It's weird. I never used to get moody. I used to go quiet if I was upset, but I'd always have a reason for being upset in the first place so it was normal. But now, now I seem to react to the slightest of things; a comment, seeing something I didn't want to, even just a bad or upsetting thought. Anything can set me off.
Then, I spend hours silent and thinking to myself about all the reasons I could be upset. I never find an answer.
There are always things like boys, sex, stress about work, unhappiness about something to do with myself, trouble with other people.
Sometimes, I think, deep down, I know what it is. I'm just too scared to admit it to myself because it would just turn my world upside down. And sometimes I think that me even thinking that that could be causing this sort of feeling is silly, because I'm happy in that area.
I did an experiment for my friend who's doing a study about the relationship because happiness and the way you view yourself, and on one sheet you had to fill in how anxious, worried, scared and unhappy you get (if you get), and the other you had to rate yourself on your looks, personality and social skills. Well, mine followed her hypothesis perfectly, with anxiousness and being worried, and being realistic with my judgement of myself. It's a bit worrying that she's using that theory with signs of depression. Maybe her theory is wrong... Many people seemed to prove it wrong. OR maybe it was a problem with the actual test.
I show people a lot of affection (when I feel it towards them). It's just the way I am, I like showing people how much they mean to me - I want people to know because it's a nice thing to know.
I don't like the feeling you get when you don't receive affection and when you feel underappreciated. Its all too familiar.
It all started about six months ago. I had a conversation with my friend in December about it and she said that when she went on the pill, she started going crazy and having massive mood swings.
Maybe that's the reason. Maybe I should change my pill. I'm scared to in case that's not the reason.
It seems to be all go this week.It seems that I will have to really hope for the best but maybe plan for the worst. Brings on the tests...
My Dad says sometimes, to figure out why you're down, you have to really know yourself well. He told me that he was 50 and he'd only just figured some of the things about himself out that he need to know, to know why he feel the way he did occasionally. I hope I don't have to wait until I'm 50.
x
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