Surely there is only so much one person can take. Actually, I know there is only so much one person can take. And I'm nearly at my limit. I'm going to burst soon. I'm losing faith. I'm ready to give up. Fuck it. What's the point?
I take it back. I know that's no attitude to have, not the right mind set to be in. I'm just at the point where I think it's never going to happen, it's never going to be the way I've always hoped. It's just a dream. Is it even real? Can it be real? At the moment I think the world just has this illusion that it's the final thing, the perfect part that completes life.
"That girl". Everyone swears they will never be that girl, the one that falls for someone they can't have, or the one who is the lover rather than the partner or girlfriend, the one who is stupid enough to put herself into a situation when things are bound to end badly, where she is bound to get hurt. Some people never learn. It's the same over and over again until they lose hope and faith completely, until there is nothing left and life seems pointless. Hopefully, that is the point that someone - a special person, maybe the one - brings hope into your life and things begin to look up again. That's the point when you can be happy for yourself as well as everyone else who is happy, when you can get true joy out of your own life instead of getting joy out of other people's happiness.
It gets boring, doesn't it? All this talk of love - unrequited and otherwise, guys and girls, sex and drama. Oh no, when there is sex involved it's never boring. It can be amazing, difficult, simple, complicated, heartbreaking, fun, wonderful - but never boring. Why is life for girls based on love whereas for lads it's pretty much just sex, films, sport and video games? It's so true. It's actually heartbreaking.
Right now, I can't wait to go home. Maybe a few weeks away from this life will be good for me. But I know it's going to break my heart, not like disappearing like last time. I want my best friends. I want to sit in silence and listen to them talk. I want for them to know exactly how I feel without me saying one word and know exactly the way to treat me. For them to leave me to listen and to smile and ask under their breath if I'm okay, knowing I'll say yeah and just carry on listening even if my heart is breaking inside. I want someone to understand and to comfort me just by being there. I want the people who know and understand me. I want my best friends.
Give me a break. Let it work this time. PLEASE.
x
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