He had a heart attack and I blame is solely on the fact that he smoked. Apparently, I wasn't allowed to see him for ages, until he came out of hospital because he was too ill. I can't imagine being prevented from seeing my Dad now, so I know that it would have broken my heart back then too.

All our lives, my Mom, brothers and I have lived hating smoke, cigarettes and tried to prevent people from smoking. I must have broken quite a few cigarettes in my time.

My brother smokes now. He's an idiot. I couldn't believe it when I found out. Peer pressure, that's what it is. It's pathetic. It gets my blood boiling just thinking about it. I hate smoking! I don't understand why anyone would! It's not like it gives you a sense of release that you couldn't find somewhere else.

I think my brother has told my parents that he has quit. Well, he hasn't. I've seen him smoking. He smokes at night and when he's been drinking. I don't know about in the day because I don't see him.

On Saturday night, we went out into Birmingham to celebrate birthdays and such things and when we came home, me and my eldest brother went straight to bed and my brother who smokes stayed downstairs. The next day, I went downstairs and my Dad had cooked some sausages for breakfast and he did his sandwich and then left my brothers and mine so they stayed warm. I'd noticed all of the windows and doors were open. He was leaning on the door frame that led from the kitchen into the living room and I was in the kitchen making coffee and things, and he said "have you started smoking?"
I couldn't believe it. I've never been so offended in my life. And it was my father that said it! I was lost for words. After a few seconds I managed to get out "Dad... no... no way! I'd never... No!" And he turned on his heel and walked out. I shouted after him, "why would you even ask me that?" and he replied "I found a cigarette butt and the house smells of smoke so one of the three of you have been."

Well, duh, you know that one of your sons smoke! I actually couldn't - and still can't - believe he asked me that. I'm still offended. I want to say, "you don't really think I'd smoke, do you?" The only thing is, if I asked that and he hesitated and didn't say that he didn't think I would but it was just for his own peace of mind straight away, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably burst into tears and run away from him.

I love my Dad so much, my parents mean the world to me and I don't know what I'd do without them. But the only downfall to this is they are the ones that can hurt me the most. And they don't even realise that a comment like that has stayed in my mind, annoying and upsetting me for 3 days, in the back of my mind making me think "does my Dad really think that little of me?" I guess I'll just have to ask him. That's the only way I will ever be able to let it go. I just hope I get the answer I'm looking for.


QUIT if you smoke, and don' start if you don't.
Think of your family and friends, those who care for you.
Don't be pressured into smoking. Be strong. Because you're a much better person if you don't smoke. You can deal with your stress and worries without having to turn to a disgusting stick that smells really, really bad that can kill you.

Please. That's all I ask.
x

A bit of nothing.

Do have have times when one day you can be on top of the world, really happy and care free and your life is practically perfect but then the next day you feel really sad, pessimistic and down? Maybe there is a reason for your sudden change in mood, but sometimes you just don't know why you feel that way.

I haven't mentioned the 'boy' in ages. Well, I'm not really sure who the 'boy' is. I have come to the conclusion that the boy who was messing me about, who I haven't spoken to in weeks, is an expletive. I know I should have figured that out a long time ago but now I know it and better late than never! He's "had is phone stolen" abd he's "been really busy with work". He stopped using his facebook and I had a reminder come up saying that I hadn't spoken to him in a while so why not get in touch, so I went on his facebook and saw he hadn't used in ages, but some girl had tagged him in a post so I knew he still had a social life. Then I clicked onto the girl's page and saw that he had another facebook account. I added the new one, he accepted, I spoke to him online and gave him a piece of my mind and now I'm back to the beginning, without him.
Oh, and he still smokes. Uhh.

I'm wasting my time. Why do I go for lads that it's never going to work with, lads that I can never have? I give up. From now on, I'm not looking. I give up lads for the time being. If someone crosses my path then fine but I'm not going to try and cross anyone else's path intentially.

I don't think the 'boy'(s) is the for my up and down emotional ride though. But I think I'm going to dedicate a blog to that all by itself to show just how strongly I feel about it.

March has been an amazing month so far. I've turned 18, some of my dreams have come true, I've got lots of new amazing, beautiful presents and I've had my braces off. And I've had some amazing nights out.


I'm not really sure what this blog is about. An update on the love life I suppose. Just some ramblings of a teenage girl. A bit of nothing.

x

Here's To My Family.

On Monday, I turned 18 years old. I had a wonderful day, and there is nothing else in the world that I could ever want or need (obviously not including the end of global warming and poverty, and having world peace...) because my parents, brothers, friends and family are all that I need and they have bought me everything that I could want.

I am spoilt. I don't act spoilt, I truly appreciate everything that I have. I won't list the things that they got me because that would seem like I'm boasting and I hope I don't seem like that. But all of my presents were perfect, I couldn't have imagined nicer or more appropriate presents.

So this blog is dedicated mainly to my parents, and my two big brothers, without whom I would be completely lost and a completely different person.
I'm not joking when I say I am the luckiest girl in the world. I truly am. Because I was bless with the best friends and family ever and I don't know what I would do or where I would be without them.

I might complain, I might sometimes be in a pessimistic mood and I seem ungrateful for what I have, that I want more. But really, this is completely selfish of me because I have everything I could possibly what or need. There are so many unfortunate people and when I hear stories of life and death of others, I know that I have been blessed with the life that I have.

My parents are wonderful. They are both lovely, funny, charming, intelligent, kind, helpful, generous people who make sure they do everything in their power to give my brothers and I the best life we could possibly have. And I certainly do have that life.
My brothers, although sometimes very loud, embarrassing, overprotective and occasionally (but unintentionally) rude to strangers because they are complete jokers, are funny, kind, intelligent, helpful and very supportive. They are lovely and any girl would be lucky have to have either of them. I hope they both find an amazing girl who will keep them on the right track and keep them happy for the rest of their lives!

They, along with my friends and other members of my family, made my birthday the best it could have been. I cannot believe what they got and did for me and I cannot express my thanks to them enough. I love you all!

We live in a great house, in a great area, we have two beautiful, lovely, clever, perfect border collies and everything is perfect.
I love my parents, brothers and the dogs more than anyone could possibly know. I hope they know how much I appreciate them.


I think March and April are going to be two amazing months. March has started out wonderfully.

Here's to family - and I can legally toast to that now!

x